Brave New World
by insertappropropriatenamehere
Summary: DISCONTINUED Naruto, Sakura, Sai, and Sasuke got pulled into the past when Madara’s dimension transfer technique mixed with the Kyuubi. Since they've already changed the past, they decide to create a better future. However, not everyone agrees with them.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: They had never expected to be pulled into the past when the Mangekyou Sharingan mixed volatilely with a bijuu's chakra. Neither were they expecting to change the world in which they existed, but there was nothing else they would do in the circumstances.

Translation: Naruto, Sakura, Sai, and Sasuke got pulled into a warphole to the past when Madara's dimension-transfer Sharingan technique goes boom with the Kyuubi. Since they're there already, they decide to change the past to facilitate a better future. Lucky for them they landed in the right place at the right time.

Author's Note: This takes place right after Chapter 395. Spoilers. I also rend to switch POVs suddenly. First chapter choppy. The rest will be/are much better.

Disclaimer: If I owned this, this would be canon and not fanfiction.

XxXxX

Chapter 1: A New Frontier

XxXxX

Uchiha Sachie narrowly dodged a flurry of shuriken. Behind her, an older, less virile member of the clan fell.

"No!" someone else screamed from the other side of the compound. Sachie activated her Sharingan and prepared to take down her attacker, an odd man in a swirly orange mask and a black cloak with red clouds on it. "You will die for attacking my clan!"

"Don't you mean our clan?" the man breathed in her ear. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of his own Sharingan before everything went blank.

Madara slid the girl's corpse off his blade before turning to his next victim. This was too easy.

Over on the other side of the compound, Itachi paused as Madara landed easily beside him. "What?" he asked tersely.

Before Madara could answer, there was a loud explosion, a bright light, and four bodies in front of them.

"What on earth?" the Uchiha clan member who had spoken trailed off in shock. At least two of the bodies were familiar.

"Get off me, Naruto!" the pink-haired girl shrieked, punching the hapless blond Jinchuuriki into a nearby wall. "Sai!"

"This appears to be Sasuke-kun," Sai said, poking a shirtless lump on the ground. Said shirtless lump reached out, grabbed his foot, and fried him. "Gaah!"

"No wonder Kabuto said no one liked waking Sasuke up," Naruto said, dragging himself out of a Naruto-shaped hole.

"High velocity impact," Itachi noticed.

"Sasuke's unconscious, I think from the chakra drain," Sakura announced, going over and poking the unconscious shinobi. "I'll do some first aid, since he seems to be in bad condition, but there's something wrong with his eyes, like someone else forcibly implanted something in them, and it's causing his eyes to mutate."

"Better than his opponent's condition," Sai joked quietly. "Say, why are the Uchiha alive and why are we in their compound?"

Naruto and Sakura took the chance to look around.

"Hey, you're not dead!" Sakura sighed in annoyance; for a supposedly incredible shinobi, Naruto could be incredibly dense at times.

"Of course we're not dead!" one of the younger, haughty-looking Uchiha exclaimed indignantly. Then he realized the situation he was in and paused. "Oh."

"I don't wanna die!" an eight year old girl wailed. "Help! Mama!"

As if on cue, armed, silent figures wearing the Konoha military police uniform arrived, followed by the Anbu.

"We'll retreat," Madara decided. "There's nothing left for us to gain here."

Naruto noticed him again. "TOBI!!" he screamed.

"Shut up, Naruto! You're loud!" Sakura screamed, punching him down the street.

"Gaaaah!"

"It's a circus over here," Itachi muttered. "At least most of the clan is dead already." And the two vanished, leaving behind a baffling conundrum for the village to solve.

XxXxX

Team Seven/Kakashi sat in a guarded Anbu cell together and with their chakra and chakra control intact, a fact that Sai explained meant they were trusted not to do do anything stupid, such as attempt to escape. At unpredictable intervals, Naruto screamed about not being able to use the restroom or eat ramen or something.

"Sasuke still hasn't woken up yet," Sakura said from her position on the floor where she was healing him. The soft blue glow from her hands provided the only light in the dark, sterile room. "And I don't know what's wrong with his eyes."

"Maybe it has something to do with a Kekkai Genkai," a light baritone voice suggested. The door opened, and a young man wearing a medic uniform flanked by the pair of ubiquitous Anbu entered. "He appears to be in bad shape."

"That's why I'm healing him, dammit," Sakura cursed.

"Well, if he dies, the Uchiha Clan, or what's left of them, will be on my back, so I'd better get started," the medic sighed. "You did a good job, girl. Now let the Anbu interrogate you while I finish up the procedure. "

Sakura nodded. "I just finished with most of the internal bleeding, and I was about to move onto the burns on his torso. Mostly it's just chakra exhaustion and blood loss, though. He should be moved to a hospital to recover."

The medic looked at her with newfound respect before moving on. Sakura took a look around before sitting down. Naruto was asking random questions and poking his Anbu's mask, and Sai was giving a report to a second.

"In any case, your teammate's gotten the Uchiha Clan riled up. They're lobbying for the Hokage to return him to them, which is why you're here and not somewhere nasty. _Clans_." The medic shook his head in disgust.

"Yeah, I won this off Tsunade-baa-chan in a bet!" Naruto said cheerfully. "It was awesome!"

"How did you win it?" the Anbu deadpanned, obviously not believing his story.

"I bet her I could master the Rasengan in a week!" Naruto replied. "I did it, and then we defeated the snake-bastard and Tsunade came back and became the Godaime! Dattebayo!"

"Fuuton: Rasengan is an A-level jutsu the Yondaime created," the Anbu said. "As of now, only the legendary sannin Jiraiya can utilize it."

"He taught me!" Naruto screamed in frustration. "I can summon frogs, too! Watch! Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

_Poof! _

"Gah! Gamakichi!" Naruto yelled.

"Yo! When you got temporally displaced, we did too! So now we're off to laugh at the snakes because your teammate over there got Manda killed!" Gamakichi poofed off.

"Eeeeeh?! How do you know big words like 'temporarily misplaced' or whatever you just said?! Dammit, I feel stupid now!"

"I believe you now," the Anbu said, sheathing the katana no one had seen him take out just as Sai retorted, "That's because you _are_ stupid, dickless wonder."

"Don't call me that!"

"This book tells me that in order to show friendliness, I should give people nicknames," Sai said, showing the book _The Complete Idiot's Guide to Making Friends_. "Nicknames are usually based off a physical characteristic or a past event. You lack penis."

"They usually aren't insulting, though," Naruto whined. "And stop saying private matters like that in public!"

"This is an Anbu holding cell," Sai smiled. "What goes on in here never gets out, so it doesn't matter how many people are in here."

"Unless there's too many," the medic muttered. "I'm done for now."

"We'll let Hokage-sama deal with this mess," the Anbu said. "For now, wait in here."

And the door slammed shut on them, leaving them alone again.

"We're in such a mess," Sakura sighed.

"I, personally, am in denial," Sai replied calmly. "Being in the position we are in should be impossible. That and the fact that we have already changed history merely by stopping the Uchiha Massacre means that we have already changed the course of history. There is no returning now."

"Wait," Naruto spoke up suddenly, getting up to move around. "Ow! I tripped on something!"

"That was Sasuke-kun!" Sakura snapped. "Sit down before you undo all the hard work the medic and I just did!"

"That was an Anbu medic, by the way," Sai said. "He was there to interrogate you subtly."

"Damn. They really don't trust us, do they?" Naruto moped.

"_I _wouldn't, in this situation."

"Sai, you're a jerk, you know that?"

"Well, what do we do now?"

XxXxX

"So basically, we're from nine years into the future," Sakura explained nervously to the Hokage.

"Ehehehe," Naruto laughed nervously.

"Wow, you really are a dickless wonder," Sai deadpanned.

"Shut up!"

"We demand custody of this Uchiha," Fugaku, Mikoto, and the half-dozen other Uchiha in the hospital room announced.

"He's our teammate!"

"We've been his nakama for two years!" Naruto cried. "Excluding the snake bastard incident, of course."

"He's our family!" Mikoto said, reaching over to touch Sasuke's face. The heart machine beeped twice and then went flat.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura ran over to his bedside.

"It's okay," Mikoto smiled. "He just woke up and pulled it off." Sasuke sat up and stared at the faces of the family that he had not seen for over half his life.

"Wha-"

Sakura glared at him. "It was on for a reason."

"And unless the Sannin Tsunade taught you-" Fugaku began.

"She did," Sakura replied. "That's why I use the same jutsu as she does."

"Where's the brat who claims I taught him?" a loud, perverted voice called through the hallways.

"Ero-sennin!" Naruto cried. "You're here!"

"I'm a super pervert!" Jiraiya screamed back. "Brat!"

"We're fifteen," Sai said calmly. He was searching through his backpack for a book. "The dickless wonder is Naruto, the old hag is Sakura, the convalescent is Sasuke, and you may call me Sai."

"You were in the Root division of Anbu, weren't you," Jiraiya deadpanned as Naruto and Sakura began screaming at him for his inappropriate use of nicknames.

"How'd you guess?"

"You have no social skills whatsoever," the Sannin retorted. "Right. So why am I here when I could be doing research?"

"Because this deals with the future of not only these four, but also the Uchiha Clan and this entire village," Danzou said, appearing in the doorway flanked by a pair of hooded Anbu, one with a wolf mask and one with a cat mask. "Before we begin, I would like for the four of you to state your full name, age, and ninja rank, as well as your specialties, if you have any. We have been searching the village for whom we believe to be your younger counterparts, but they appear to have vanished."

"Because we took their places," Sakura began.

"We need to visit everyone else who's in this facility," Fugaku said, excusing himself and the rest of the Uchiha, who filed out. Danzou watched them leave, eyes narrowing.

"Don't have a name, but you can call me Sai," Sai began. "I'm somewhere in my mid tieens and a former member of the Root division of Anbu under your jurisdiction and a new member of this four-man team that needs a new name."

"Team Naruto!" Naruto cheered. "I'm next. Well, I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I'm only a genin, but I have cool skills! Ero-sennin said so! Kakashi-sensei also says that I'm the number one unpredictable ninja!"

"I will say no such thing," the wolf-masked Anbu said flatly. "Nor will I ever teach a bratty genin team."

"No wonder he so wanted to fail us during our genin exam, Sakura," Naruto stage-whispered to the girl loud enough for everyone to hear. Sarutobi sweatdropped; no matter his age, it seemed that his successor and friend's son had no tact. _'Poor Minato.' _"Oh my god! Kakashi-sensei, is that you?!"

"You're an idiot," Sai said blandly, reading a random book on friendship he had taken from his backpack. "Of course it's Hatake-sempai."

"That was because we lacked teamwork, Naruto," Sakura scolded, although she privately agreed with Sai. "And it was thanks to Sasuke-kun that we even passed."

"Hey, it's not my fault I was the one got tied up," Naruto whined. "I would have done the same if it were Sasuke-teme!"

"No, you wouldn't," Sasuke spoke. "You would have laughed your head off and acted like the idiot you are."

"Hey!" Naruto yelled. "Teme!"

"This is a hospital," Sakura snapped, punching him in frustration. "Keep your voice down!"

Sarutobi watched the dysfunctional team a little while longer, perceiving their group dynamics. The team had been separated for a long time before recently reuniting; that Sai had been a late addition, and was still not entirely integrated. The Uchiha on the bed- how that clan had known he was their kin Sarutobi did not want to know- had done something drastic that hurt the team a very long time ago, causing the schism.

"Please introduce yourself, Sakura-san," Sarutobi interrupted gently.

Sakura blushed and stammered something unintelligible out before starting. "Umm, I'm Haruno Sakura, age fifteen, chuunin."

"The Anbu medic reported that you have trained consistently under someone competent and that you show incredible talent," Sarutobi said. "What about that?"

'_Damn, so he _was_ from the Anbu, then,'_ Sakura thought. "How does he know so much?" she asked aloud.

"He analyzed your technique in the parts you'd already healed," Sarutobi smiled. "He claims you already have talent that surpasses his."

"Perhaps we should recruit her into Anbu, then," Danzo said. "I'm sure she could be an asset. Perhaps she has already learned offensive techniques, depending on who she studied under. Who did you study under?"

"Ah. . . ummm. . . well. . . er," Sakura said intelligently.

"Tsunade-baa-chan taught her!" Naruto burst out impatiently.

"Don't refer to Tsunade-shishou like that!" Sakura snapped back. "She the-"

"It's nice to know my student will decide to follow my footsteps eventually," Sarutobi smiled, pulling out a pipe and taking a drag, not at all showing his intense surprise that Tsunade had actually unbent enough to teach another. "I hope I died protecting the village."

Sakura blushed. "You did."

"Ah, that's good. What happens to Danzou?"

"Who?"

"Danzou-sama is the bandaged man with the Anbu," Sai said.

"He's the war hawk who sent Sai after me," Sasuke explained. "Excuse me, but there's someone I need to kill."

"Itachi-"

"Not him. Orochimaru." Sasuke tossed the blankets off and stood up. "I need to get the snake-summoning contract."

"But Gamakichi told me the summons were also temporally displaced, since they're contracted to us!" Naruto complained. "He said that the snake boss guy's still dead!"

"You went under Orochimaru's tutelage knowing he had left the village?" Danzou asked sharply. He was ignored by the four as they began arguing over the feasibility of explaining everything. "Ookami."

"Hai." Kakashi stepped forward, feeling older than his eighteen years. "Shut up and listen to your elders, brats."

Amazingly, they did shut up at the sound of his voice. Hmm. Maybe taking a genin team wasn't so bad after all. He could take a break from doing all the work, for once.

"Sorry, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura said apologetically. Kakashi decided not to remind her that, at this point in time, he had not yet become her jounin-sensei.

"Just introduce yourself, Uchiha," he said, feeling uncomfortable under the intense gazes.

"You already know who I am," Sasuke replied, pulling off his bandages. "There's no need for me to introduce myself."

"No, there isn't," Sakura replied. "We're like the Sannin, only younger."

"Does that mean he betrayed the village as well?" Kakashi replied. "After all, that's what Orochimaru did."

"Well," Sakura began.

"Shut up," Sasuke replied suddenly. "If they truly want to know, let them. I am Uchiha Sasuke, fifteen, and a former student of Orochimaru. I don't really care one way or another."

"Rank?" Kakashi prompted, preparing to fight. He didn't like the way this was going.

Sasuke paused, mirroring Danzou's cold stare. "Nukenin."

XxXxX

I'm sorry if this chapter seems rushed or abrupt or something. I'm writing this while maxing out my sleep debt. I'm so sleep-deprived it's not funny.

I hope you liked this chapter, even though it's so short. Almost exactly eight pages. Please R&R.

The rest of the story is much better written. I just had to get all the background information across.

XxXxX

Next chapter: Social Justice


	2. Chapter 2

AN: This story slows down a lot and gets more into detail from here on out. By the way, 'nukenin' just means 'missing ninja'. Kinda like 'jounin' means 'elite ninja'.

Disclaimer: Yes. I am Kishimoto Masashi. That is why this is fanfiction and not canon. Note the sarcasm.

XxXxX

Chapter 2: Social Justice

XxXxX

A week later found the redubbed Team Seven waiting in a small, three room apartment complex provided by the Hokage, all incredibly bored. All four of them wore the exact same sets of clothing they had arrived in, with the exception of Sasuke, who also sported a standard shinobi uniform shirt.

"I wanna train," Naruto whined in frustration, running around the bedroom, the living room and kitchenette and nearly knocking over a potted plant. Luckily, the bathroom (which technically didn't count as a room since it was so small and specialized) door was closed, or else he would have been in there as well.

"Stop running around before you break something," Sakura scolded, analyzing a scroll on chakra blades and their usage as medical ninjutsu before deciding it had nothing to do with the matter at hand; finding the effects of time travel on their bodies. Sai sat across from her, his own books on various subjects- including one on the use of senbon and pressure points that reminded her of Haku- as he reorganized his ink and brushes.

Naruto ran past, bumping into the table and upsetting their carefully organized piles of books and scrolls. Sai managed to grab his ink before it spilled, but everything else toppled over in a mess of paper, wood, and glue.

"Naruto! Stop it, dammit!" Sakura bellowed. "Just because we haven't been outside this crappy apartment in a week doesn't mean we're jumping off the walls as well! Go blow off chakra by perfecting the Rasengan or something!"

"But Iruka-sensei told us that working chakra inside is dangerous!" Naruto whined, but he did calm down and stop. He flopped over on the sofa facing them. "Dammit, I hate reading, so I can't even do that!"

Sakura looked up from her scroll. "I'm looking up the effect of our time travel on our bodies," she said. "Since we don't seem to be growing, and I _know_ for a fact that all four of us are still in puberty. It's like we're frozen in time or something."

"So does that mean our skill level is the same as well?" Sasuke asked.

"Sasuke-kun, why are you standing on the ceiling?" Sakura asked, looking up. Sasuke dropped back down effortlessly.

"I was bored and wanted to train," Sasuke replied flatly.

"Teme! At least you could have told me!" Naruto complained. "Aren't we supposed to be your friends?"

Sasuke looked at him. "You were already too hyper for me to ask," he retaliated. Naruto glared at him and sulked. "But he's right," Sasuke continued, this time addressing all of them. "Why are we just cooped up in here? There's no communication with the outside world except for whatever groceries some random genin team brings, and they ignore us. We don't even have a television."

"Or a phone," Sai added.

Sasuke continued. "In any case, it's like they're waiting for something. Maybe they're waiting for us to do something, since they've been posting Anbu on surveillance all around this place ever since we got here."

Sakura glanced out the large window set into the opposite wall of the living room, but saw only foliage. She glanced across to their combined bedroom, but saw no suspicious shapes in the dancing shadows thrown by the light coming into that room from its own window.

But then, if they were Anbu, they wouldn't be caught.

"How did you find this out?" She whispered to him as Naruto stared petulantly out the window before squinting, shaking his head, and closing the blinds.

"Judicious use of the Sharingan," Sasuke admitted. "It can see chakra."

There was a soft thud as Naruto closed the bedroom door. "There. No one can see us now unless they have the Byakugan."

Sakura looked at him.

"They were masking their presences, so their images were blurry. I couldn't tell if any of them were channeling chakra to their eyes."

"There's more than one, then," Sai confirmed. "I suspect at least one is either reporting to or from Sasuke's clan."

"Most of them joined the police force," Sasuke said, taking a seat on the small couch across the room. He set a blank sheet of paper on the low coffee table and began rapidly inking in a blueprint of their apartment and the trees outside. "There's one hidden here, here, here, and here," Sasuke said, pointing to places that could both hide an intruder and see into the windows or door. The fourth was located some distance away, probably as a relay in case of trouble.

"Don't they trust us?" Sakura asked, slightly hurt at the implications.

"For all they know, we could have kidnapped our younger selves and put ourselves in place as spies," Sai said. "It's always a possibility. They have a blind spot on this side."

Sasuke examined it cursorily. "There might be one there. The Sharingan can't see through walls, and there's no windows over there. Besides, we're in a ninja residential district. The rest of the residents are probably on alert over there, anyways."

Sakura sighed and slumped into her seat, picking up a new scroll. "We're all getting out of shape, and this place is far too small for us to do anything about it."

"This place's only supposed to be for one or two people," Naruto complained. "I don't wanna sleep on the floor!"

"I'll try leaving and contacting Jiraiya or the Hokage," Sasuke offered, picking up a book on creating murals on wall plaster. "That way, if I'm caught, they'll automatically assume I've decided to leave this village again."

"No," Sakura shook her head. "We only just got you back, and Naruto here is walking Itachi bait. I don't want us to get caught again." She walked across the room, leaned over Sasuke, and pulled open the curtains, enjoying the remnants of sunlight. Then she threw a kunai at the nearest Anbu guard and slammed the window shut.

"At least something will happen now," Sai observed in his usual bland manner.

XxXxX

"I'm sorry," Sarutobi said. "Had I known that cooping you up in a room without the ability to discharge your chakra for a week would have resulted in a minor overload and then hyperness, I would not have done that."

Naruto, who had calmed down, shrugged. "It's fine now," he replied. "Honestly. Besides, all the other jounin and everyone else has to deal with it too."

"In any case," Sakura quickly interrupted, "There's something interesting I found. Our bodies appear to be in limbo, since we're technically supposed to be younger but we have the experience of our age, since it appears we have merely replaced our six-year-old selves, not sent them to the future in our stead."

"What?" Naruto yelped. "I'm going to be fifteen forever? Or at least until we really turn fifteen again?!"

"Something like that," Sakura admitted. A quick glance told her that Sasuke and Sai appeared perfectly calm.

"Does this apply to our chakra capacity?" Sasuke asked shrewdly.

"Since it's a mix of spiritual/mental and physical energy, I'm afraid so," Sakura said sadly. The four of them needed to get stronger so badly, but there was nothing they could do- for the time being. "We could increase our chakra control, though."

"Except for you, who already have excellent control," Sasuke said. "What will you be doing? Refining your techniques?"

"That sounds like a good idea, actually." Sakura bit her lip, thinking hard. "I was planning on making Tsunade-shishou's technique work long-range somehow, since most of the medical ninjutsu are all made for hand-to-hand or extremely close quarters."

"I'm going to perfect the Rasengan!" Naruto cheered as enthusiastically as ever. "Especially since I can't use the Rasen-Shuriken because it's so dangerous."

"It's one of those double-edged techniques, isn't it?" Sarutobi deduced easily. "Powerful, but it takes an incredible toll on your body and therefore should not be used except as a last resort?"

"Something like that, yeah," Naruto said.

"The dickless wonder has a secret hidden up his pants," Sai joked.

"It's supposed be 'up his sleeves,'" Sakura hissed at him.

"Sorry. My bad." Sai did not look anything of the sort, his enigmatic smiling mask pasted onto his features.

"Anything on what my family's been doing?" Sasuke asked calmly.

"They're taking the news of your… future-past very calmly, considering," the Sandaime said, blowing a smoke ring out the window. "There are between thirty-five and fifty members left. Most of them are fine, but of the remaining, many are children, since they would have been hidden best. The police are currently short-handed, and that is where you four all come in."

"What's important is that they are no longer the most influential clan in Konoha," Sasuke replied flatly. Over the past week, the four had discussed his battle with Itachi and its subsequent revelations.

"It sounds as if you no longer approve of your own family," Fugaku said. Reflexively, all four jerked around, startled; none of them had sensed his arrival.

"We may need to have a long talk about the course of matters within our clan," Sasuke replied coolly. "Such as policy concerning the quirks of our Kekkai Genkai."

"Not here, though," Fugaku tensed almost unnoticeably. He had obviously been expecting a very different answer from the one he had just been given.

"I need to know about transference of the Mangekyou, especially when done willingly," Sasuke spoke.

"How do you know about that?" Fugaku hissed, his hand twitching towards his utility pouch.

"In the mean time, please add Team Seven to the roster of active ninja," Sai spoke to the Hokage as if there were not a family spat threatening to turn violent a few feet away.

"I will, but as an upper-level genin team capable of taking B-class missions," Sandaime replied. "Any more and people will become suspicious as to why you have not been promoted already."

"-BECAUSE IT WAS UCHIHA MADARA!" Sasuke screamed in fury, startling the non-Uchiha. Fugaku went dead white.

"The clan will conduct an examination on the state of your Sharingan and then act as it sees fit," Fugaku spoke coldly, crisply, as if addressing a stranger. In a way, Sasuke was more a stranger to him than any person he did not know, because this new Sasuke was shattering all his preconceptions and expectations of his son.

"I don't care," was all Sasuke said. Fugaku snarled and stormed out, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Did he just threaten to kick you out of the clan or steal your Sharingan?" Naruto asked confusedly.

"Both, I think."

"In that case, I'm sending you on a D-class mission to the other side of town," Sarutobi said. "Go buy these groceries and send them to Konohamaru and Asuma while the council debates over this quandary."

"Hokage-sama," Sakura began calmly as she pocketed the abnormally long list. "Please, we would like to have a say in our own futures as well."

"I will have them consider it," Sarutobi said quietly as he watched them move easily across town, heading west. "I will do my best in that regard."

XxXxX

Shopping in Konoha was a fairly interesting- and slightly disturbing- incident. Buildings they had become familiarized to after the destruction of much of Konoha's infrastructure by Orochimaru's giant summons were missing, and other ones took their place. Still, many of the streets and names were familiar, and there was enough similarity between the Konoha of now and the Konoha of later for the quartet to notice.

"Here's the store," Sakura called, entering the well-lit, sanitized building.

"Eggs, leeks, tomatoes, garlic powder, three pounds of sugar, a daikon, peas, and the carrots," Sasuke called, reading the list over Sakura's shoulder.

"I'll get the apples, oranges, bananas, milk, nori, fish, frozen eel, dried beef, chocolate, instant dango powder, and parsley," Naruto offered, wandering off to do just that.

"It sounds like Anko-san's going to eat dinner at their house," Sai remarked. "She eats a lot. I'll get the wasabi, spicy curry powder, ox tail, juice, beer, flour, tuna, raw salmon, soy sauce, reduced fat aged asiago cheese, and cooking wine."

"And that leaves me with the chicken, potatoes, squash, watermelon, flour, rice, and… a four pound metal brick? Why am I stuck with all the heavy stuff?" Sakura looked up, but her teammates had already fled to get their own items and appear similarly burdened. Grumbling, she went to go shopping. Seriously. It was a pastime for non-kunoichi only.

That metal brick was coming last, though.

XxXxX

"So that is Konoha's decision," Sarutobi said, standing up and officially ending the meeting. The clan heads and village elders got up and left, but Fugaku and Danzou remained.

"I cannot change anything, and neither can you, so don't bother," he told them flatly, hoping to stall them before they started. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to send an Anbu to inform them of events."

"Please, realize that the Uchiha Clan needs its members in this time of crisis," Fugaku began, obviously not deterred. Sarutobi sighed and reseated himself, motioning for one of the Anbu hidden in the shadows to go fetch the temporally displaced four.

XxXxX

Sarutobi smiled sadly as the four entered the room. He had done his best, truly, but this was the result.

"The council representing Konohagakure no Sato has met in the past few hours to decide your futures as shinobi," he began formally, straightening out his red and white robes. "It finally came to a compromise just a few minutes ago in which we have decided."

"Cut the formal crap," Naruto complained. "It takes forever to say, and we don't have all day." Danzou looked thunderous but made no move to intercept the jinchuuriki, physically or verbally.

"We've decided to put you into Anbu until your peers graduate the Academy, in which you will enter as a four-man genin team. There will be no jounin-sensei, and you will automatically pass."

"Okay," Naruto said. "Wait. Anbu?"

"Yes, Naruto," Sarutobi smiled. "We still have to test your abilities, but by your own reports you appear to have the ability to enter the Anbu. Besides, it'll help you become Hokage."

Like usual, Naruto fell for that particular reason hook, line, and sinker. "Okay! Hey, what about Iruka-sensei and everyone else we're supposed to be making friends with?"

"I was just getting to that," Sarutobi scolded without any real venom. It was just Naruto's personality, like it had just been Minato's personality. "You will also enter the Academy, of course. There is no way to stop the spread of events, and soon Konoha will be abuzz with the news of you four, so that is your way of dealing with events."

"Tell us which teams passed the genin exam so we can put them together this time," Danzou added.

"Yuuhi Kurenai's Team Eight: Inuzuka Kiba, Aburame Shino, and Hyuuga Hinata," Sakura began, hoping this wouldn't twist the future up too badly. They still needed for certain things to happen.

"Sarutobi Asuma's Team Ten: Nara Shikamaru, Yamanaka Ino, and Akimichi Chouji," Sasuke finished. "Please describe my relationship- or current lack of one- with the Uchiha Clan."

'_He's already calling them 'the Uchiha Clan' instead of 'my clan','_ Sarutobi thought. _'He obviously isn't expecting anything good.' _

"You're family," Fugaku said. "We will help you develop your Sharingan and use it to defeat your traitor of a brother. In return, we expect obedience to the clan. You will represent us in Anbu."

"As Itachi did," Sai observed. "Are you trying to get him to finish the job?"

"Don't we get a choice in this?" Sakura asked, annoyed. She hadn't found the village quite so stifling when she was younger. Then again, she hadn't been privy to international secrets, either.

"You could chose to become nukenin and force us to hunt you down and kill you, but that doesn't sound very feasible," Danzou offered. His wrinkled, stern face retained the warmth and kindness of a stone. A stone that had been in a cave for the past thousand years or so.

"But joining the _Anbu_?" Sakura asked. She took a seat and sat down hard, her mind having processed what little she knew, which was mostly about the high injury and mortality rate. Not very reassuring for a new job.

"Kakashi joined when he was fourteen, and he was to be your sensei, was he not? Besides, Anbu is directly under my control, so if I send you on appropriate missions, then no one can really blame me."

"But will you?" Naruto asked shrewdly.

"Since the village is in peacetime, there should be no reason for me not to," Sarutobi replied. "Actually, I want you four to hunt down Tsunade and bring her back, and to bring back Orochimaru's head."

"On a platter?" Sai joked.

"I will take Orochimaru," Sasuke said. "I know him and his techniques best."

"I've been on a Tsunade-hunt before," Naruto volunteered. "The more people on one, the better."

"Isn't that a bit of a lopsided division of your team?" Fugaku sputtered.

"Sasuke works best by himself," Naruto explained cheerfully. "Besides, that's what he did the last time, too."

"I'll take your word for it," Sarutobi murmured. "After this mission, we'll test your ability. If you want, you may go supply yourselves, but there is no need to don a mask yet, since your commissions are not complete. Think of this as a test trial. Remember, however, that we're putting a lot of trust in you by sending you outside Konoha so soon. Please do not abuse that trust."

"We won't," Sakura promised. "Except maybe Sasuke."

"In which case I will assign him another partner to keep watch on him," Sarutobi said. "The rest of you are dismissed."

Naruto, Sakura, and Sai hurried off to grab their packs, which, ironically, had all been prepared for a long jouney, taking care to put distance between themselves and the two council members.

Fugaku and Danzou exchanged cold stares, then stalked off in opposite directions to take care of business.

XxXxX

"Ookami will be your new partner for this mission," the bird-masked Anbu said, shoving a pile of bone white armor and an assassination katana at him.

Sasuke tested the flexibility, strength, and sharpness of the blade carefully. He already knew the balance would be perfect.

"It's already been tested carefully by the suppliers," a dull voice informed him.

He looked up and met the eye of one masked Anbu, Hatake Kakashi.

"Damn."

XxXxX

I realized the chapter of this title doesn't quite fit… unless you tilt your head and squint. Also, this chapter is also hurried because I realized I didn't manage to introduce half the stuff I wanted to last chapter.

Next chapters (arc?) are more sedate since I can explain easier. This should be about the time of the Kirigakure rebellions, so I'm going to incorporate that somehow.

XxXxX

Japanese-English Dictionary (No techniques. Those're all canon.)

Senbon- acupuncture needles

Kekkai Genkai- Bloodline Limit, Advanced Bloodline, Blood Limit, etc.

Konohagakure no Sato- Hidden Leaf Village (lit.)

Kirigakure- Hidden Mist

Tell me if I've missed any.

XxXxX

Next Chapter: The missions start, but with things so messed up already, nothing goes to plan. Thus, the newly-promoted 'Team Seven' finds itelf in a rather unique quandary. Who will prove the more troublesome- Akatsuki, Orochimaru, or Tsunade?


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Sorry. I typed the last chapter at midnight last night after stressing out over AP's and maxing out my sleep debt… Fell asleep halfway through it and woke up and finished it at three.

Therefore, this chapter is better by default.

Disclaimer: I do not own. You sue and I countersue.

XxXxX

Chapter 3: The Plot Thickens!

XxXxX

Naruto hummed softly as they walked out of Konoha's main gates.

"I bet they have Anbu trailing us," he whispered quietly to the other two. "Wanna see how fast we can lose them?"

"Naruto!" Sakura scolded, equally quietly, 'accidentally' stepping on his foot. "You'll make the Council panic! They could kick us out!"

Naruto winced as he rubbed his foot. "What do you eat?" he complained louder.

"Are you implying that I'm fat?!" Sakura roared, catching on to his ruse. It was best to make their stalkers believe they had been fighting over something trivial.

"Yes," Sai interjected in his usual not-so-clueless way.

"You too?!" Sakura wailed theatrically. "Hey, where should we look for Tsunade-shishou?"

"Don't call her shishou," Sai warned. "She hasn't taught you yet, remember?"

"Right." Sakura cleared her throat. "She gambles a lot, so we should check out the dens and red light districts of major cities. It was good that the Council gave us money, then, since everything there's so expensive. Even the information."

Naruto suddenly jumped and pointed into the distance. "I remember!" he shouted. "Tanzaku-Gai!"

"What?" Sakura asked, bemused.

"It's a tourist city," Sai explained. "About two hours' travel north by northeast. Let's start there." He pulled out a picture of Tsunade out of his pocket and looked up. "What?"

"I don't want to know what you're doing with a picture of her in your pocket," Sakura shook her head.

"I borrowed it from one of the archives at the library," Sai explained. "It should help us if we have a definite picture to go by."

"Were you planning to return it?" Naruto asked. "And can't we travel in the trees? It's faster."

Sakura and Sai exchanged looks. "I don't see why not," she said carefully. "It's not like we're trying to hide fact that we're Konoha ninja." She adjusted her hitai-ate carefully.

The next second, there was no one where the three had stood.

"Crazy ninja," someone muttered.

XxXxX

Meanwhile, Uchiha Sasuke and Hatake Kakashi were still in Konoha.

'_Why did I ever agree to this harebrained scheme of his?'_ Kakashi thought morosely, letting none of his feelings show in his posture. _'The Uchiha Clan is going to hate me so much more after this.'_

He could remember the conversation that had led to this as clearly as if it had just happened.

'_...Obito would kill me if he were still alive.' _

_((flashback))_

"So?" Hatake Kakashi probed, easily landing on the Shodai's large stone head. "What are we doing?"

"'We' are doing nothing," Sasuke said, not looking from where he stared out over the enormous village's sprawl at the base of the mountain. "I'm going to go attract his attention, and you are going to avoid being noticed because then he'll suspect a trap."

"I'm supposed to be keeping a watch over you," Kakashi pointed out. "And I'm still your elder."

Sasuke twitched. "Go play with your Sharingan, then! The point is, I can pretend to be a nukenin, and you can't."

"How did he find you last time?" Kakashi asked. Maybe they could do this... perhaps.

"Chuunin Exams," Sasuke replied tersely, automatically scanning the landscape around them for signs of intruders. The wind whipped his hair against his face, giving him the appearance of something far more mysterious than a human could ever be. Kakashi shook himself out of his sentimental thoughts.

"And you can't take them again because?"

"There's only two of us, in case you haven't noticed," Sasuke said dryly, "Besides, there's no certainty that an Uchiha will be in the exams, much less one with the talent to manifest the Sharingan."

Kakashi snorted. "Nearest exams are in Kirigakure in a month," he said quietly. "I can request backup if you make a big scene about your Uchiha-ness. Just don't act too skilled."

"Orochimaru doesn't go for weaklings," Sasuke said. He paused significantly. "Know any of my clan we can recruit?"

_((end flashback))_

Sasuke finished speaking; Kakashi zoned in to analyze the Hokage's attitude.

"As of now, we would have to gain the Clan's permission to participate," Sarutobi said, blowing out a ring of smoke. Kakashi repressed a sneeze and glared at the unoffending pipe. "I'm not sure Fugaku would be willing, under the circumstances."

"What about the Byakugan?" Sasuke asked, interrupting quietly. Under other circumstances such an act would have been rude, but by now Kakashi was willing to believe that the adolescent _just didn't care._

"The Hyuuga don't have any Main House members of the appropriate age or rank," Kakashi filled in, recalling the files he'd been forced to memorize on joining Anbu. Such was the paranoia of the elite that nothing had escaped their scrutiny. "And I doubt anyone wants to go after a Branch House member, given the trouble of the caged bird seal."

"You should have taken another person from your team with you," Sarutobi said. "I suspect you and Sai would have worked out very well."

"Tenzou," Sasuke said suddenly.

"What?" Kakashi was taken aback; he could see that the Sandaime was also surprised. _'Who is this 'Tenzou'?' _

"You know about him, then?" Sarutobi asked quietly. "The one who survived and inherited the Shodai's cells?"

"As long as he can work the Mokuton, Orochimaru will be interested," Sasuke said indifferently, and every sign Kakashi could feel about him was equally uncaring.

"Don't be overconfident," he said harshly. "Orochimaru is not someone you can dismiss so easily."

"Shush, Kakashi-san," Sarutobi said. "Yes, we can put him on your team, although we should have put in a kunoichi instead. However, you will not allow any harm to come to him, and you will answer one question for me."

"Can he use the Mokuton?" Sasuke interrupted.

"Of course. It's a Kekkai Genkai." Sarutobi looked Sasuke in the eyes. "Tell me; have you helped Orochimaru in any of his experiments?"

"Not on anything involving anyone unwilling," Sasuke replied. Sarutobi knew it would be the best answer they were going get and let the matter drop.

"Kakashi, please tell Izumo to send for Tenzou," Sarutobi spoke, quickly scribbling out and signing an official dispatch. "He should be recuperating in the Konoha Hospital. Give this to the head nurse or receptionist."

As Kakashi left, tucking the note safely in a hidden inner pocket, he saw the Sandaime tell his new partner to sit. As Shikaku's incredibly lazy young son would put it, "How troublesome."

If he had known how troublesome things would get, he wouldn't have bothered getting Tenzou and would instead have quit Anbu and run off to become a hermit somewhere isolated where most people could not reach and had never heard of anyways.

Sadly, he did not.

XxXxX

Naruto grinned as he walked through the city's busy streets.

"It's like a festival here," Sakura said, awed at the sights. Sai simply smiled his mysterious smile.

"Ero-sennin taught me the Rasengan here," he said proudly, pointing to one of the cliffs overlooking the city. "It was awesome!" His teammates smiled at his happiness.

"So maybe you were the one who accidentally knocked over Kikyou Castle," Sai joked feebly, since the famed keep was definitely looming over the rest of the city.

"Nah, that was the snake bastard." Naruto put his arms behind his head and stretched. "Hey, they sell cheap Anbu mask ripoffs here."

"And?" Sai asked. Naruto looked around shiftily before dramatically stage-whispering.

"What do you think the Anbu'll think? Hihihihihihi….Ow!" Naruto clutched his head in pain; Sakura had punched him.

"Stop it with the creepy laugh!" she scolded.

"I would like those masks," Sai said, walking over to a mask vendor. "No, not with those designs. I'm going to paint my own. I have my own supplies, too, you see? I don't suppose you'll mind if I pay extra to paint them here? Alright."

Twelve minutes later as Sai walked by with the finished masks, Sakura was calling Naruto a pervert and Naruto was looking around in boredom.

"Sakura-san," Sai interrupted, handing her a red-painted mask with a cat design. "Naruto-kun."

Naruto looked at his. "What kind of animal is this?" he complained.

"I think it's a pig," Sai said, pulling on his own hawk mask. "I hand-drew them from my analyses of our Anbu's masks and from memory of the entire database of mask designs."

"You memorized the entire mask database?" Sakura asked. "Is there a mask database?"

"Who do you think used to draw all the Anbu masks?" Sai retorted, pulling off the string and adhering the mask via chakra. "Great ninja they may be, but they have absolutely no skill with a brush. Half of them write chicken scratch, anyways."

"So you'd get commissioned to do all the Anbu masks?" Naruto asked. "That's cool!"

"Anonymous commissions," Sai said. "I wasn't the only one, either. Like I said, the Anbu are really paranoid. They think 'just because we suspect enemies everywhere doesn't mean they don't exist'."

Naruto and Sakura laughed. "Even when not on missions?"

"Why not?" Sai asked. "It's why they never live with pets."

"Imagine what would happen if they got surprised by their pet dog," Naruto joked.

"Or pet goldfish!" Sakura crowed.

"Flicker!" Sai said, his smile growing marginally larger. "Smash!" The people around them began backing away slowly from the crazy ninjas.

"Hey, I think the guy five meters away at two o'clock could be an Anbu. He's flinching every time we make an Anbu joke!" Naruto called loudly enough for the figure to hear. Said figure stiffened considerably before marching directly into an alley.

Sakura held up a mirror. "Six o'clock, one and a half meters," she called. "The girl in black." Said girl also made an impromptu exit.

"Ten o'clock, five and a quarter meters," Sai reported calmly, walking over to a stand to examine their brushes. "The one with the triangle on his shirt."

"Is that it?" Naruto asked quietly.

"HOLY SHIT!" Sakura screeched, pointing ahead.

"Hey, isn't that Ino's, Shikamaru's, and Chouji's dads?" Naruto asked blankly. "They look so different."

"I do believe they're laughing at us, dickless wonder," Sai said, stowing a bottle of ink somewhere in his bag. "Or they might be laughing at the Anbu."

"I don't think those Anbu were trying very hard, though," Sakura said, ignoring Naruto's infuriated shout. "Either that or they really sucked at espionage. Anything over chuunin could have found them."

"We're supposed to be chuunin," Naruto pointed out. "Maybe they didn't think we could find them."

"They should have prepared to look underneath the underneath," Sai said unexpectedly.

"That sounds like something Kakashi-sensei would say," Sakura blinked.

"It was one of the Yondaime's quotes," Sai muttered, watching the Ino-Shika-Cho trio.

"Hey, a gambling tournament and convention!" Naruto cried, pointing at a poster. "It's in Kumogakure in two weeks!"

"At least it's not in Iwagakure," Sakura noted. "Relations with them are still pretty unstable after the Kyuubi and the Yondaime's death."

"What about the issue over Neji's dad's dead body?" Naruto asked. "I'd be pissed if I got a corpse without the Byakugan if it was supposed to have one."

"Well, we'll just have to travel as civilians, then, dickless wonder," Sai said. "You should really think things through. Maybe you wouldn't have delusions of adequacy, then."

"HEY!" Naruto yelled.

"So we're going?" Sakura asked hopefully. She really, really wanted to have a talk with Tsunade-shishou.

"'Delusions of adequacy' indeed, hmm," Deidara muttered. "I swear, someone's stalking me." The bomb-happy ex-jounin shrugged and walked off in search of his next terrorist commission, reminding himself to avoid Kumogakure.

XxXxX

"What?" Kakashi asked irritably, stuffing his fake papers into his utility pouch for later perusal. Like the other two, he was wearing a simple long-sleeved, navy blue turtleneck, black pants, and bandages. Unlike Sasuke and Tenzou, he still wore his mask, Anbu gloves, and his chakra fang. Tenzou muttered something under his breath and shook his head.

"A Henge's too easy to notice, and it's a waste of chakra," Sasuke said firmly. "Here's the hair dye. Take your mask off because I'm not wearing one."

"What color?" Kakashi asked suspiciously. The last time he had been on a mission, his superior had 'accidentally' given him a bottle of lime green that had made him more conspicuous than his normal silver.

But since random laughing passersby had nothing to do with the mission at hand, he paid more attention to his teammates.

"Brown," Sasuke replied. "A nice, normal brunette, shade 127."

Well, that was better than bright green.

"When?"

Sasuke ignored him, and Kakashi henge'd himself some brown hair.

"You look almost normal," Tenzou said, poking his scalp. "It's a really good Henge."

"Thanks." Kakashi stuffed the bottle of dye into his pouch, wincing mentally at the sound of paper crumpling. "How are you disguising yourself?"

"I had a cousin named Sachie. She died in the attack, but I'm borrowing her guise."

"How are you going to disguise yourself as a _girl_?" Tenzou's voice sounded hoarse from long disuse.

Sasuke paused, scanning the verdant forests lining the road. "I'm not. I'm going to be 'disowned', which means no one can check up on Sachie's records. And no one knows about you, Tenzou. We're meeting up with the rest of the chuunin hopefuls at the next village. Shut up and walk."

"He's got something up his ass," Kakashi muttered darkly as he and Tenzou hurried to catch up with the speeding Uchiha.

"I heard that, _Kazuki_," came the reply. "And I don't care."

XxXxX

"This has to be it," Naruto said, staring at the carnival of bright colors and gambling games. He picked up a coin on the floor. "Heh."

"We're not here to gamble," Sakura warned. "We're here to look for Tsunade-shishou and bring her back to Konoha, no matter her bad temper."

"Do you want to explain things to her?" Naruto asked rhetorically, inserting the coin into a slot machine and pulling the handle. A shower of coins poured out the other end; he'd gotten triple sevens.

As the trio rushed to pick up the cash, Sakura noticed something in the crowd behind them.

"Hey, Naruto," she hissed. "Does that old, perverted guy with long, spiky white hair and a giant scroll on his back look familiar somehow?"

Wrong thing to say. "ERO-SENNIN!" Naruto bellowed, pointing. "Aren't you supposed to be back in the village?"

"Eh, I was sent to watch you?" Jiraiya said nervously as an ominous rumbling noise built behind the fence he'd been peeking through. "Oh, shit. Bye!"

And he kawarimi'd with a random innocent civilian and vanished. As the poor sod got beaten by hordes of angry women, the three temporally displaced shinobi chased after the sex-obsessed Sannin.

None of them noticed the nine-year-old blonde girl with a purple tattoo on her forehead who disentangled herself easily from the chaos.

"Damn," she muttered, eyes narrowing at the retreating backsides. "Shizune! We're going!"

After all, the Legendary Sucker had nothing to win by returning to Konoha.

Maybe after she tried gambling with that other sore loser, though.

XxXxX

Meanwhile, back at the Academy, the poor uninformed rest of the Rookie Nine and what would eventually be Gai's team, along with Sasuke's fangirls and the rest of the students in general wondered what had happened to the missing trio.

Iruka paused in his lecturing, watching the hawk soar past on a thermal and wondering where his new friend Naruto had gone. He was going to treat him to ramen, too.

Bah. Another thing to ask the Hokage when he saw him next.

"Hey, what's chakra elemental manipulation?" Ino asked, and he turned to answer her, only to be interrupted by a soft knock on the door. "Enter."

It was the Hokage. "Hello, Iruka-san, class."

"Hokage-sama," the slightly ragged chorus came in reply. Iruka made a mental note to teach them to calibrate better in the future.

"I'm here to talk about Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto, actually," Sarutobi began.

"Where've they been?" Ino interrupted peevishly. "Neither of them've been here in a month!"

"Well, that's exactly what I was going to mention."

"Then tell us!"

"Gladly, Kiba."

"Don't interrupt Hokage-sama, please," Iruka interjected. Sarutobi nodded at him before continuing.

"There has been an event they have been involved in," Sarutobi said. "They are all busy, but they will return in time for graduation."

"A-ano, I heard they got replaced by themselves from the future," Hinata squeaked.

"Mendokuse," Shikamaru breathed. Sarutobi agreed.

"You heard correctly. It was from your clansmen, I believe? In any case, they've already graduated and are currently working as a three-man team, Team Seven."

"Why seven? Shouldn't they be 'Team One' or something?" a random student who would fail her genin exams asked.

"That was a bit of bureaucratic meddling," Sarutobi said dryly, knowing the six-year-old would not understand his words.

"Thank you for informing us," Iruka said, shepherding the Hokage out. In a much quieter voice, he whispered, "Tell Naruto I said 'hi' and that I'll still treat him to ramen one of these days."

"I will," Sarutobi promised as he walked out of the Academy building. He seemed to making promises regarding the Jinchuuriki of late.

XxXxX

"Go recruit Deidara," Leader-sama, also known as Pein, ordered quietly. His hologram flickered, and Kisame sneezed. Itachi, the organization's current 'n00b', glared at his older partner.

"I don't want to be paired up," Sasori complained. "Especially not to an idiot with no sense of art who will die on us."

"Too bad." Pein's hologram flickered again and vanished. Hiruko's tail made a repeated clicking sound as it retracted from the ground where the hologram had stood.

"Let's go," Itachi ordered, ignoring the puppet master's angered reticence.

Hiruko clicked softly as it followed the other two Akatsuki members. Sasori ruminated inside, analyzing his new, temporary partners and impending permanent partners.

_((flashback)) _

"We have a new member," Pein said, looking out over the holograms of the other nine members of the Akatsuki. On one of the previously unoccupied fingers, a small figure blinked into view. "Uchiha Itachi."

The new hologram remained impassive even as the other members began talking amongst themselves in quiet, excited voices.

Finally, Pein interrupted Hidan's exuberant whoop of "-then he's a fuckin' heathen!" to deliver the rest of the news. "He is Kisame's partner. Orochimaru, go see if the rumors about that quartet from the future are true. They should be 'Haruno Sakura', 'Sai', 'Uchiha Sasuke', and 'Uzumaki Naruto', the Jinchuuriki no Kyuubi. As of now, they're all out of the village on missions, and they appear to have split up. Kill the first three as you see fit, but leave the Jinchuuriki be. Meeting adjourned."

Instead, of vanishing as usual, however, the members began doing what in less dangerous beings would have been called gossiping.

"Is it true that Sasuke's your brother?" Orochimaru asked.

"As true as Zetsu's your partner," Kisame joked, grinning and showing off a set of holographic shark fangs.

"This could be troublesome," Zetsu's dark side complained. "I'll go to Konoha, and Orochimaru can follow them physically. His face is known around there."

"Tobi is a GOOD BOY!" a very corporeal figure in a bright orange mask screamed loudly, slamming into the sealing statue and knocking Kazuku off his perch. "NOT!"

"What was that about?" Konan muttered. "I swear, he went insane one of these days and we just never noticed it."

"Dunno," Zetsu's white side muttered as the various Akatsuki members faded out of view and back to their daily lives. "He's been around a long time, after all."

Pein jumped off the statue. "What was that for?" he hissed.

Madara looked at him. "I doubt Itachi will be happy if his younger brother, his spare, is killed. And since he wants the Sharingan, Orochimaru will go after Sasuke."

"We will deal with that if it arises," Pein replied. "Besides, aren't the Uchiha supposed to be genius shinobi? He should be fine, and if he isn't, then that's his fault. Besides, there are other Uchiha." He turned to go.

"Things aren't so simple," Madara hissed. When Pein turned around, he had already vanished.

The Rin'negan swirled slightly, registering the fact that the other was truly gone.

XxXxX

Note: Tenzou is Yamato's real name. Go read the manga or Wikipedia for an explanation. Also, the action is coming up, and I really suck at action scenes, so please expect some convenient (or inconvenient) scene breaks.

Oh, and 'Anbu' is an organization, just like 'Hokage', which is why it's capitalized and the other four ranks are not.

And I never capitalize verbs. Especially not 'Henge'.

XxXxX

Jap/Eng Dictionary

Konoha- leaf

Shinobi- lit. 'tool of war'. Synonymous with 'ninja'

Ninja- if you don't know this one, why are you in the Naruto section?

Hitai-ate- forehead protector

Nukenin- missing ninja

Shodai- the First (Hokage)

Kirigakure- Hidden Mist

Mokuton- Wood Element/Type

Kumogakure- Hidden Cloud

Iwagakure- Hidden Stone

Henge- transform

Kawarimi- body switch

Sannin- Three ninja (aka. Tsunade, Jiraiya, Orochimaru)

Sandaime- the Third (Hokage)

Hokage- Duh. (lit. 'Fire Shadow')

Ano- Um.

Mendokuse- how troublesome.

Jinchuuriki- (lit. 'power of human sacrifice') used as a sometimes derogatory term for people with a bijuu sealed within them (like Naruto and Gaara) and mostly by the Akatsuki members.

Bijuu- (lit. 'Tailed Beasts') In the Naruto world, this appears to be the sum of the demonic creatures. Summons don't really count.

Hiruko- Sasori's giant tank-puppet. His name has a meaning; go look it up.

Akatsuki- (lit. 'Dawn') Group of up to ten members who want to seal up the bijuu and create a WMD and thus take over the world- secretly, of course- and create a new 'dawn' of humanity. For more information, look up Wikipedia or read the manga.

Kyuubi- (lit. 'Nine Tails') If you don't know, you have no right to be in the Naruto forum. If you do, power to you. XD

Sharingan- (lit. 'Copy Wheel Eyes') Duh.

Rin'negan- I refurse to explain this. Go look it up in Wikipedia or read Jiraiya's fight with Pein if you want to know.

XxXxX

AN: Thank you everyone who reviewed and told me that Hokage was 'Fire Shadow'. I have sworn to never write at one o'clock in the morning again, so it shouldn't happen again...


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Here is chapter four. This is where I get more into detail and less into speech. I hope. Read and Review, please.

After this, I won't update until at least May 19, 2008. Why? Because of the AP Exams. I need to cram. Dosdevanya.

Disclaimer: I am female. Kishimoto is not. Infer on your own.

XxXxX

Chapter 4: So Now What?

XxXxX

"I must be crazy to do this," Kakashi muttered, staring at his reflection. His _changed _reflection; he was now an effeminate genin who appeared to be several years younger than he actually was and had lightly tanned skin (the dye had run_ everywhere_) and large, doelike black eyes due to the judicious use of permanent makeup and a change in facial muscle position. Ugh. His jaw was sore already; there were advantages to wearing a mask.

"Are you done yet?" Sasuke called grumpily from outside the bathroom door. "You've been in there for an hour and a half!"

"Shush it, _Sachie!_" Kakashi called. "You have a girly name, you know!"

"Umm, Kazuki?" Tenzou's hesitant voice filtered through the thick wood. "I really have to go."

"Five more minutes!" Kakashi screamed, trying to find his mask. Where had it gone? He could have sworn he'd left it by the sink when he went to dye his hair….

"You said that thirty five minutes and forty two seconds ago," Sasuke said, rapping on the door. Kakashi swore he could see the actual wood grain shift slightly as if responding to Tenzou's tension. "And if you want your mask, I picked the lock while you were taking a shower and took it. You're not using it."

Kakashi snarled silently in anger before calming himself as a good Anbu should. "Then at least give it back!" he shouted, hopping on one foot as he dragged his pants on. He had finished with one foot and was pulling the other on, avoiding small puddles of water when he realized he had forgotten his underwear. By then Sasuke was already fiddling with the lock, so he simply shoved it in his utility pouch and zipped his fly.

The door opened just as Kakashi seized his shirt and shoved it behind his back guiltily. "Interesting dye job," was all that came as Tenzou shoved past them and to the toilet.

The two exchanged looks that plainly said, 'Let's give him some privacy,' and filed out, Kakashi closing the door behind them.

They were discussing routes in and out of the inn when Tenzou left the bathroom.

"Fifteen minute piss?" Kakashi asked dryly. "This isn't going to become a liability, is it?"

"No, of- of course not!" Tenzou squeaked.

"Use the basic medical knowledge you learned in the Academy," Sasuke said flatly. "Especially the part on chakra usage and the excretory system."

Kakashi recalled techniques used to control certain bodily functions, mostly used by medical ninja but some used by all shinobi. Control of water and blood flow, especially to the kidneys, was one of them, a technique used so often and constantly it often became second nature as the chakra pathways unconsciously adapted the body from long use.

Still, that knowledge didn't stop his embarrassment for forgetting to apply the information to the situation. He was about to reply when someone knocked twice, paused for five breaths, and knocked twice again. Sasuke went over and opened the door to show a nondescript older man slightly taller than Sasuke in a jounin vest and Konoha hitai-ate.

"I am Kazesaki Seikei," the man introduced himself, brushing lank, shoulder-length brown hair from his tired, wan face. Someone had broken his nose sometime in the past and it hadn't set right; slightly bloodshot eyes ringed with deep purple bags analyzed his surroundings for possible threats, and his skin was a sickly shade of yellow-gray and slightly flaccid. All in all, he looked like a man under extreme, prolonged stress. "I am in charge of the genin teams and will be your jounin instructor for this exam. Please treat me well."

"Is that it?" Sasuke asked quietly. "Where is the rendezvous point?"

"In the woods by the camp in thirty minutes," Seikei said. "We can do introductions there. Ninja of your caliber should be able to find it easily. There will be nervous brats pretending to be tough, so please don't kill anybody."

Sasuke shut the door in his face.

"That was rude," Tenzou observed. Sasuke opened the door again to show that the jounin had already left.

"Pack," Kakashi told him as he went to do just that.

"Hai, Kakashi-sempai."

Sasuke whirled around and pinned Tenzou soundlessly against the wall with his arm so swiftly Kakashi hadn't even seen him move. In the quiet, frozen silence he spat, "Never call him that again on this mission. He is 'Kazuki-kun' or 'Kazuki-san' to you. Forget that, and I won't let you stay to bungle this mission." He let Tenzou drop, the shocked boy sliding down before curling up against the wall.

"You shouldn't do that," Kakashi was surprised to find himself saying. "That was excessive, and I doubt he'll be in a stable enough mental state to be able to do anything now."

"Is that all you guys think of me?" Tenzou asked quietly from his fetal position. "As a pawn on this mission?"

"No." Once again, Kakashi found himself surprised, this time at Sasuke's unconventional answer. The other ninja still stood over Tenzou, but any hint of hostility or even tension was gone. "But stupid mistakes like that, even when they seem to be in safe environments, have cost shinobi their lives. I was taught early on that it was better to overenforce a rule than to slip up later because someone made a stupid mistake."

Kakashi remembered something. "I think we're going to be late," he said tersely, sprinting into the bathroom and shoving his supplies into his pack. "It takes at least twenty five minutes to get out of this town at an average genin rate, and we've already wasted ten."

"Can't we just move really fast or on the rooftops or something?" Tenzou asked as Kakashi finished his own pack and moved on to Tenzou's. Sasuke's was nowhere in evidence.

"Then they'll wonder what happened to us," Sasuke said, strapping an extra pair of utility pouches to his waist. _'So that's what happened to his things,'_ Kakashi thought briefly before shoving a small scroll into a waterproofed side pocket and zipping everything up. _'He must really travel light, then. Even Anbu take more.'_ He handed the pack to Tenzou and opened the door just as Sasuke opened the window.

"I'll sign us out," he explained hurriedly as he already began moving out. "Meet you out front."

Tenzou shifted gazed between the two of them, gulped, and moved to leave out the door. Wordlessly, Sasuke shut and locked the window and followed suit. The apartment now looked as it had been when they had first entered it, down to the last wrinkle on the bedspread.

To be honest, Kakashi was slightly baffled by his new partner, who was apparently also his student and from the future. It wasn't that the other teen was odd for an Uchiha- Itachi had also had his dark moments- but it was the air of complete mystery that surrounded him like an aura. As he handed their room key to the woman behind the counter, he watched his teammate covertly.

Perhaps it was merely the fact that Sasuke had once been a nukenin, but Kakashi didn't trust him one bit.

XxXxX

Naruto stared at the man in front of him, face unreadable. The man stared back hostilely, and the ninja wished he had his hitai-ate with him. At least it would have given him confidence. But then, ninja were automatically banned from such competitions since it was automatically assumed they would cheat.

What Sakura-chan would do to him if he lost all their money was something best left uncontemplated.

He deliberately picked up a coin, moving as if in slow motion, and made as if to set it down, staring into his opponent's eyes like he'd seen Morino Ibiki do to some poor sod from Iwa who'd been captured as a spy. (It had taken exactly two hours, twenty four minutes, and six seconds for Ibiki to completely dismantle the man's mind and pick up his secrets. But then, Konohagakure no Sato was _very_ harsh on spies.)

The man squeaked almost inaudibly, and Naruto turned up the ante, sending enough killing intent at the man to freeze an ordinary genin in his or her tracks.

He just hoped that his eyes didn't start turning red or anything.

"I give up!" the man screamed, falling and entangling himself as he tried to jump up and run away. He threw his card onto the table; a straight.

Naruto smirked and set down his own cards. Royal flush. Then he realized that that had been the final round of the poker contest.

"THE WINNER IS UZUMAKI NARUTO FROM THE FIRE COUNTRY!" the commentator roared into his microphone, causing all ninja to wince at the volume. Damn sensitive ears…. "UP NEXT ARE THE DICE GAMES!"

Naruto stood up and whooped into the chilly autumn air, surreptitiously scanning the crowd for signs of Tsunade or her unique chakra. The necklace she would give him hung around his neck, cold and unresponsive, hidden under his shirt.

Wait. Cold? It should have been warmed to his own body temperature, trapped as it was in the insulating layer of warm air between his clothing and his body. He covertly signaled Sakura and Sai to search around, hiding the hand sign in one of his exuberant waves. "YATTA!" he screamed, not only because he had won.

Of course, the Legendary Sucker would have to come up soon. She had always loved dice games.

Up in the stands, Sakura noticed Naruto's subtle signal and began scanning her fellow spectators. No, that wasn't her. Not that one, either. Nope. Nope. Nope. Why were there so many blonds here?! HOLY SHIT what was that idiot doing? Nope. Nope. Nope. Where was Sai? Had he already gotten a lead? But then she noticed a crawling ink shadow. Nope. Nope. Nope. Damn. They really needed an Uchiha or Hyuuga to help see through Tsunade's numerous genjutsu. Nope. Nope. No- wait!

Sakura quietly made her way down to the first row, where a nine-year-old girl with pigtails and a green gambling jacket sat, holding a participation ticket and followed by an older teen with black hair and a dressed up pig.

Honestly, they were such an odd group Sakura wondered how she could have missed them. She adjusted her hair tie in lieu of her hitai-ate and walked up to them. Naruto noticed, made a shocked face for an instant and a half, and then took the pair of die offered to him.

Tsunade walked out and took her seat opposing him. "If you win, I'll beat the crap out of you."

Naruto looked at her carelessly, then did a double-take. "Whatever you say, baa-chan," he replied cheerfully. "Bring it on. _After _I win, of course."

Tsunade promptly swore to use Genjutsu: Narakumi no Jutsu on the insolent brat. After the contest, of course.

Up in the stands, Sakura faceplanted at their aggressive stupidity.

"Han," Tsunade smirked. She rolled the dice.

"Chou," Naruto dissented, showing her the numbers.

"…damn."

"She really is the Legendary Sucker," Sai said, sitting down next to Sakura. "That's the twelve hundred and sixth time in a row. I was doing a background check. Apparently, she's wandering around countries as a gambler, so she won't be in top shape. Still, she's formidable. The last time a debt collector caught up to her, she destroyed everything within a mile and a half radius of their original position and then some. That was in the Wind Country, though. After this, she plans on going to the Water Country to stock up on something. The man wasn't very specific, but it probably has to do with the variety of swamp plants found only near Kirigakure."

"We aren't going to catch her now?" Sakura asked.

"Look again," Sai said. "She, Shizune-san, and the pig Tonton have already left. What you're seeing is a trio of Kage Bunshin under Henge. Very good ones, I might add. Even I was fooled until I tried catching another one of her by the onsen and it vanished."

"Should we tell Naruto?" Sakura whispered.

"Nah, he already knows. He uses that technique all the time, remember?" Sai pulled out a dango and ate it. He carefully aimed at the Shizune-clone.

_Poof!_

"See?"

"What if someone else had noticed?!" Sakura hissed back. Sai shrugged.

"We would have convinced them it was only a product of their imaginations. As for Tsunade-san, she already knows, or else she wouldn't have left them."

Sakura sighed. There really was not arguing with ex-Root members.

"I win!" Naruto cheered below.

"There's really no point in our staying here anymore," Sai said. "Let's get the dickless wonder and leave."

Sakura sighed. "Why won't Tsunade-shishou just talk with us?"

XxXxX

Kakashi was sure the ninja calling himself 'Uchiha Sasuke' was hiding something. And hiding something important. The former nukenin was walking in a trance, his breathing, perspiration, and heart rate rapidly speeding up. The subtle tensing of various muscles indicated that he was feeling threatened and ready to move into a defensive position. His hands were in a position where he could easily make hand seals.

Therefore, it was with all the ease of an Anbu elite that Kakashi could hear when an especially sharp hiss overstrained his injured lungs, almost _feel_ the grinding tear as the delicate lung tissues ripped against each other and shredded. Sasuke began hacking up blood, dropping to his knees when the liquid flooded his bronchii and prevented him from breathing.

Kakashi noted all the symptoms instantaneously and calmly went to fetch their jounin-sensei. "Sachie's coughing up blood. He tore out the bronchii of his upper left lung, and the alveoli there are no longer functioning. His left lung has, for all intents and purposes, collapsed. He's currently on the ground behind us."

Seikei promptly screamed for the group's unofficial medic.

XxXxX

"We need a medic!" a snot-nosed genin screamed. "Someone's dying!"

Sai was immediately suspicious. "If you're an enemy in disguise, we are jounin-level Konoha ninja."

"We need a medic!" the genin screamed, hyperventilating.

"Show us, and if this is a trap, I'll rip your balls off," Sakura told him, steering him back towards the trees.

"We need a medic!" the genin protested.

"I'm a medic!" Sakura snapped in frustration. "Now move!"

"Say, what are the chances that it's Sasuke and that he overstressed his body?" Naruto asked conversationally. "Bet you fifty ryo!"

"Why would Sasuke be going towards Kirigakure? Orochimaru's building up Otogakure in the Rice Country right now," Sakura pointed out. "It's probably some poor genin who tripped and fell on his kunai or something."

"His name's Sachie," the genin babbled. "He's new."

Naruto snickered. "Heh. Girly name."

"You owe me fifty ryo."

"Pay you when we get back."

"What if you die?" the genin asked.

"We won't 'cause we're just that awesome," Naruto joked. "Just wait 'til you see us in action."

"You're my age," the genin said, sniffling and proving that he had some sort of repiratory tract infection.

"Get the cold looked at before the Chuunin Exams," Sakura said distractedly, hopping over a poorly hidden trap.

"It's just ahead, medic-san," the genin said. "My team's waiting."

The three ninja were slightly shocked at the messy camp.

"I can't believe we were ever at their skill level," Naruto sighed.

"What do you mean, 'were'?" Sai asked blandly, approaching the only guarded tent. Since Kakashi- at least the person they assumed was Kakashi in disguise, since he looked absolutely nothing like Kakashi- was the one guarding it, they were fairly sure that it was the one housing Sachie. "You still are."

"I resent that!" Naruto cried. "I've gotten much better! Dattebayo!"

A messenger hawk carrying a large bundle and a note landed on Kakashi's arm. "I am Tsuna Kazuki," he said, throwing the bundle inside the tent.

"Yep, it's you," Naruto said cheerfully. "You even sound the same."

"Think it'll be a liability in the Exams?" Kakashi asked quietly. "I've never quite dealt with a problem like this before."

"Nah," Naruto said confidently. "People don't pay too much attention to voices. Not unless your worst enemy finds you."

"I'll go heal 'Sachie'," Sakura sighed. "Seriously, he should have known he was going to injure himself stressing like he does nowadays."

"Yes, well, he's always been a bit of an idiot when it comes to his health," Naruto said, remembering incidences from the Wave mission, from the Chuunin Exams, and from just about everything else the team had ever done.

Sakura disappeared into the tent, and Naruto and Sai assumed positions around it casually.

"Sakura-chan owes me fifty ryo," Naruto told a random group of genin that walked by carrying buckets, bait, and poles. "Good luck fishing. I heard fish are attracted to shiny things this time of year."

"Why are we carrying heavy buckets of bait, then?" the group's kunoichi asked suspiciously.

"Training, of course," the jounin-sensei said blandly. "That and you might get hungry beforehand." The girl looked at the mess in her bucket.

"No thanks. I'd probably get E. coli or something."

"You never know," Naruto chimed in with the jounin. "My partner's healing the idiot in the tent."

"That's nice to know," the man said. "I'm afraid they won't make it past my team, though."

Naruto laughed.

XxXxX

Inside the empty tent, Sasuke lay sprawled on the ground, unconscious. There was plenty of blood, but Sakura was pleased to notice that not only did most of it appear to be old, it was also clean. This would be easy, then.

All it really took was a healing jutsu to help the torn blood vessels and another to help him cough up the messy, coagulating residue inside.

Sakura had barely just finished healing her longtime crush and teammate when he stirred. She stretched, dissipating the slight feeling of fatigue from an hour and a half of chakra usage.

"Ugh."

"Don't you dare reopen that wound," she warned him. Sasuke made no motion he'd heard her, but she knew he'd follow her instructions. There were reasons why no one wanted to cross medic nin.

"It should hold through anything less strenuous than the Jounin Exams," she said. "Internal injuries are tricky, though. Don't fight anyone powerful with it for at least two weeks. Yes, that includes Orochimaru. Just distract him or something."

"Uchiha Madara exists," Sasuke said. "He-"

Sakura frowned, taking his temperature. There was no fever. "Shush. You know Madara's dead of something by now. He lived over eighty years ago."

"No, listen to me," Sasuke said, grabbing her arm in an iron grip. "He's still alive. When the Shodaime defeated him, he created the Akatsuki. They want to use the bijuu to take over the world. Itachi killed the clan for a reason. Orochimaru is nothing compared to Madara." He released her arm.

Sakura rocked back on her heels. "That's impossible," she said stubbornly, remembering Sasuke's earlier outburst in the Hokage's office. "It just can't be!"

"Itachi told me that just before he died," Sasuke said. "He also wants me to stay away from Madara, at least until I've mastered the Mangekyou. And to ensure that I don't go blind, I have to _take the Mangekyou from another Uchiha and implant them in my own._"

"Why are you telling me this?" Sakura asked, her mind reeling from the shock. The information was too new, too different from what she had thought all her life. "It's not like I can-"

"It's a warning," Sasuke hissed. "Beware of the Uchiha Clan." He hacked suddenly and Sakura tensed, but the coughs abated.

"I don't know what to do anymore," he whispered, suddenly looking lost. "I don't even know if I want to do anything. Or even if I can."

"Who kidnapped Sa-Sachie and replaced him with you?!" Naruto screamed from outside the tent. "That's not what y-an Uchiha acts like!"

"I hate it when he eavesdrops." Sasuke pulled the bundle over and untied it. A dark blue shirt with his clan symbol on the back fell out. "I hate it more when he eavesdrops and can't control himself enough to eavesdrop well.

"You're not going to wear it, are you?" Sakura asked, ignoring Naruto's outraged hisses and Sai's laughter.

"I don't have anything else. And this _would_ advertise my bloodline as well as if I suddenly decided to use a Sharingan genjutsu on everyone." Sasuke eyed the shirt, his emotions hidden. Sakura thought she sensed anger, guilt, confusion, and, oddly enough, some sort of elation.

"It's your choice," she said quietly, rising from beside him. "My teammates and I have to go find Tsunade-shishou now."

"I heard rumors that they're holding a grand opening for some casino in the Water Country," Sasuke said. "Try there."

"Why is it that you always seem to have information the rest of us don't?" Sakura grumbled without any real venom.

"It's just who I am. I thought you'd be used to it by now." Sasuke pulled his bloodstained shirt off and pulled the new one on, using the old one to wipe away as much blood as possible.

Sakura shrugged. "Your absence hasn't helped. See you after the mission."

Sasuke watched quietly as his teammate left. Hopefully, she would get the warning.

XxXxX

"Damn," Fugaku muttered, staring at the pitiful few of the Uchiha who were left. "Thirty seven. Damn him."

"Have you found what's wrong with Sasuke yet? His personality is less obedient that an Uchiha's should be." Fugaku looked up to see two of the twelve remaining adults, Haruhi and Tensa.

"It's probably a combination of stubbornness and lack of training," Fugaku replied, engrossed in the reports. "For now, we'll train Madoka as next clan head."

Mikoto walked in, clutching a large chopping knife. "Our son is estranging himself from us, and you don't bother to try to retrieve him?" she demanded. "We know for a fact he has a fully matured Sharingan, which none of the younger generation has, and possibly even the Mangekyou. He's our _son!_"

"We'll explain if you put the knife down," Fugaku said. "Look at this report. Haruhi, please send in Madoka and Saya."

"The only two in the entire clan who have killed their best friends for power," Tensa said. "You know, if they choose to voluntarily donate their Sharingan others, those others would have completed Mangekyou."

"Cost-effective, but those two are also the most talented children we have left after Itachi's betrayal and Sachie's death. Besides, who said we are going to have them kill each other?"

"What about Sasuke?" Mikoto asked sharply, waving the report. "The Anbu indicate that he has talents at least equal to Sachie had."

"He's too rebellious, and he has already informed us that he no longer wishes to associate himself with this clan," a young, female voice said from the doorway. "Saya and I tried to get him to return after Itachi's betrayal, but he refused."

"Enter," Fugaku said unnecessarily, motioning to the chairs. "What you're about to learn is something that may only be discussed under the main temple of the shrine by the Nakano River."

Mikoto set the papers down on the desk, the words written on it repeating themselves in her head over and over again.

_From his medical, Uchiha Sasuke has shown to have an amazing degree of proficiency with the Sharingan Kekkai Genkai from the slight distortion of the chakra pathways around his eyes. There are signs that they are further changing, perhaps showing a further evolution in the doujutsu, but what comes to our attention is a unique enzyme that originates from a group of cells on his neck. The cells create a formation of three tomoe, and appear to have been purposefully, voluntarily changed, as they coexist peacefully with the rest of his cells. _

_This phenomenon has been called the 'cursed seal' and is identical to the one on the neck of one Mitarashi Anko. It is known to be the work of the nukenin Orochimaru. Given Uchiha Sasuke's former status, it is likely that he left to join Orochimaru out of his own free will. At the time of this report, he suffers from massive, partially healed internal injury caused by battle. _

_He also appears to be mentally unstable- _

"-from Itachi, and the other will take the Mangekyou from Sasuke," Haruhi explained. Tensa excused himself to train the other children, most of whom were now orphans, wards of the Clan. "Be careful, and do not get yourselves killed. We have reason to believe Sasuke is now at least at Itachi's level, if not above."

"Above Itachi-sempai?" Madoka murmured, smiling coldly. "I would love to see that."

"I want to kill the one who killed my younger sister," Saya whispered quietly. Like everyone else in the room, she wore undecorated black to mourn her lost family.

'_There are signs that they are further changing…._' Mikoto thought. '_It's forming the Mangekyou Sharingan._'

"Wait until you have grown strong enough to challenge them," Haruhi cautioned. "We will be training you personally."

'_Cursed seal…. he left to join Orochimaru of his own free will…. For power…. _'

"Should we plant a spy to watch Orochimaru in case he decides to obtain the Sharingan," she heard herself saying distantly. "Since Uchiha Sasuke did mention that he wanted our doujutsu."

"Six years," Fugaku told Madoka and Saya. "When you two reach adulthood, if they have not died by then, you will hunt them down and take their Sharingan."

"Uchiha Sasuke's been sent to kill Orochimaru," Haruhi explained. "We don't anticipate trouble from him."

"But why have we given up on Sasuke so easily?" Mikoto pressed.

Haruhi glanced about furtively. _I'll tell you later,_ she signed. _Ten o'clock, in the gatehouse by the compound's main gates._

Mikoto was forced to settle for that as the meeting broke up and the people left until it was just her and her husband in the room.

"I'm sorry about Sasuke," Fugaku said quietly. "I know how much he meant to us."

"Everything's changed, hasn't it?" Mikoto said. "Even without the Clan Elders to pressure us, we give up our future as a sacrifice for power."

"Just like Uchiha Madara did at the Valley of the End," Fugaku agreed quietly. "But I think that if we can get Sasuke to return to the clan, we can begin rebuilding ourselves. It's not right, for us to kill each other thus."

"But we've been doing it for generations," she reminded him. "Ever since Madara killed his brother for his eyes."

"And that must change," Fugaku said, lifting his head. His Sharingan bored into her own as she activated hers with a _snap_. "It's become to costly."

"Everything has a cost," she reminded him quietly. "It's time for the Uchiha to involve itself once more in the active ninja roster."

A soft groan outside the door informed them that at least one person was eavesdropping.

"Yes, Madoka, Saya, that means you get D-ranked missions," she said teasingly. "Now shoo. Go practice, because soon you won't have the time to. Practice, become strong, and show the village that we Uchiha have not fallen."

"I can see why you were considered an excellent propaganda minister back in the day," Fugaku said. "I'll see what I can do about Sasuke."

"I have to make dinner," Mikoto said. "The entire clan's coming over."

"What?!" Fugaku yelped, dropping out of his seat.

Mikoto snickered and left.

XxXxX

Sarutobi sighed.

"This is going to be troublesome," Koharu agreed. She put the report down. "I'm not sure if sending one of Orochimaru's former students after him is a good idea. We should have sent Hatake-san with an elite Anbu team or even yourself."

"It's a bit late to worry," Homura reminded her. "We can only cover our tracks and hope for the best."

The door opened, and Danzou walked in.

"Then, about Itachi-san's failure," he began.

"We will wait for word about Madara and the Akatsuki," Sarutobi said firmly. "We can kill of the Uchiha later."

"I think they'll be traumatized into reforming," Koharu said dryly. "There's no way they can keep killing themselves off like that."

"We will wait and see," Danzou said. "In the meantime, the clan is pressuring me to train Uchiha Madoka." He touched the bandage over his right eye.

"Why now?" Koharu moaned. "This is just too troublesome. What is the clan planning now?"

Sarutobi stood up and walked to the window, looking down at his beloved city. "We can't raise their suspicions," he said finally. "We will also begin to train the future Team Eight and Team Ten in anti-Sharingan warfare as soon as we gain permission from their clans. Judging from what their former classmates said about them, they would be able to."

"A balance of powers," Danzou said shrewdly. "Now will you not disband my Root organization?"

"No."

"Damn."

"What about Minato's son and the Haruno girl, the Uchiha's teammates?" Danzou changed the subject.

"The seal appears to be fine and holding up well," Sarutobi said. "Jiraiya reports that it has stabilized and that the secondary seal, having been released, is adapting to the change. He is also unsure of why he would ever want to finish off the secondary seal, but the sealing toad told him to stuff his face and keep writing his porn."

"That's it?" Homura interrupted. "Nothing on showing him the Yondaime's techniques?"

"Of the Hiraishin and Shunshin, we don't have any records other than a few kunai lying around," Sarutobi said. "They were keyed specifically to Minato, so they'd be useless anyways. As for the other techniques, apparently Jiraiya taught- will teach- would have taught- them to Naruto himself."

"And Haruno-san wants Tsunade to finish teaching her," Koharu finished. "As for the last one, he appears to be perfectly fine honing his techniques by himself and show incredible loyalty to the Jinchuuriki."

"What a dysfunctional team," Danzou said dryly. "We are certain of their loyalty?"

"Could we stop them if they weren't?" Sarutobi shot back. "It is already too late to worry about that. All we can do is keep sending them on missions."

"This complicates matters," Koharu sighed. "We're going to bring these issues up in the next council meeting, I know it."

"Have fun arguing with old goats," Sarutobi said distractedly. There was a messenger bird from Sunagakure on the horizon. "Until we have definite ideas or plans, we will adjourn our informal, spontaneous meeting."

And that was how the four most powerful people in the village decided its future.

XxXxX

AN: I'm sorry I didn't update earlier, but I had cannibalistic plot bunnies. They grew. And grew. And grew. And then a giant wildfire started up a few miles from my school. We could see the hills burning as we were on the freeway.

And since I don't know the names for all the countries, I'll be using the English ones. For now.

And yes. I'm a sadist. Evidence from recent chapters shows that Sasuke has been having health issues from his fight with Itachi. Apparently, they only show up if he overstresses himself. And that was after Madara semi-healed him. I made his reaction more severe in this fic because he has been exerting himself. Half a month is not enough for major injuries of any sort to heal. I know this from experience.

As for why Sasuke's upset, let's just say that this time, Itachi implanted a little more than just doujutsu. After all, if he could alter the chemical and physiological makeup of Sasuke's eyes, why can't he also send in a few EM waves?

And since a few of you are probably upset that I'm explaining everything here and not in the fic, I will stop writing these for now.

Review if you get confused. Review if you don't.

XxXxX

All Uchiha but Fugaku and Mikoto and the Three Big Ones are all OCs, since Kishimoto never gave us any names. As soon as he reveals them, though, I will add them. (If they aren't dead.)

XxXxX

Explanation of Scientific-ish Terms:

Bronchii- A bronchus (pl. bronchii) is a small tubelike structure ('stems') in the lungs that bring air to the alveoli.

Alveoli- Alveoli are small air sacs ('buds') that filter oxygen gas from the air into the blood and waste products from the blood and back into the air to be exhaled.

(Note: Up close, your lungs look like broccoli.)

EM waves- electromagnetic waves. Happen whenever you think. Different frequency for different thoughts and for different people. (Yes. It is now possible to 'read' minds. Just scan the waves.)

XxXxX

Dictionary

Chakra- mix of spiritual and physical energy used for jutsu. Also known as 'chi'.

Jutsu- technique(s)

Shinobi- synonymous with ninja

Ninja- Ha. Ha. Ha. How do I even begin explaining?

Jounin- elite ninja. Like Kakashi. Have mastered at least two forms of chakra nature manipulation.

Konoha- Leaf

Hitai-ate- forehead protector

Genin- rookie ninja

Nukenin- missing ninja

Iwa- Stone/Rock (the village)

Konohagakure no Sato- lit. 'Hidden Leaf Village'

Baa-chan- granny

Kirigakure- Hidden Mist

Kage Bunshin- Shadow Clone

Henge- Transformation

Onsen- hot springs

Sensei- teacher. It's an honorific.

Ryo- form of ancient Japanese currency. Also the unit of money in Narutoverse.

Otogakure- lit. 'Hidden Sound'

Shodaime- the First (alt. 'Shodai')

Akatsuki- criminal organization, S-class nukenin (lit. 'Dawn')

Genjutsu- illusion technique (lit.)

Doujutsu- eye technique (lit.)

Hiraishin no Jutsu- 'Flying Thunder God Technique' (lit.)

Shunshin- lit. 'Flash Step'

Jinchuuriki- go read last chapter for explanation.

Sunagakure- lit. 'Hidden Sand'

After this, I will only put up new words. This list is getting really, really long.

XxXxX

Next Chapter: Ino gets curious, the Hyuuga get paranoid, and the Rookie Nine form with a bang! Also, Itachi undergoes Akatsuki troubles, Sasuke gets babied, Madara walks into walls, and Orochimaru meets Tsunade meets the Mizukage!


	5. Chapter 5

AN:… I need to get my priorities straight. Besides, I like writing crack. It's the ADD. Ja ne!

XxXxX

Chapter 5: Finally, Some Humor!

XxXxX

_Have you ever heard the wolf cry _

_To the blue, cold moon?_

_-Pocahantas, by Disney _

Yamanaka Ino wanted to know where her rival and crush had gone. The Hokage-sama had been less than informative with his oblique announcement.

…They hadn't eloped together, had they?...

So the kunoichi-to-be drafted her two friends, Shikamaru and Chouji, to help her on her 'quest'. And what a mission it would be.

It was for the good of the village! And with those thoughts in mind, Ino stubbornly began her mission.

XxXxX

"Hokage-sama! There's a riot going on in Market District! With the Uchiha gone, we don't have enough military police to stop it!"

"Then have the remaining Uchiha contain it as best as possible," Sarutobi ordered, taking his hat off. "Send in two Anbu teams to back them up."

"Yes, Hokage-sama!" the chuunin teleported away.

"What on earth could have caused this mess?" Sarutobi wondered to himself, then shrugged and returned to watching Ino and co.'s messups in the crystal ball. "Bah. I'm talking to myself. Next thing you know, I'll have split personalities."

XxXxX

Ino stared at the huge riot she had caused.

"That was so cool," Chouji said, munching on stick after stick of abandoned dango.

"Yeah," she agreed.

"How troublesome," Shikamaru complained.

"What?!" she snapped, rounding on him. How dare he diss their work! Especially if he'd helped!

Shikamaru pointed to the police, Anbu, and pissed off, purple haired tokubetsu jounin running towards them. "That."

Oh, shit.

"MY DAAAAANNNGGGOOOOOOOOOO!" Anko wailed in pain, searching for it desperately. Chouji crammed the rest of it in his mouth, but too late. "YOU DANGO THIEF! I'LL KILL YOU! DIE! SENAI'JASHUU!"

"GAAAAAAH!"

"WE'RE SUPPOSED TO STOP THE RIOT, NOT JOIN IT!"

"B-but he s-stole my dango!" Anko whimpered in fear. Kakashi was _scary._

"Stop this riot, and we'll buy you all the dango you can eat!" another Anbu offered foolishly. Anko immediately perked up.

"Really?" she asked cheerfully.

"I swear! I'll even pay for it all!" the Anbu panicked. He remembered what had happened to the other guy's paybook… perhaps he could have his buddies chip in….

"Okay!" Anko chirped.

Chouji sweatdropped and ate another stick. The Ino-Shika-Cho trio arrived and picked their kids up.

XxXxX

Hyuuga Hiashi wasn't sure that the ghost of his dead brother wasn't haunting him. There were odd moments when he was alone that he could almost hear Hizashi whispering to him, giving him the answers to a particularly difficult clan problem.

Such as the issue of Hyuuga Neji. Oddly enough, the kid seemed to despise Hinata, despite the fact that she had only ever been kind to him.

And today marked the twelfth time he had tried to murder his own cousin. Hiashi seriously needed a talk with the kid. It was probably the death of his father six months before. For a supposedly grief-stricken boy, making twelve assassination attempts in six months was an incredible feat.

And so, he stood in front of Neji in one of the Hyuuga Compound's ornamental gardens, ignoring the pair of Branch House members having a spar behind him.

"But making assassination attempts on Hinata-sama is my way of channeling grief!" Neji whined. Then he peered around nervously, despite the fact that his Byakugan negated the need for such behavior. "No one's spying on us, right?"

"Has Hizashi's ghost been haunting you, too?" Hiashi asked.

Neji nodded, then peered around anxiously.

"The last time there was a supposed 'ghost', it was one of the younger Uchiha Clan members on a dare," Hiashi reminisced. "By the way, I want you to teach Hinata how to use the Jyuuken. In the meantime, you can join the secret research committee on finding a way to remove the seal."

Neji looked around. "Do the elders know about this?" he whispered in code, leaning forward so that anyone without an active Byakugan.

"Of course not," Hiashi whispered back, leaning forward as well and apparently unaware that they looked like the epitome of a pair of plotting Hyuuga. "That's why it's a _secret_ research committee."

"Anything else?" Neji whispered.

"You and Hinata keep an eye out for anti-Hyuuga schemes," Hiashi whispered. "My most reliable sources say that the Uchiha massacre was ordered by the Konoha Council. We may be next. Be careful especially at the Academy, since that is where they'll probably try to start by subverting you younger generation."

Neji nodded in all seriousness. "We will," he promised. "For the good of the Hyuuga Clan."

Hiashi nodded and the two separated to continue their respective taskes. He sighed. The paperwork never seemed to end. It had to be spontaneously generating.

And, oddly enough, no one else noticed their conversation. Not in a compound of people training their 360-degree X-ray vision with the ability to read lips at odd angles.

They were _good._

XxXxX

"Why are we here?" Ino asked.

"It's not for the mess with the riot we made," Shikamaru replied.

"How do you know that?" Chouji asked, munching some chips.

"Because Hyuuga Hinata, Aburame Shino, and Inuzuka Kiba are also here," Shikamaru said. "We were all called at the same time, so it's for something that involves all of us. They weren't involved in the riot incident."

"Oh," Ino said, properly abashed.

"Unless Kiba's dog somehow got loose," Shikamaru amended.

"Oh," Chouji said in complete awe and understanding.

"Listen up!" a scarred ninja called out. "Sandaime-sama has asked for your cooperation! You may refer to me as Raidou!"

Hinata squeaked and fainted, and there was a small panic as her classmates rushed to wake her up. Raidou sweatdropped and wished Izumo were here instead. Izumo could actually deal with kids.

After Hinata woke up, he continued. "So, in the convoluted politics of the era, in order to balance out Danzou's Anbu Root organization, you are going to form two elite teams, along with another one with-"

"GAAAAAAAHHHHH!" an academy kid from the year above them screamed, his new bowl cut and green spandex clashing horribly with this intense orange leg and arm warmers and heavy eyebrows. "GAI-SENSEI! YOU ARE MY HERO!"

"AND YOU ARE MY YOUTHFUL STUDENT, LEE!" an older clone roared. Behind him, a girl with buns and a Hyuuga with a funny look that in a lesser man would have constituted disgust on his face stood some distance away.

"This is my new team?" Neji asked in shock. This definitely negated the honor of being chosen to graduate early. He could also see Hinata-sama, who had been taking to his lessons like chicken bone to a vacuum, sitting in shock, completely mortified.

Well, that made two of them. Neji remembered Hiashi's warning and resolved to be on guard.

He watched as two calmer, more efficient jounin herded up the younger group, and memorized the face of the pretty woman who was in charge of Hinata-sama.

"JOIN US, NEJI AND TENTEN, IN OUR GLORIOUS HUG OF YOUTH!" Gai screamed. Neji and Tenten shuddered in horror, grabbed each other's hands, and got the _Hell_ out of there.

Damn politics.

XxXxX

"Do you think it'll work?" Genma asked doubtfully, poking the crystal ball.

Sarutobi looked at the crazy Team Gai, two of which were trying to break down the front gate of the Hyuuga manor, behind which the other two were cowering in shock and fear.

"Nah."

XxXxX

Meanwhile, on the other side….

"This is your new teammate, Kisame," a grayscale hologram spoke up.

Itachi glared at his erstwhile partner. Kisame shivered.

"Can't you pair up the two Konoha-nin together?" he complained. "I'd rather work with Sasori." Konoha nukenin were scary!

"I…" Orochimaru drooled.

"Yes?" the Leader-sama turned to Orochimaru, Rin'negan flashing.

"Want…" Orochimaru seemed to be in a zombie-like trance, staring at Itachi. Itachi felt slightly molested and stared back, Sharingan flashing.

"Speak up, or don't speak up at all," Leader ordered.

"His…."

"Never mind. We don't want to know," the rest of the Akatsuki chorused in unison. And the conspiracy theories rose, from wanting Itachi's ass (hence the mysterious, false rumors of Orochimaru's gay pedophilia) to Itachi's eyes (hence the mysterious, not-so-false-but-still-false rumors of Orochimaru's gay pedophiliac tendencies with nubile young Sharingan users).

Itachi mentally whimpered. This was a nightmare. This was _so_ a nightmare.

He blamed it on himself and the Council.

And it was no surprise that, a fortnight later, Orochimaru was so driven by their combined rumors (honestly, how the nine and five spares of them had created so many rumors in such a short time and manage to spread them so far was a miracle best left uncomprehended) that he quit the Akatsuki and went off on his own.

And Itachi followed him, using the Mangekyou Sharingan to figure out that no, Orochimaru was not gay, no, he was not a pedophile, and no, he did not EVER want Itachi's ass. It was just the Sharingan he craved.

Not that that fact made Itachi feel better. So, instead of Orochimaru feeling mind-raped by the experience, both of them felt mind-raped by the experience.

And they never spoke of it again. Which prompted more rumors of exactly _what_ had been going on in the Tsukiyomi, courtesy of a spying Zetsu.

A few days later, Itachi got his revenge by pointing out that he was the only one who knew the truth of the rumors, and that since his fellow members were so nice as to spread rumors about him, he would also be so nice as to not tell him the truth.

As they kowtowed in front of him desperately (the world's worse S-class nukenin, brought down by their own rumors and overactive imaginations, heh), Itachi barely held back from ordering themselves to turn themselves into Konoha (both for the benefit of the village and just for fun) and reflected on how good it was to be a scheming Uchiha.

Oh, yes. This almost made up for massacring his family.

And in the background, Uchiha Madara, also fondly known as Tobi the Good Boy, snickered and ate some more popcorn. This was hilarious.

XxXxX

Madara decided to approach Uchiha Sasuke to get his newest member off his hands, seeing as Akatsuki efficiency had gone down 500 since Itachi's arrival. He had know that his descendant was actually a saboteur from Konoha, but that kid was just _too_ efficient!

So, he decided to contact Uchiha Sasuke at the nearest possible time. And since he was so deep in thought, he didn't quite manage to activate his time-space ninjutsu in time.

_CRASH. _

No one, and he meant _no one_, was going to see what he had just done.

Which meant that Zetsu had to go. So he stabbed him/it.

Zetsu screamed.

…and the other Zetsu popped up, ate him, and the two integrated?

Madara sweatdropped. He hadn't know Zetsu was originally one plant-thingie. Otherwise he wouldn't have bothered pairing them up.

"I am so not finding a replacement for you. Finding Orochimaru's was troublesome enough."

Zetsu coughed politely. "That's okay. We'd just eat him."

"_Or her. Women taste good." _

Great. Now Zetsu was a multiple-personality, schizophrenic, cannibalistic (he'd always been, though, so that didn't really count), DIDS-afflicted, antisocial psychopathic plant (likewise) - thing.

Great.

XxXxX

"The Kokuangyou no Jutsu is an A-rank genjutsu originally developed by the Nidaime Hokage," Nara Shikaku said, instructing his son on the finer points of the Kage Mane. "We can use it to add space for our shadows to move around. However, it's a troublesome technique that uses too much chakra, so it's best if you get someone else to use it instead."

"Troublesome," Shikamaru said, forcing a chipmunk to tap dance.

"Then go practice," Shikaku said, pouring some tea and taking a drink. "I'm going to look at the clouds. Don't disturb me."

Shikamaru turned around, shocked. "Lazy!"

Shikaku's head was already in the clouds.

XxXxX

Sasuke stared at the poor Kiri chuunin guarding the gates. Despite the heavy, pervasive mist, he could use his Sharingan to great effect.

Which was great because he wasn't going to turn it off anytime soon.

The chuunin gulped, whimpered, and nearly pissed his pants. "Pass, Uchiha-sama," he whimpered. Somewhere deep in the intricacies of his mind, two neurons made the connection that created the subconscious emotional bookmark that said, 'Don't piss off any Uchiha because they have girly names!'

"I'll let it go… this time," Sasuke said ominously, completely terrifying the man and turning his psyche into mush. Kakashi and Tenzou sweatdropped at their teammate's behaviors.

"Stamina freak," Kakashi muttered under his breath. _He_ could only use Obito's eye for half an hour before he was pooped.

Tsunade, who was sneaking in illegally by jumping the fence, sweatdropped as well before taking advantage of the guard's distraction and hopping over. And into a pile of cow manure.

"&()UJ#PI(&(#&#UIOJ(OU&(&+()+#!"

The chuunin's partner sighed. "I knew we should have cleaned the place up before the genin started arriving."

Sasuke ignored him, striding past and barely missing pieces of a broken bottle.

"I can't blame you," Kakashi insinuated blandly. "You've just had two bloody revolutions. Manpower must be fairly low right now."

The chuunin sighed. "No comment, just go."

Sasuke went on, deep in thought about the revelations his older brother had given him about the true nature of their clan…. All at a poke of the forehead.

He wasn't sure whether to applaud Itachi for working to save the village or to condemn him for betraying his family.

He accidentally tripped over a stray kunai and, just to keep up appearances, began hacking.

"Accident or mission?" a passing jounin asked coolly, smirking. Sasuke glared at him, and the man backed off when he saw the Sharingan.

"Neither. Illness," he lied shortly.

"Oi! Sachie! Over here!" Sasuke went to rejoin his group.

The jounin snickered, turning to go. 'Sachie?' As if on cue, he felt red eyes burn into his back. He stopped and faked a cough. "Damn mist."

Sasuke turned his eyes back to the road.

Up on top of a nearby roof (no trees here, just fungi), the Sound Five and Kimimaro stood, watching their target.

"For Orochimaru-sama," they agreed. They split into two teams, Sakon, Ukon, and Jiroubou in one, and Tayuya, Kimimaro, and Kidoumaru in the other. Understandably, everyone was nervous. But then, Amegakure was so deep in civil war that no one really bothered sending anyone to check the records there. Orochimaru was still planning how to defeat Salamander Hanzou.

Each reacting according to their natures, the two false teams split up to begin their duties. After this Chuunin Exam, Kirigakure no Sato would be in a weakened state.

Ripe for the picking. Which made Tayuya's head fill with inappropriate pictures from all the rumors about their master they had heard over the years, but her teammates knew not to shove it in her face. She would always get her revenge deviously.

Kimimaro was fairly sure that she was the one who had gotten him landed in Kumogakure jail halfway through a mission in _Suna_ after he'd beaten her up a bit too much in one of their training spars, but he didn't bring it up. He had no proof, and he'd enjoyed the desert more than the rocky, misty mountains he'd been incarcerated in.

"Achoo!" he sneezed. Damn. He still hadn't recovered from that bout of cold he'd caught after massacring their entire prison contingent.

A nearby jounin looked up and saw the teams. Realizing that they were here for the Exams and that they were foreign, she memorized their faces and went back to work fertilizing her plants.

"Achoo!"

XxXxX

"Are you sure you're alright?" their temporary Jounin-sensei asked.

"Yes, Seikei-sensei," the three chorused.

"Well, don't train too hard and destroy more than you can pay for," he called, waving a swift goodbye.

He needed to report to Danzou-sama.

XxXxX

"Oi, Sachie-senpai, are you alright?" a worried fourteen-year-old Genin asked. "You've been zoning out, and you're really, really hot. Do you have a fever?"

"I'm fine," Sasuke muttered, coughing slightly.

"No, you're sick! I'm training to be a medic! I know you're sick!" the girl cried, waving her hands. "You should stay in your room until you get better!"

Sasuke wondered whether this was a subtle trick to get his team out of the Exams but discarded the thought.

"Don't get the rest of us sick!" the rest of the genin cried, vocally mobbing him back into his room, Sharingan and all. Sasuke wondered whether he should use a modified Zankuuha on them before he slammed the door shut.

"I hope he realizes the Chuunin Exams start tomorrow," Kakashi muttered under his breath darkly. The genin slowly moved away from him.

"He probably does. I hope he gets better by that time," one genin, one of the oldest of the group, sighed. "It took me seven years to work up to this."

"It's our first time," Kakashi said. "We'll have other chances."

"He's so cute," one of the more mature kunoichi sighed. "Too bad he's an Uchiha. Don't they have arranged marriages or something?"

"Who knows?" another said dryly. "No one knows much about the Uchiha clan. _I _heard they steal each other's eyeballs, but that can't be true."

If only they knew…. Kakashi ignored them and wandered away, making a mental note to remind himself to report to Hokage-sama that someone was being less discreet than advisable.

Upstairs, Sasuke sneezed miserably. Damn the weather….

XxXxX

Madara paused within sight of the walls. _Almost there._ He wondered if he'd finally catch some bizarre form of arthritis from the damp atmosphere.

_There._ The guard shift was changing, and he quickly infiltrated the village. _'Damn, they have bad security. Any good chuunin or above could have snuck in. Must be the recent coups. Now's a good time to start searching for the Sanbi, too.'_

With remarkably good cheer since his far-fetched plan to take over the world was actually getting somewhere, he hop-skipped stealthily to where they were quartering the foreign genin.

The genin were grouped by village then. He passed the symbol of the various villages. Stone, Cloud, Sand, Rain- smelled of Orochimaru, Grass, Waterfall, Rain again, Star, empty, Rain- just how many factions had that village split up into?, but no Konoha.

So he did the smart thing and went to check on the other side of the compound. Jackpot.

'_Let's see- Leaf, Leaf, Rain, Leaf, Leaf, Rain, Leaf, Leaf, Leaf, empty…. Or not.'_ Damn, did Konohagakure breed like rabbits there?

A violent sneeze caught his attention. That definitely sounded like an Uchiha. Only one of their clan (or anyone else with an incredible chakra and fire affinity highly unlikely) would end up so congested in a place so water-laden and cold.

Madara suppressed his own violent sneeze and wished he'd bothered learning water elemental affinity.

Without undue hesitation, he set his foot, by the side of the building… and fell right off. There was so much water in the air that the side of the building had simply been painted to be wet to deter outsiders.

So, no one could climb walls here.

No one, that is, except Madara. But since Madara had chakra to spare, he did the really awesome thing and _floated_ up into the room he was sure was Sasuke's.

Considering how there was a king's ransom in candles burning and a dark, blanketed body curled up next to the radiator while a dehydrator slowly took the moisture out of the air, it was safe to bet that was Sasuke. Even the lights had been turned on to add brightness to the room.

"Achoo!"

Madara opened the window and stepped inside, where it was nice, warm, and _dry._

"I like what you did," he said approvingly, wringing out his long, black cloak in the sink.

"Glad you think so," the other replied in a slightly nasally voice that indicated that not only was his nose completely stuffed up, but his eardrums probably weren't working right and his sense of hearing was shot as well. He probably thought Madara was one of his teammates.

Still, considering as how he hadn't bothered setting up any traps on the window- no, wait, never mind. There was a cleverly hidden wire that tripped a kunai that, if dodged, would trip an explosive note that would- Madara got the point. He shuddered at his near miss and went to close the window before the timed trap went off.

"Rewind the spring," his descendent croaked, hacking quietly.

"You sound under the weather," Madara said. "And I'm not one of your teammates."

"I know. You're an S-class nukenin who's supposed to have been dead for well over half a century. You're Uchiha Madara, also known as Tobi of the Akatsuki. Now rewind the spring before one of my traps goes off."

"How do you get them down?" Madara asked quietly, noting with satisfaction the devious (and lethal) setup before Sasuke's comments finally registered. "Wait. How do you know I'm your ancestor?"

"I set them off," Sasuke admitted. "Preferably with a dummy. But I'll make do with a person if I have to."

"Neither of them particularly care for intense heat and dryness," Sasuke explained. "Even some of the Suna genin think I'm going to far."

Madara shrugged. "I have a proposition for the Uchiha Clan."

Sasuke sneezed before taking the water from the dehydrator and dumping it in a kettle to boil. "Speak on. Just realize that I'm not in good standing with my clan right now."

"That's fine. I just need you to act as the messenger. Don't worry. Your teammates are downstairs. They won't notice anything. So, what do you know about the Clan's history?"

"About controlling the Kyuubi, making a deal with the Senjuu, your attack and near death at the Valley of the End, the so-called traitors who perfected the Mangekyou and went after you- what happened to them, by the way?, the Uchiha problem after the Kyuubi's attack when it got sealed, the planned coup, the recent massacre, or anything from before six years in the future?"

"That's about it," Madara admitted. "Who told you?"

"Itachi, right before he died," Sasuke said, sneezing. He frowned and poked at the dead fireplace. "Damn draft."

"Cover the fireplace with something solid," Madara suggested.

"Get to the point."

"Alright. You see, several years ago…"

"The proposition."

"Mmm hmm. This is the backstory."

"I already know it."

"Right. So, now that the clan's been attacked…."

XxXxX

Cliffie! I'm evil! (No, next chapter out soon. Have fun!)

Oh, and the song I put up there… has absolutely no meaning to the story whatsoever. The song was completely random. And now, thanks to my evil History teacher, I have been forced to expunge the words "it, things, like, fair, change" from my vocabulary. You won't be seeing them again in the story. At least not anytime soon.

Sorry this chapter was so short. I have three more APs to go. Two tomorrow. TT.TT I'm so screwed. But after that, I can write this fic to my heart's content. If I have a heart. (Which I am seriously starting to doubt.)

XxXxX

Omake: The Misadventures of Itachi, Part One

Of course, the time-traveling jutsu hadn't spared one Uchiha Itachi, either.

But since watching a dead body appear amongst many more isn't a particularly fun habit, we shall say that he was, miraculously, alive.

"Ow," the semi-blind Sharingan user grumbled. "I really shouldn't have given my Mangekyou to my crazy otouto. But then, I'd be entirely blind if I didn't, so that's okay." He went to go find something to eat and, preferably, something to stop his bleeding, because the land around him was starting to get very, very soggy.

He tripped over something. "OW! Who put a dead body here?!" He peered at it closely.

What on earth?

He poked it. Nope, no genjutsu. He poked it again.

"Kai!" _Whoosh!_ Nope, no genjutsu. "Sharingan!"

"What the hell?"

Because the corpse had… dun dun dun!... Sharingan eyes! And was female!

"Please don't tell me you died because you were really a girl, otouto," Itachi muttered deliriously to himself.

"Is he okay?" a man standing at a safe distance (fifty feet, well outside Itachi's now nonexistent Amaterasu and visual acuity range) "Why is he poking Tsuki-kun's body like that?"

"I think he's blind," his partner, also a man, whispered back. "Do you think we should tell Madara-sama?"

"I can hear you," Itachi said, appearing behind them, Sharingan blazing just for the heck of it. He couldn't really spare the chakra right now.

"Gah! You're bleeding on me!" the first man screamed. "My clothes! My hair! My beautiful skin!"

"No! You're getting dirty, my angel! There's no reason a great shinobi like you should be so dirty!"

"…Uchihacest at its finest," Itachi muttered dryly, staring at the pair. And then he finally fell over unconscious, releasing even more bodily fluids onto the pair.

"Let's get Madara," the first man said.

"Yes."

XxXxX

Dictionary

Tokubetsu jounin- lit. 'special jounin'; rank somewhere between chuunin and jounin

Dango- very, very good. Try it sometime.

Otouto- younger brother. Very formal.

Mokuton- Wood Technique

Kokuangyou no Jutsu- Nidaime's jutsu, probably originally as a safeguard so he could disable the Uchiha Sharingan and kill his opponent before his opponent could stick him in a traumatizing genjutsu. Calls up a ball of darkness/shadow. Translates into something like 'Artificial Darkness Technique', which is the only version I've come across in my not-so-extensive research. I'm fairly sure that it's inaccurate.

Kage Mane no Jutsu- lit. 'Shadow Bind Technique'.

Zankuuha- Air Cannon. The thing that Sound guy (Zaku) used before Shino blew his arm off and Orochimaru used him as Hokage-bait.

Sanbi- Three-tails. It's a giant turtle-thing that Deidara caught and Tobi the Good Boy got a free ride on. Manga chapters 317-318.


	6. Chapter 6

2stupid: New chappie! Yay-yuh!

Tensa-chan: Ahem. Lame.

2stupid: Gah! You're alive! But I updated?

Tensa-chan: Well, that too. Just read and review, people!

2stupid: Buwabuwa…. That was my line.

Tensa-chan: Too bad. Readers, having oral sex gives you throat cancer. So remember; use condoms.

2stupid: whimpers We are so screwed. This is a T-rated fic, not an M-rated fic. By the way, how do you even know this stuff?!

Tensa-chan: What? You've never had sex. And you should have been paying more attention when you read that article on alternative therapies for our English project. It was in there.

2stupid: Exactly! And I was paying attention.

Tensa-chan: And I know you're disturbed by tanned guys with blond hair and blue eyes. Like the one you were sitting across from during the Psych Exam. So get over it. Now get the story started.

AN: And that's how Tensa-chan (my insane alter ego with world domination plans) came back to life. From now on we will be making story commentary in author's notes before and after the chapter. God/Buddha/Vishnu/Amaterasu/Great Spirit/etc. help us all. TT.TT

Disclaimer: I am not Kishimoto Masashi. Therefore, I am a fan. And thus, I am writing a fan fiction, not an original fiction. Got it? DO. NOT. SUE.

XxXxX

Chapter 6: Things Keep Moving

XxXxX

"You want what?" Sasuke demanded, staring at his ancestor in complete befuddlement and shock.

"I want to talk to your father," Madara prompted again. "It's about the future of the clan."

"Why?" Sasuke asked. "And for what?"

"Well, since the Leaf was thwarted in its first assassination, there is no reason why the village should not try to assassinate again. And the Uchiha Clan is a strong one, with many special abilities, abilities we should harbor, especially against the bijuu. Thus, I have a proposition that may save the Uchiha without causing undue bloodshed."

Sasuke blinked, processing the information and possible paths leading from his actions. Like any good shinobi, he could, to an extent, guess at the near (very near) future based on knowledge of human behavior and of the events around him. "Continue."

"This is a proposition for the clan," Madara reminded. "It will be best if our bloodline vanishes from history from now on."

Sasuke turned dark eyes to his ancestor. "What makes you say that? And call me Sachie for now." He sneezed miserably again.

"I could almost believe you are truly curious," the masked man said dryly. "You know of our power to control the bijuu and the harm it caused us. We will seal them and leave the world be."

"And that's it," Sasuke said as dryly as the wet climate allowed him to and sniffled. "I somehow doubt that."

"All I plan for is the evacuation of all the remaining members before I set Amaterasu on the compound. There will be nothing left after the technique. Your traitorous brother will not be informed of the plan, and due to the mess he is making of my organization, your role will be to blame the Kyuubi attack eight years ago and the Amaterasu on Orochimaru, since you studied under him."

Sasuke poked at a fire, then removed a candle that had burned out and replaced it. "What if I decline?"

"Then it will be as if this conversation never took place."

"I don't die that easily."

"I can also show you how not to be adversely affected by this abominable weather," Madara offered blandly, standing up and retrieving his cloak. "Remember, the alternatives are worse. And you don't need to be dead, only… incapacitated."

Sasuke made up his mind. "I accept."

"Then I will meet you at the shrine two days after your return. You know the one I'm talking about."

"The one with the clan's meeting place?"

Madara eyed the window apprehensively, anticipating the strain of dodging numerous high-level traps.

"Take the door," Sasuke said. "It's safer."

After Madara left, Sasuke reflected that he still didn't know how to stop his annoying condition. And sneezed.

XxXxX

Naruto hummed softly as he skipped around. "Ne, Haku's still alive, isn't he? And we still have to keep Neji and Gaara-kun from going evil?"

Sakura sneezed in the heavy mist. "This is even worse than the Water Country," she complained. "I can barely see my hand in front of my face."

"Sakura, we have to keep Sasuke from killing off Orochimaru."

Sakura froze. "What?"

"You heard me. If Sasuke kills off Orochimaru, then he won't get the Sand to invade. Therefore, we won't be able to help Gaara. Also, once you consider it, if Sasuke does kill of Orochimaru, then things in this timeline will change so badly we won't know how to help anyone. We have to wait until the important things of the old timeline happen."

"You may have forgotten that our mere presence has probably already gone and changed the world as we know it," Sai said peacefully, fingering his ink delicately. "We have the advantage now because we are better equipped and have the element of surprise. I say Orochimaru must die."

"No!"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes."

"N-!"

"Shut up, both of you. You're giving me a headache. Why don't we just wait and see what Sasuke does?"

"Okay."

"Sure."

"Well, now we know how Kisame turned out so messed up," Naruto joked, changing the subject. "It was all the mist."

"They _are_ the Hidden Mist, you know," Sakura replied dryly.

"I think that I see flowers," Sai said breezily.

"I think he actually _likes_ the mist," Naruto whispered.

"It must make good art or something," Sakura shrugged. "Where's the gate?"

"Who are you, what are you here for, and where are your papers," the chuunin guarding the gate asked lazily. Naruto nearly sweatdropped; they had almost run right into the village without noticing it.

Sakura pulled out several sheets and handed them to him.

"These are-" he began.

Sakura blushed and grabbed the papers back. "I must have lost them, then," she complained, patting herself down.

'_Or maybe we just never had them in the first place,'_ Naruto and Sai thought simultaneously, since their papers were still being renovated back at Konoha.

"No papers, no entry," the chuunin said blandly, his hand reaching for the flexible senbon hidden up his pants.

"They're with us," a jounin wearing the Konoha hitai-ate spoke up, flourishing his own papers. "We had to call a medic. Several of us are having trouble getting used to the weather, and they just happened to be doing a mission on the Fire Country's border."

"Why couldn't you use our medics?" the chuunin asked peevishly, still suspicious. Sakura mentally gave him brownie points.

"Several of them are suspicious of foul play," the Konoha jounin said peacefully. "We have three in particular who won't even go out alone."

"That paranoid, eh?" the chuunin shook his head. "Good for them. All right." He made a hand signal, and three Oinin sprang out of the mist.

'They'd be jumping out of bushes if this were Konoha's entrance,' Naruto signed to his teammates.

'And there'd be four of them,' Sakura added.

'So their fourth member's probably still spying on us,' Naruto concluded.

'Then we shouldn't sign like this and raise their suspicions,' Sai interjected.

"-so Ichi-san will get you three registered," the chuunin rambled on. "And Ni-san and San-sempai will-"

"We get the point," the jounin said. "We will quarter them with us for the duration of their stay and keep watch on them."

"Alright," the chuunin nodded.

The jounin turned, motioning for them to follow. "By the way, I am Kazesaki Seikei. Please take good care of me."

"I am Haruno Sakura," Sakura introduced. "The blond is Uzumaki Naruto and the black-haired one is Sai."

"Just Sai?" Seikei asked, mentally rooting through his memorization of the files of various Root members. Oh, right. Sai. Mysteriously vanished, supposedly one of the four from the future. The other two were also from the future. Sai had been one of the few to resign from Root and the only one to survive, partially because he in no way would give out Root secrets.

"Just Sai," Sai said serenely. "It's nice to meet you too, Seikei-sempai. How is your bladework?"

"You know each other?" Naruto asked.

"We were teammates once upon a long time back when my brother was still alive," Sai replied, skirting his way around a burned hulk of building that had collapsed into the street. "The recent attempted coups must have taken a toll on this village."

"It's like this throughout town," Seikei agreed. "They've barely begun reconstruction. It's harder since most of the stuff here is stone, which doesn't molder as fast."

"At least they moved the corpses," Sakura said, skirting what appeared to be the decomposing remains of a puddle of blood. "Someone died here."

"My student's constitution took offense to the weather," Seikei said abruptly as they entered an eerily deserted section. "While we all enjoy the heat and dryness of his room, this will affect his overall performance."

"Of course," Sakura said, taking a deep breath and nearly choking on the high density water vapor. "It's like trying to breathe underwater here."

"Oh, believe me, it's much harder to breathe underwater," a blue-skinned woman with short, similarly blue hair in spikes much like Naruto's spoke up. "Even with gills."

"Oh, hello."

"You look like Kisame," Naruto said untactfully, peering at the woman through the gloom. "Is it always so dark here?"

"It's high noon with no clouds in the sky," the woman affirmed. "Doesn't get much brighter than this. I am Hoshigaki Akira. How do you know my reprobate of a nephew? He vanished during the coups after trying to kill the visiting daimyo. We're all very disappointed in him."

"Which is why they're currently on a manhunt after them," Seikei added. "To prove their loyalty."

Akira snorted. "It's like the Uchiha, I guess." She shrugged. "I heard there was one in this upcoming exams, Sharingan and all. Who knows. It certainly bears watching."

The Konoha nin, who knew for certain that there was an Uchiha with a Sharingan in the upcoming exams, smiled and nodded. After all, it's a bit hard to go against a six-foot-four jounin who looks like a shark, may or may not be PMSing and is in her native element. And has the advantage of residential immunity.

"I look forward to our fighting someday, Konoha shinobi," the woman called, slipping away silently into the gloom.

"Well, we know what's going to eventually happen to Kisame," Naruto said in the aftermath.

It was painfully silent.

"Hurry up," Ichi-san the Oinin grumbled.

"Maybe we should drop some pointers that he's probably within fifty kilometers of Amegakure being recruited into an incredibly powerful organization of S-class shinobi after the bijuu so they can use them to create an ultimate weapon, destroy the shinobi villages, and take over the world?"

"Thank you for the information," Ni-san the Oinin spoke up from somewhere around them. Naruto ran into an electrical tower that loomed up in front of them.

"Ow!"

Sakura ran into a lamppost six feet away. "Dammit, how does anyone see in here?"

"You get used to it," Seikei said, skillfully skirting around an unemptied trash can. The three time travelers swore they heard their Oinin guide snicker softly. It wasn't a nice snicker.

"Do you all use senbon?" Sakura asked, waving her hand in front of her face in a useless attempt to rid the air in front of her of water moisture.

"To some degree, they all do," Sai spoke up in Ichi-san's place. He was having no trouble walking around. "Naruto, move left."

"Why-eeeew!" Naruto screeched, nearly stepping in a rancid mess. He wobbled for a second, balanced in the position known in Shaolin as 'Rising Eagle' and in most places in the Naruto world as 'an incredibly stupid pose'. "Thanks. Hey, you didn't call me 'dickless wonder'!"

"You lack penis," Sai replied instead, wandering by to a nearby board covered in posters despite the fact that people walking by couldn't read the words because of the heavy fog.

"You can read that later," Sakura scolded. "Just don't get lost now."

Sai shrugged, joining them as a long, low building loomed over them.

"Is this where all foreign genin are being quartered?" Naruto asked.

"We're on the far side," Seikei informed them. "Please beware of the ground there. There is a particularly treacherous crater two feet the fifth set of planters from the right."

The Konoha nin simultaneously sweatdropped, even more so when they could see the window to what was obviously Sasuke's room lighting up the mist like a beacon.

"How unsubtle of him," Sai remarked.

As if on cue, the light flickered, dimmed, and vanished.

"Then why on earth would he open his window?" Naruto asked.

"Maybe to let out smoke?" Sakura wondered.

"How much do you want to bet that there's going to be legions of wannabe chuunin waiting outside his window to try to stick him with a kunai the next time he opens the window?"

There was a significant pause. "SAI!" Sakura bellowed.

"I believe I hear the first of them," Seikei said breezily. "Of course Sachie-san- don't laugh, I know his name's girly- won't be done in so easily. He's an Uchiha."

"That crazy-powerful clan?" Ichi-san spoke up again. "I would like to meet him. On the second part of the test, perhaps."

"Perhaps," Sai replied. "He can be scary at times."

"You sound as if you know him," Ichi-san said. "Oh, and Naruto-san, please dodge the pond-"

"AAAAUUGH!" Naruto shrieked as he fell into an overlarge puddle of green scum.

"We haven't cleaned it in months," Ichi-san finished.

"We don't know him," Sai replied, cheerfully ignoring Naruto's very colorful cursing. "He's a bit infamous around Konoha. All the Uchiha are. It's what comes of being too mysterious. Oh, and dickless wonder, it's impossible for the algae to have a noodle-spined bar sinister son of a camel and pig for a parent; they don't reproduce by mitosis."

Naruto gaped at him for a second before turning around and lobbing a handful of nasty-smelling gunk accurately into Sai's face.

Sai dissolved into a puddle of ink.

"There are bathing facilities in the compound ahead," Seikei said hastily, shooing them inside.

Naruto cast a chary eye on the masses of hostile genin, all of whom seemed to be holding down laughs, and stalked for the nearest stairs.

"Two doors down on your right," Seikei called. "I hope you have clean clothing."

"If not, he'll just borrow from someone here," Sakura said. "Where's Sa-Sachie? That was his name, right?"

Sai smiled blandly, ignoring her near slip up. Seikei wasn't so composed; a flicker of unnamed emotion flitted across his face, too swiftly to be read. Sakura took the chance to look around the room, embarrassed.

This would be a large Chuunin Exam, albeit (from what she could see) smaller than her team's first. The vast majority of students here were not Mist genin, as she had been expecting, since most shinobi, even genin, were suspicious of traveling to a different village, but a combination of Leaf and Rain. Sakura suspected that there would be about a hundred and fifty participants, half of whom would represent Konohagakure.

Sakura put the examinees out of her mind and scanned the room; the walls were a plastered, stained off-white, as was the low ceiling studded with open lightbulbs at regular intervals. There appeared to be a fireplace (which, of course, was out of commission due to the electrical lighting) in the wall to her left, and small tables, each with a complement of three or four chairs, crowded the floor. She noticed slightly amusedly that each village seemed to have staked out its own territory; for some odd reason, a group of Rain genin had called the fireplace, and one of them was carefully combing through the blackened mess.

"We were supposed to be going to the registration area," Ichi-san said reproachfully, startling Sakura out of her analysis.

"I guess," Sai shrugged. "I'll go with you."

Sakura had no doubt that the ink on their papers would be rearranging itself to fit their story or even 'vanishing' altogether in case things got sticky. Because, for some reason, all their missions had complications, which happened to be the reason why absolutely no one ever wanted to take a mission with them, with the exception of the Rookie Nine and Team Gai, which weren't formed yet anyways.

Soon, though. Sakura looked forward to reliving her life and making a difference.

"Sachie-kun is in his room. Go up the stairs your teammate went up, turn left at the first junction, and it's the third door on your right. These compounds were built like mazes, so don't get lost."

Sakura followed his directions and went up the stairs. She never noticed the dark shadow above her.

Easily finding her way to her ex-teammate's room, she knocked once. "It's me, Sakura." There was some hasty shoving and a few twangs as Sasuke disarmed his traps.

"Hello, Sakura." Sasuke opened the door and let her in. The change in temperature and humidity was almost instantaneous. Sakura glanced at the single, shuttered window. There were more traps on it.

"It's like walking into the Sunagakure desert," Sakura said, wiping away some sweat. "Do I smell tea?"

"I just made it," Sasuke replied. Sakura eyed him carefully as she would any patient. He looked thinner in that loose, dark blue shirt than he had in anything else she had seen. Like most other ninja, he wore loose, dark pants. His feet were bare, but his skin was pale and he was perspiring heavily. She jumped as he sneezed. "Close the door!"

She slammed the door, missing the cool draft it gave her.

"Do you have a fever?" she asked, since he could probably tell the difference on his own and wouldn't like anyone touching him longer than was necessary. "And how is your lung?"

"Both are fine," Sasuke replied. "My lungs don't seem to like all the moisture here, but that's a clan thing." He poured out a cup of something hot and faintly jasmine-scented and bolted it down.

"I love jasmine tea!" Sakura squealed. She walked over and poured herself a cup, taking care to notice Sasuke's movements. He didn't seem to be trembling, and his movements were graceful and firm, so there was nothing wrong with his joints or muscles.

"ACHOOO!"

Sakura winced, poking her finger in her ear to try to regain equilibrium. "It's amazing no one's heard you yet."

"What's wrong," Sasuke demanded, heading for the hottest part of the room.

"I think it's a clan thing. Probably has to do with your fire affinity, but you should be fine if you learn water elemental control. Your body will get used to it in a few days, and there seems to be nothing else wrong with you."

"Then why am I sneezing and not coughing on the air here?"

"It's more of an allergic reaction more than anything." Sakura winced as a stray kunai thudded into the shutter. "So your body will eventually habituate to it and your reaction will die down. Sadly, that only happens once, so the next time you come here, you'll have to get used to it all over again."

Sasuke said nothing. Sakura eyed her cup and moved to finish her drink when the door opened to reveal Naruto in all his toweled glory.

"He fell into that muckpit the local residents call a pond, didn't he?" Sasuke asked. "He's not taking my clothes if he falls in again. I need long sleeves."

"Then just don't do the snake thing or activate your second level curse seal," Naruto reasoned as he began rooting through the packs stored by the door.

"I like Senai'jashuu. And that's Tenzou's things you're going through."

"Then where are yours?" Naruto whined.

"I'm sitting on them," Sasuke deadpanned. He pulled out the shirt he had been wearing from the pack still attached to his waist and threw it at Naruto. "I'm not giving you any of my pants. Keep the towel."

"That's gross, Sasu-mmmpfh!" Sakura had him in a stranglehold.

"It's Sachie, dobe."

"Sachie-teme! You pervert!"

"Am not," Sasuke deadpanned. "Here, take Kakashi's pants and be gone. You have your own mission."

Sakura paused. "Oh, shit."

"What?"

"Tsunade-shishou's here. Which means that she and Orochimaru have a high chance of meeting. We need to stop them!" The pair were out the door in a flash, an abandoned towel floating to the ground after them.

Kakashi never did find out what happened to his spare pants. But that's a different story.

XxXxX

Little did they know their efforts were already too late.

"OW! Dammit!" Tsunade snarled.

"Aghck! Don't hit me, Tsunade-chan!"

Tsunade paused. "Orochimaru?"

Orochimaru blinked. "Oh, it's just you. I'm here scouting members for a new village I aim to create in a few years. You?"

"I got lost on my way to a gambling convention."

"And I came to see what two Sannin of Konohagakure no Sato are doing in my village," a dark, male voice spoke up behind them.

"Mizukage-sama! What we just said was true!" Shizune said, holding TonTon. The pig squealed a miserable agreement and sneezed.

"Where's Tanzaku-gai?" Tsunade asked.

"All the way back in near Konohagakure," the Mizukage said. "To get to the village you're looking for, go back to the Great Trade Road, turn left at the junction that leads to the Wave Country, and keep going. It will be the third town. I will have my Oinin escort you there."

"Alright!" Tsunade cheered. "The Legendary Sucker is going!"

Orochimaru watched his teammate leave, sweatdropping. "This is very different from what I expected."

The Mizukage shrugged. "Knowing her, she'll probably help revitalize our gambling economy. Also, she'll probably rid the Water Country of some nukenin. It would be a win-win situation for both of us."

"What about getting Konoha's secrets?" Orochimaru asked.

"She's a medic. I doubt we could get her to spill her secrets. Besides, she left over five years ago. No doubt by now they've reconfigured everything, so her information will be useless. You, on the other hand…." the Mizukage paused significantly.

"I'm a Jounin-sensei to a team from Amegakure," Orochimaru said smoothly. "Sakon, Ukon, and Jiroubou. I am also subbing in for another team; Tayuya, Kimimaro, and Kidoumaru. All of them are here for the Chuunin Exams."

"Would that 'Kimimaro' of yours be a Kaguya?" the Mizukage asked.

"No, all he has is the Shikotsumyaku."

"So he is not a threat?"

"No more than any other visiting team. I have checked."

"If he proves to be a threat, I will not hesitate to take him out- permanently."

"He won't mind."

XxXxX

"I just found out that you Tsunade-san left for the gambling city at the crossroads between here and the Wave Country," Akira said. "Now get out of our village."

Team Seven nodded dutifully before walking out the village, followed by a shadowy blot of ink. Akira turned to the Chuunin on duty and hissed when she stepped on some broken glass.

XxXxX

In accordance with the Mizukage's wishes, Tsunade beat the crap out of the fifth group of bandits she had met on the road. Her Oinin escorts took care of the bodies.

"I think we're being chased," she said. "It's not your teammates looking for a kill, is it?"

"There's only three of them," one of them pointed out. Tsunade resisted the urge to paint something on his bald, painfully shiny head.

"Tsunade-shishou!" a voice floated through the trees. Tsunade turned to see a blond boy, a pink-haired girl, and a black-haired boy running full tilt at her.

"RUN!" she and her escorts bellowed at the same time, jumping into the trees to move faster. They were soon followed by their pursuers.

"We just have a proposition for you, shishou!" the girl's voice floated through.

"Come back, Tsunade-baa-chan!"

"NOT ON YOUR LIFE!"

"You know them?" her escort gasped between breaths, struggling to keep up. He turned and saw Tsunade charge in the other direction, aiming straight for the blond.

"EEEEEEK!"

"That was a girly shout," his partner noted.

"Duly noted," he agreed.

"Why don't we see what's going on?" the third member of their team asked. The fourth member, the rookie, turned to go back, forgot he was still going in the wrong direction, and flew into a tree backwards.

"I'm fine," he said, waving and pointing at the now quartet, who were talking in hushed voices. His teammates noticed and went to overhear the conversation. Behind the mask, Madara sighed and vanished.

They would find the body of their teammate soon enough.

XxXxX

AN: Done! Finally! I should get back to doing my homework, but since I have time, I'm just going to work on my next chapter instead….

Ja ne! And please review!

I got all of three reviews last chapter, as compared to the two hundred hits within forty-eight hours. And no, none of those hits were from me.

I need feedback! Tell me if I have plot holes! Or contradictions! (I'm fairly sure there's at least one, but I just can't find it. Or them.)

XxXxX

Omake: The Misadventures of Itachi, Part Two

While they were gone, one Senju Hashirama found a still-living body that was not one of his men.

"I swear, the Uchiha are getting sloppy," he grumbled. "Oi! Pickup crew! Prisoner of war here! On the double!"

"I want pancakes," Itachi muttered, staring blankly with his newly red eyes. "I don't wanna kill the clan…."

"What the hell?" one of the pickup crew said. "I think he's gone insane."

"I also think he's an Uchiha. Blindfold him and move him somewhere secure!"

"But you're not Senjuu Hashirama," Itachi babbled again. "He's the Shodai. There's never been an Uchiha as Hokage."

"He's definitely insane," the crew member said. A medic walked by.

"He's delirious, not insane, usuratonkachi!" she scolded, punching him into one of the few trees left standing. She poked at the Uchiha. "Who ever saw an Uchiha with red eyes but no Sharingan?"

Senjuu Hashirama wondered if his 'prisoner' was really alive. "Heal him partially," he ordered.

The medic followed his orders, and Itachi woke up screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

"…." There was silence.

"You're Senjuu Hashirama," Itachi said flatly. "I'm Uchiha Itachi, your number one fan."

An Uchiha as a Senjuu's fan? Hashirama felt the world stop spinning and move backwards.

"Didn't the Shinigami eat you, your brother, Sarutobi-sama, Yondaime-sama, _and_ Orochimaru's arms, though?"

What the hell? This boy was definitely insane. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder, at least.

"Why are you here? Or did the Shinigami eat me as well? How did it get summoned it was supposed to eat me? Why am I not beating the shit out of whoever tried to seal me?" Itachi asked breathlessly. "Oh, thanks for healing me."

Hashirama had a brilliant idea.

"What's the date?"

"March third, eighty years after the Uchiha-Senju alliance founded the first Hidden Village, Konohagakure no Sato, and created an entirely new war and ninja system. Why?"

"I think you might be delusional," Hashirama said kindly. He wasn't sure the boy was an Uchiha, anymore. There weren't any Uchiha named 'Itachi'. "We and the Uchiha are mortal enemies. There's no way we would ever work together, much less form an alliance and change the world's power hierarchy."

Itachi blinked. "You'd be surprised. I'm from the future. To prove it, I know that you have a Kekkai Genkai, the Mokuton, and a brother with silver hair. I also know that your granddaughter will grow up to be loud, big breasted, a bad gambler known as the 'Legendary Sucker' and will summon slugs. That necklace you're wearing is crystallized chakra and can control the bijuu's chakra, like our Sharingan. Your granddaughter will lose it in a bet with the Jinchuuriki no Kyuubi, by the way. I also know that you and Madara hate each other, that Madara has a cheery, hyper childish alter ego named 'Tobi', and that I am not insane."

"Right," Hashirama said. It was just better to be in denial, especially since he couldn't condone the fact that he'd ever have a bad gambler.

But still, who but he and his immediate family knew about the necklace's powers and origin? Certainly the knowledge had never leaked. So there was no way the person in front of him could know anything. Unless…

"Oh, my god, you _are_ from the future, aren't you?" Hashirama said quietly. And promptly fainted from the shock of having a bad gambler for a descendant.

His attendants did the same. Itachi, whose injuries had reopened from the excess talking, fainted from blood loss.

"Oi! Leader-sama's down!"

"Gah! It's an Uchiha spy! Run!"

"No! Catch and interrogate him!"

Itachi sweatdropped and went to look for pocky.

XxXxX

Dictionary:

Oinin- Hunter Nin. Specialized in hunting down nukenin and in destroying dead shinobi's corpses. Probably the Kirigakure version of Anbu.

Ichi- One

Ni- Two

San- Three

Shikotsumyaku- Corpse Bone Pulse. It's Kimimaro's bloodline and, as you probably already know, it lets him mess around with his bones.


	7. Chapter 7

\2stupid: And here is your next chapter.

Tensa-chan: In this sub-par fic of yours.

2stupid: You try writing one, then!

Tensa-chan: Maybe I will!

AN: As you see, my internal rivalry has not abated. The plot bunnies have hit breeding season. I fully expect to finish this fic before working on any of my others, however.

Disclaimer: I own Naruto. My name is Kishimoto Masashi. I can't find room to put this in the canon. And that is why I am posting this online. Note the sarcasm. I don't want to own Naruto; in Shikamaru's words, it's too troublesome.

XxXxX

Chapter 7: And the Light Keeps Vanishing

XxXxX

Tsunade poked the necklace. "Have you damaged it in any way, shape, or form?" she asked dangerously.

"Ehehehehehe… no." Naruto scratched his head, discomfited.

"Good." Tsunade handed the necklace back. "Now, why on earth would I return to Konoha? There's nothing for me there."

"Then at least return and finish teaching me," Sakura said.

"You know, I'm still not sure whether or not I believe you," Tsunade said dangerously.

"Please say 'yes'," Naruto offered, giving off his normal shit-eating grin.

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "You know I was going to say yes anyways, don't you?"

"Yep!" Naruto cheered.

"Gaki," Tsunade grumbled good-naturedly. "Well, if this is proof, I guess I have to. Say, can you let me take a detour on the way home?"

"You're going to ditch us then and run off again, aren't you?" Sai asked. He was sitting facing away from them, drawing the local scenery.

"Bye!" And with that, Tsunade vanished.

"Damn!" Sakura cursed. "Shishou's being really, really annoying."

The rookie Oinin gulped audibly as Sakura punched a giant crater into the ground out of frustration. His teammates couldn't blame him.

And it was with a mixture of considerable relief and dread for their mission that they watched the three shinobi disappear into the weak golden sunlight slanting through the trees.

Well, at least the flora was predominantly birch and aspen, not the pine, oak, and sequoia that afforded so much maneuverability to the Hidden Leaf. Slowly, the Oinin began chasing their so-called 'client'.

Several dozen meters ahead of them, Tsunade sneezed violently, scaring away the birds and giving her position away.

XxXxX

"This test will be divided up into three parts, so listen up, brats," Hoshigaki Akira said to the arena of genin. She smirked. "This is the first part. Your team consists of three people. You will not be able to get help from anyone not participating in the Exam, including your jounin-sensei."

Akira paused, scanning the group, noticing various bits of infighting and sectionalization, and finally settling onto a certain trio that she was to watch, on orders of the Mizukage.

She continued. "Each team has gotten a medallion with a symbol. Another team will have a medallion with a matching symbol. Your job over the next seven days is to find the other team and take their medallion."

"I have a question," a Iwa genin spoke up, raising his hand.

"No questions," she barked. "All the teams have been confined to village borders. Any team that kills, maims, or otherwise injures a civilian will be disqualified, as will any who lose a member or do not have a matching pair by the end of the 168 hours. You may drop out at any time by leaving the village- after returning your medallions to the Exam's administration offices at the center of the village."

"But we can kill off the other teams?" one Kiri kunoichi asked hopefully.

"Hence 'losing a member'," the jounin smirked back. "Also, I hope you have everything you need, since the quarters you have been staying at until now are now off limits, along with certain other parts of the village you should already know. Have fun, because your test starts at noon."

"That was five minutes ago!" a Suna genin exclaimed, outraged.

"Then just start, gaki," Akira said, vanishing into the mist mysteriously before joining her fellow jounin for drinks at the bar.

Discontented mutterings rose around them as Sasuke, Kakashi, and Tenzou exchanged triumphant glances, having brought everything with them out of training and habit. Tenzou fingered the lump of chakra-infused metal in his weapons pouch. "_Kaze_," he mouthed.

'_Now,'_ Sasuke coded. "Tenzou, go with Kakashi." He turned.

Sharingan ablaze, Sasuke turned and attacked the genin team nearest him. Kakashi pulled up his hitai-ate and did the same to a more distant team from Suna. Tenzou tagged along with Kakashi, feeling particularly useless; there was little wood here, and he had a much harder time using mokuton from scratch.

The Suna team went down easily, considering Kakashi's skill as an Anbu. Tenzou noticed that, while Kakashi didn't bother hiding his obvious skill, Sasuke fought at a low chuunin level.

The arena dissolved into chaos as several teams emulated the three and others attempted to flee from the fighting, with varying levels of success. The ever-obscuring mist blocked out most of the fighting and muffled the sound, but Tenzou could hear the screams as he slashed desperately at his similarly terrified opponent with a kunai.

"Fuck," he heard one girl near him swear. "Where's the damn Uchiha?"

"Peace, Tayuya," a deep male voice said.

"Well, we're all together now," different male voice said the same time Tayuya retorted, "Don't tell me anything, Jiroubou, you fuckface!"

"Shut up, the lot of you," a much younger and authoritative voice spoke up.

"Sorry, Kimimaro," five voices chorused.

"We'll find the Uchiha. His teammates are unimportant but also useful, so Orochimaru-sama wants them dead or alive."

"Suiton: Suiryuudan no Jutsu!" Kakashi called out from ahead, and the mist in the arena vanished, revealing the fighters and coalescing into a scintillating water dragon that swiftly knocked out both the team he and Tenzou were fighting and the team Sasuke had been demolishing.

"I found it," Sasuke called, running over. Suddenly, he skidded to a halt and cursed. "Shit."

As one, five people wearing Amegakure hitai-ate turned. "Well, if it isn't the Uchiha," one sneered.

"You're Orochimaru's. What does he want," Sasuke said flatly.

"He wants the Sharingan," the youngest, a preadolescent boy with clan tattoos and white hair, said heatedly.

"Kaguya Kimimaro," Sasuke muttered. The killing intent in the air rose markedly, and Tenzou noticed most of the other teams skulking off, away from the fight that was soon to begin.

"This is for Orochimaru-sama," Kimimaro announced. "Die."

"Have you mastered all the dances yet?" Sasuke retorted, easily dodging.

Kimimaro screamed with effort as bones ripped through his body and went on the offensive. His teammates attacked Kakashi and Tenzou, and the two followed the genins' paths, followed by the other four.

XxXxX

"Thanks," Kakashi said, nodding toward their 'savior' team. The fact that he and Tenzou had given the other group their matching medallion hadn't hurt.

"We're survivors," the other Konoha genin smirked, giving him a thumbs-up sign. He and his team all looked so ordinary as to be stereotypical, an effect that had probably been cultivated for use in reconnaissance missions.

"Be careful where you shove that finger," Kakashi drawled. "I once knew a guy who lost his thumb because he did that halfway through a fight with an enemy. He survived, of course, but they never did get to reattach his thumb. He couldn't do jutsu anymore and had to retire."

The genin immediately retracted the aforementioned digit, and Kakashi didn't quite have the heart to say that the shinobi in question had been a jounin from Iwagakure. Kakashi had been his opponent during a rather disastrous spying mission there.

"I'm Umeki, by the way," he said. "These are my teammates, Miosuke and Takara."

Kakashi sighed. "I am Kazuki. My teammate here is Tenzou. Our other teammate, who is currently having the fight of his life, is Sachie."

"The crazy Uchiha?" Miosuke spoke up. Kakashi noticed with some amusement that all three of his juniors were carefully keeping their extremities very close to home.

"That one," Tenzou muttered. Apparently, he still hadn't forgiven Sasuke for his outburst back in that one inn.

"Ah, I hope he doesn't decide to murder us all like that other Uchiha did."

_Chirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchir-_"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"That was from the arena!" Takara, the kunoichi of the team, shrieked.

"Sachie must have gotten angry," Kakashi said.

"Definitely," Tenzou agreed.

"Shut up."

The three true genin jumped back on guard. Kakashi admitted that the appearance of a bloody Uchiha half-wreathed in mist only starting to return after being used in a suiton jutsu was rather frightening.

"Your Sharingan's still activated," Kakashi pointed out as calmly as he could. Judging from the genin's flabbergasted looks, he had managed to pass himself off as lazily apathetic. Useless, but interesting.

"It's going to stay that way until the end of the exams," Sasuke snapped.

"Someone's upset," Kakashi shot back.

Sasuke muttered something inaudible and probably unflattering under his breath. "Anyways, Kimimaro isn't dead. I suggest sending him to the Anbu Torture and Interrogation."

"He holds grudges," Tenzou explained to the watching genin.

"So cool," Miosuke murmured.

"They're like Anbu in disguise!" Takara squealed. "Please team up with us, powerful team-san!"

"Why-" Sasuke began, hoping that their disguise wasn't _that_ bad.

"Alright," Kakashi agreed. "We're not all that powerful, you know. We'll have a better chance of survival if we stick together." He shot a glare that said _'We're undercover!'_ at Sasuke.

Sasuke shot back a glare that said quite plainly, _'How are we supposed to do our mission if we're burdened down by brats?'_

Tenzou shot a glare himself. _'Shut up and cooperate!'_ The fact that he actually had the will to countermand a pair of crazy murderers (coughalleliteshinobicough) shocked his teammates into compliance.

"So," he began quietly. "Who wants to eat?"

XxXxX

Six hours later, three genin and three fake genin were huddled in an abandoned building, a rather high-level genjutsu hiding them from the rest of the competitors.

A soft _thump_ at the door alerted 'Team Seikei' that they had probably been discovered. Kakashi pulled out his tanto and went to investigate. The blade glowed a soft, almost unnoticeable white.

Hoshigaki Akira stumbled in, holding a bloody shoulder. "Damn," she cursed, her blue skin turning an unflattering shade of pale as shockingly red blood welled up between her fingers.

"What happened?" Tenzou asked as they helped the jounin sit.

"Damn nukenin," the shark-like woman said, slumping against the wall. Automatically, the group kept their voices hushed in front of their audience. "The snake-like one originally from your home village. He got me with a kunai and exploding tag. I don't think my shoulder will ever be the same again. Dammit."

"Orochimaru," Sasuke noticed dispassionately. "He must have noticed the damage we did to his subordinate."

"That Kaguya was a piece of work," Akira agreed. Her voice sounded slurred. "I gave myself some basic healing, but the blood loss's interfering with my chakra control."

"We'll treat you for free if you help us kill Orochimaru," Kakashi offered.

"I'll keep the village off your backs for sneaking in as genin. It's a crime to impersonate another, especially a ninja with a kekkai genkai, Sachie. ITAI!"

"There's shrapnel buried in your shoulder," Kakashi explained, carefully using a kunai to dig out bits of twisted metal. He wondered how the jounin had gotten her information. "Do you have a blood replenishing pill?"

"If I did, would I have bothered finding you guys, and I'd also have visited the hospital but for the fact that an entire idiot faction from Amegakure took the place hostage," she grumbled. "They won't last long. And I did notice the Anbu packs you all carried."

"Tell us where you learned about my impersonation," Sasuke said, pulling out a small packet with two or three small, glisteningly black balls. "And I'll give these to you."

"I got your sensei drunk," Akira admitted, taking a pill. She was returning to a healthier shade of blue.

"I thought your blood was blue," one of the genin said, coming over, her voice annoyingly loud compared to her superiors' hushed conversation. She sounded disappointed.

"Only insects have blue blood," Akira shot back. "Or maybe nobles."

They all snorted at her joke.

"Who's Orochimaru?" Umeki asked. "And are you all really Anbu in disguise?"

"No," Kakashi said. "We're all just tensai."

"Yeah, right," Miosuke snorted. "Then why haven't we heard about you?"

There was a minor pause.

"Of course you've heard about us," Sasuke droned oddly, sounding like a bad quack of a hypnotist.

"See! You're lying!"

"We're using fake names, duh," Kakashi said. "You know us by our real names. We have quite the reputation."

"All Uchiha have a reputation, though," Takara pouted prettily. Kakashi mentally filed away a notice to her jounin-sensei that she was still several years too young to be considering seduction.

Kakashi touched his newly dyed hair in relief, thanking whatever Presence existed that he looked nothing like himself. There wasn't more than one silver-haired, masked ninja famous in Konoha. There hadn't been since his father's death.

"Ummm…" Miosuke spoke up hesitantly. "I think our proctor's fainted."

"I'm awake," Akira spoke up. She didn't move from her relaxed pose as she shoved a second pill into her mouth. Kakashi began bandaging her shoulder.

"In case you were sent to spy on us on the Mizukage-sama's orders, I want to tell you that our only objective is to hunt a nukenin. We will abide by the Exam's rules," Sasuke said suddenly.

"You _are_ Anbu in disguise!"

"We already know that, idiot," Umeki scolded. "Listen better next time, Miosuke."

"I know," the genin grumbled.

Sasuke paused. "Tenzou and I are still genin. Kazuki used to be."

"Well, that's nice to hear. I'll report that to the Mizukage. You'll probably end up with an autopass so we can get you out of the village. By the way, Senju Tsunade of the Sannin was also spotted, but she was last seen going in the direction of the Wind Country." Akira stood up and walked out the door, whistling cheerfully.

"She was faking!" the true genin team said in outrage.

"No, she wasn't. What do you put in those blood replenishing pills of yours?"

"Crushed bits of soldier pills," Sasuke shrugged. "It's an old family recipe. Now can we stop talking about drugs?"

"So, how are we going to go after our target?" Tenzou asked. "Without involving the genin team because, honestly, they'd be dead before they realized they were under attack."

"We're not that weak!" Umeki protested.

"Compared to us, you are," Sasuke said absently. He was busy drawing an accurate, detailed diagram of Kirigakure no Sato from memory. "We're right here. Akira probably came from around here, so Orochimaru's probably hiding in one of these warehouses."

"If he hasn't taken the initiative and left yet," Kakashi muttered.

"I think our best bet is to go out, make big messes, and announce our presence," Tenzou noted.

"We already are the bait."

"Then why are we hiding and dragging poor little genin into this?" Kakashi asked.

("You're younger than we are!"-Takara)

"So we get into huge fights and draw our target out somewhere isolated," Sasuke said. "Probably near our former lodgings, since we're not allowed there anyways."

"It's night time now," Kakashi noted. "The only teams that are moving are the stealth ones."

"So, who knows Katon?" Sasuke drew a circle in the dirt around the rough rectangle that represented the genin housing facility.

"Sasuke, you seriously aren't going to burn that down," Kakashi deadpanned.

"That's _exactly_ what we're doing."

"I'm not paying."

Sasuke paused. "You have a better plan?"

"We all work better during the daytime, right? I say we wait until the fifth or sixth day when there are fewer competitors left, and then go after our target. It's easier to flip the tables on him."

"Believe me, by now, he's already built several contingency plans, including one to fit your idea." Sasuke drew several arrows to various places on his dirt map. "If Anko were here, she'd be able to give a better estimate, but for now, these are his most likely traps."

Kakashi looked down. "They're almost perfect," he noted. "He's good."

"And he knows what's wrong with his own plans," Sasuke said. "If we chase him, he'll draw us into a trap. Therefore, we need to make him chase us."

"How do you know this stuff?" Umeki demanded. "This is jounin level! You said you were genin!"

"I never bothered to take the Chuunin Exams before, that's why," Sasuke yawned. "I was planning to go into the military police, but the Uchiha are drawing out of that and turning to specialize in secret, high-class missions."

"And you know this how?" Kakashi asked. "There was no news of it."

"I think you need to tan again," Sasuke deflected the issue. "You're getting paler."

"I thought you were segregating yourself from the clan," Kakashi continued. "How would you know this?"

"I heard two of my aunts talking about it when they were shopping for groceries," Sasuke blinked. "It's what I would do."

"I don't believe you."

"You don't have to. You just have to finish this mission."

"What if Orochimaru decides to attack us while we're unprepared in here?" Tenzou asked. There was a small pause.

"Thank you for your hospitality," Kakashi said, bowing. He could see his teammates do the same in his peripheral vision. And with a Shunshin, they were gone before the genin team could say anything.

"Damn, the map got erased," Umeki cursed. Miosuke stared at the spot the trio had occupied, having found his new role models. Takara sighed before moving on to do the many chores a genin team in hiding had to do to remain undetected.

"I'm setting up some traps," she warned.

XxXxX

"I can't believe we're heading for Konoha," Naruto mouthed to Sakura. Sai smiled and poked the fire. Tsunade was not far ahead of them, curled around her own fire.

"She's probably headed towards a gambling city of some kind," Sakura mused. "Probably Tanzaku-Gai."

"Tanzaku-Gai," Naruto murmured. "That's where Ero-Sennin and I found her the first time, you know."

"Which is to say, where is _he_? I heard he came back to Konoha after he found out that you, as his student, were from the future."

"Yeah, ero-sennin's probably doing that perverted research of his." Naruto shrugged. "At least a large percent of Konoha women are ninja. They'll be able to keep to their own."

"Do I even _want_ to know?" Sakura snarled. "Pervert."

"Probably not, since the dickless wonder is a dickless wonder," Sai smiled. He pulled out a book and began to read.

"'Self-Sacrifice for Dummies'?" Sakura read off the front cover, raising an eyebrow in ironic amusement. "'101 easy techniques. Not to be used by ninja.' Why are you still reading it, then?"

"I find this crassly humorous." Sai didn't even bother to look up. "It goes against all our teachings."

"I want to stop at Konoha to pick up our papers first," Sakura said, changing the subject. She took the stick from Sai and began poking the fire herself. Naruto took a seat across from her, settling into the loam of the woodland floor.

"I love being in a forest."

"Why do I get the feeling that there isn't much communication amongst us as a team?" Sai poked the fire. "I read somewhere that it's unhealthy for shinobi to have a bad team ethic."

"Maybe we've gone past the verbal communication," Naruto said.

"Dickless wonder."

"You could probably take down the Akatsuki with your insults," Sakura sighed, shaking her head. "It's late. Naruto has first watch, so wake me up for dog watch before you 'forget' like last time and end up waking Sai instead."

"I like dawn watch," Sai murmured. He simply went limp.

"I think he's asleep," Sakura whispered after he hadn't moved for several minutes. "That doesn't look very comfortable."

"Me too," Naruto whispered back. "Sweet dreams. Until midnight, that is."

Sakura lay back and was out like a light.

XxXxX

"I love Konoha," Naruto said to the gate guards in way of greeting.

They nodded back. Sakura frowned, then did a double take. Yes, it was the two who had been at their first Chuunin Exams. The ones who had worked with Shikamaru and Asuma at the time of Asuma's ill-fated fight against the Akatsuki member Hidan. "You wouldn't happen to be Kotetsu and Izumo, would you?" she asked.

"We haven't met be-" Kotetsu protested before he was roughly shut up by Izumo's elbow somehow finding itself in his solar plexus. Sakura was impressed; she had barely seen him move. "Oh. You're _them_."

"We're not a disease, thank you very much," Sakura sniffed. "You two were proctors who administered an unofficial pre-test during our first Chuunin Exams as rookie genin."

"Rookies? You must have been good even then." Kotetsu smirked. "Oof! What was that for this time?!"

Izumo simply pointed to the _very_ long line of unhappy clients waiting behind them, sweatdropping.

"Oh. Well, see ya later. Drop by on your way out. As newly promoted Chuunin, we get gate duty-"

"-Every Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, evening shift," Sakura finished, rolling her eyes. "I know. See you."

They left behind a slightly awestruck pair of newly promoted chuunin behind them.

"I think I'm in love," Kotetsu said dazedly.

"That's what you say about every pretty girl who talks with you while you're on gate duty," Izumo retorted. "Now let's get this over with before I have to club you over the head to do so."

"Who were they?" a self-important-looking merchant dressed richly asked, not deigning to descend from his palanquin. Behind him, a daimyo nodded in haughty agreement.

"They are Team Seven," Izumo replied.

"They will become legends," Kotetsu agreed.

As impressed mutterings arose from the prospective clients, Izumo sent Kotetsu a message. _'Five hundred ryo and a bottle of sake they pull that off within the next ten years.'_

Kotetsu's reply came as they waved the merchant in. _'Five years.'_

Izumo nodded slightly as he scanned the daimyo's mission request and passport, since the man had come from Sunagakure to discuss peace. _'They had better reach Sannin status by then.'_

Kotetsu whistled as he considered what he and Izumo would do in five years with a bottle of sake and five hundred ryo, regardless of whether or not Team Seven actually became famous or even strong, if they were both still alive then. Their bets always ended like that.

The daimyo's guards glared and muttered about incompetency when Kotetsu fumbled and nearly dropped the heavy sheaf of paper Izumo had suddenly decided to hand him.

XxXxX

"Jii-san!" Naruto screamed.

"I'm awake!" Sarutobi said disgruntledly. "You don't need to shout like that. Why am I wet?"

"That was when we tried pouring a bucket of icy water on you to wake you up," Sai said, pointing to an apparatus securely rigged to the ceiling. "Obviously, it failed."

"Where are our papers?" Naruto was as blunt as ever.

"Social skills," Sarutobi scolded. "And they were on my desk. Along with the rest of the now-ruined paperwork. I'm afraid that you will simply have to wait for me to redo it."

"We figured," Sakura grumbled. She pulled out a small sheaf of papers and a pen and handed both items to him. "Start working. You're not going anywhere until you finish."

Feeling very much the cuckolded 'husband', Sarutobi went to work as his subordinates began loudly discussing the advantages and drawbacks of ramen.

'_What happened to the sweet, innocent kids I knew?'_

They had vanished into the mists of time when they were supplanted by their older selves, of course.

XxXxX

Somewhere in Kirigakure, Sasuke sneezed. He blamed the damn mist and tried again to get that mist to PICK ITSELF UP AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HIS WAY.

Of course, his water manipulation training was a failure, so he settled for a few sad, lonely, hacking coughs.

Kakashi, who was playing with a rope of chakra-manipulated water, looked at him pityingly, and Tenzou, who was encouraging the mold to send out spores and reproduce with more water elemental manipulation, quickly shielded the demi-plants from harm.

Somehow, that did not make Sasuke feel better. He returned to his training.

XxXxX

Ichi-san nodded to the Anbu waiting with his team. "We'll be leaving now," he informed the black-haired, fairly androgynous individual.

The man merely nodded before indulging in a quiet hack. "We will escort you to the border."

A moment later, there was not even a leaf out of place to suggest that eight shinobi had once rested there.

XxXxX

"Okay," the unnamed chuunin said, handing them their newly rewritten and notarized papers. "By express wishes of the Hokage. He also wishes you three to hurry up. If you do not finish this by the time the genin who went to the Chuunin Exams come back, you are to give up the chase."

"Okay," Naruto said.

"Please inform him we're heading to the Wind Country. We should be at Sunagakure in three or four days, depending on conditions, so please inform them so we won't get marked as spies."

"Of course." The Chuunin waved them off.

"I really hope he sends that hawk," Naruto muttered under his breath as they left. "If he doesn't, I will personally _kill_ him."

The chuunin, who had 'somehow' managed to overhear, gulped and began writing the requested missive. He'd ask the aviary to deliver it at first chance.

XxXxX

Sakura and Naruto found themselves in Suna. The Oinin had long since abandoned the chase to inform the Mizukage of the events.

"Why don't we visit Gaara?" Naruto suggested after the gate guards had waved them in, with severely distrusting faces and, oddly enough, masked hope. Were they having Gaara problems already? He couldn't remember. "Just so we won't have to deal with him later?"

Sakura suspected that he preferred to help Gaara 'deal' with his issues, not neutralize him.

"I don't see why not," Sai smiled. "His uncle Yashamaru is, as of this month, still alive."

"There are only two more days left this month," Sakura pointed out.

"And?"

"Doesn't-oh. Never mind, then."

"Exactly." Sai smiled serenely.

"So, where do we start looking?" Sakura asked. "Naruto?"

"He said he liked playing around a lot. He lived with his uncle, Yasha-something or other. I think he was a jounin," Naruto said, scratching his head. "Dammit, I don't really remember. Gaara doesn't like talking about it all that much."

"It can't be that hard," Sai said, gazing at the city hidden within a mesa canyon.

"Unless we get lost," Naruto pointed out. "The streets here are really windy. Does anyone remember the way?"

"Considering how many of the buildings appear to have been carved out of the natural sandstone, there have to be multiple routes," Sakura pointed out. All we have to do is get our general direction. And position."

A bandaged Suna jounin walked by, muttering something disparaging about Iwa nin.

"Umm, just because Konoha didn't go to war doesn't mean none of the other nations went to war, does it?" Naruto asked ruefully.

The three of them paused as they realized their time frame.

"Oh, shit."

Right now, they were in one of the bloodiest wars in history, the Iwa-Suna conflict.

"We are _so_ screwed."

XxXxX

The Mizukage frowned as he read Hoshigaki Akira's report. Had the gate guards really believed the terrible lie of finding a specialist medic for one of the genin? One who was only suffering from the high water content in the air?

The entire idea was preposterous. Those guards would be demoted first thing in the morning. He picked up a form and began filling it out.

Still, if the infamous Orochimaru were around, Konoha would be welcome in expending its own troops. Kirigakure no Sato would wait, and rebuild.

XxXxX

Sooo…. Questions, comments, concerns, insults, or accusations?

Technicalities: when referring to a war in American, the name of the losing country always goes first. So guess who lost the Iwa-Suna 'conflict'. Also, 'conflict' is merely semantics. It's like the Americans in Vietnam in the 1960s and 1970s. No one declared war, but they're still shooting the crap out of each other and committing peace talks (and atrocities).

And I will not have Naruto say 'Dattebayo' at the end of each sentence because…I've forgotten? And I read the manga scanlations. Nowhere does he say 'dattebayo', sadly enough. I don't know if that's just to save space for the rest of the words, but I'm following the scanlations. And saying 'believe it' is even worse. Don't ask. (grrr…)

Next chapters will have more Naruto. Right now, I need to finish the Exams so I can forward the plot. And in case you haven't guessed, this story is already AU. THERE WILL BE NO PAIRINGS! (as of yet) People will be OOC, but not in an OOC way. There will be method to the madness. Kinda.

At least review, dammit! TT.TT. No more Omake until you guys review! I know you can!

Arigatou gozaimasu to the few who did review. Starting next chapter, I'll post your names up.

By the way, who else thinks Tobi was originally the name of Madara's younger brother?

XxXxX

Name Guide (Since there's too many OC's now):

Umeki, Miosuke, Takara- random genin team.

Kazesaki Seikei- Kakashi, Tenzou, Sasuke's temporary jounin-sensei and part of Root.

Tsuna Kazuki- Kakashi

Uchiha Sachie- Sasuke

Uchiha Haruhi, Tensa (male), Madoka, Saya- random Uchiha.

Hoshigaki Akira- Jounin, proctor of first part of Chuunin Exams, Kisame's aunt

All my OC's will eventually die off. Well, if not all, then most. I usually take a dim view of OC's, but I normally also have a large base of canon characters to work with. Now, not so much. Everyone's either not fit or not yet in existence. x.x"

XxXxX

Dictionary:

NOTE: Japanese does not have plurals. Like most other Asian languages. Therefore, anything in Japanese that is singular can also be plural. (ie. Plural of 'gaki' is 'gaki')

Gaki- brat

Tanto- long, guardless knife. In Kakashi's case, the thing he uses to channel his white chakra.

Itai- an exclamation of pain. A lot like ow/ouch/it hurts.

Tensai- child prodigy/boy genius

Jii-san- colloquial (vernacular) for 'Grandfather'. Translated as 'Old Man' by the official idiots.


	8. Chapter 8

2stupid: So, yeah.

Tensa-chan: This is us trying to be deep and meaningful.

2stupid: Please tell us how we did.

Tensa-chan: Yes, please. Oh, we're out of class now, aren't we?

2stupid: Ummm, yes. What are you planning now?

Tensa-chan: In yo' face! IT IS UNFAIR THAT THINGS LIKE TO CHANGE!

2stupid: Oh, you finally decided to say all five prohibited words.

Tensa-chan: FAIL ME, censored!

2stupid: Names have been censored to protect the innocent- NO, DON'T FAIL US! WE EVEN WENT TO THE POWWOW! I'M SORRY YOUR WIFE IS A HOPI!

Tensa-chan: What does that have to do with anything? Hmmm?

2stupid: Dunno.

Tensa-chan: And that was how our days went. Now READ.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, there would be more Sasuwhumping. Because we all love to beat the crap out of our (second) favorite Uchiha.

XxXxX

Chapter 8: Keep Running

XxXxX

_((Flashback)) _

"_So we should all pretend to be less mature than we normally are so people underestimate us!" Naruto cheered. "So Sasuke, tell people you're a nukenin. Sakura, act like you still need Tsunade-baa-chan's help to heal. Sai, just act like yourself. I'm going to pretend to be an idiot." _

"_And won't I end up getting executed for being a nukenin?" Sasuke pointed out, tossing a kunai in the air and catching it with ease. _

"_Not if you manage to prove to them that you're now still loyal," Naruto said. "Tell them that it was the killing off everyone in the clan that got to you in the first place." _

_Sasuke nodded. "That corroborates with what Itachi transferred to me. I'll say something about how knowing that I have living relatives has helped my mental state and that as long as there is an Uchiha loyal to Konoha, I will be to." _

"_What? When?" Naruto stored away Sasuke's explanation subconsciously since he was still trying to process what his teammate had said earlier. Deep in his cage, the Kyuubi chuckled. _

_Sasuke eyed the kunai, which had now (accidentally) embedded itself in the ceiling. "Some time during our fight. The same way his Mangekyou did." _

"_Is that what happened to your eyes?" Sakura asked. "Try activating them." _

_Sasuke shook his head. "Later," he muttered. "When we're not under surveillance." _

"_Can they still see us?" Sakura frowned. They had taken all the prerequisite precautions. _

"_They can if there's a Hyuuga. That's why we're sitting like this, so they can't read our lips, no matter which spot they're in," Naruto pointed out cheerfully, his mouth not quite moving in synch with his words- to further confuse their guards, she guessed. Sakura looked at her teammates' odd poses and sweatdropped. _

"_I guess." _

_((End Flashback)) _

"Good times, good times," Naruto sighed, carefully rigging up a few traps around every aperture. No Iwa nin would catch _them_ off guard. Not without anything less than a Gaara-style doton. But then, Gaara had admitted that it took the strength of a Jinchuuriki to do such, and even then, Shukaku's sand specialty had helped.

Now all that remained was to see whether or not the Iwa nin had a Jinchuuriki, and whether the Jinchuuriki, if it existed, would assent to forming a coalition against the Akatsuki.

It was always good to have backup, of course.

XxXxX

"Sachie?" Kakashi asked quietly.

"What?"

"The report said you had a curse seal. You even admitted to it and the medics verified it. But it's not there anymore."

"_What?!_"

Tenzou handed Sasuke a mirror, not looking up from where he was thoughtfully chewing on his energy bar. Sasuke dragged down his shirt collar and looked. The skin at the juncture of his neck and his left shoulder was flawless.

"It's gone," he whispered breathlessly. "It must have been _his_ doing."

"Whose?"

"Mind your own business," Sasuke hissed.

"This is now Konoha business," Kakashi reminded him. "You are not the only one with a curse seal, you know."

"The point is, _I don't know_. I got into a fight and now it's gone."

"That's it?" Kakashi asked, feeling disappointed. "I was hoping you'd know."

"I don't," Sasuke retorted irritably, an odd mixture of regret and relief settling in his stomach. "At least no one can say I'm Orochimaru's now."

"But there will be other questions," Tenzou pointed out.

"Tell us the name of the one you were fighting," Kakashi said. There was an edge of command in his tone.

Sasuke looked down at the mirror, seeing not his reflection but that of his brother. An odd mixture of anger and love joined the other two emotions. "He is of no concern. I doubt we will ever see him again."

"He's dead?"

"He might as well be." Kakashi made a mental note to find a list of those the Uchiha had destroyed over the years. The list would probably be long.

"Are you going to rebel against Konoha?"

"Why would I? I have family there. I won't kill off any of them." _'Like my brother'_ hung in the air between them, unuttered but obvious. In the background, Tenzou attempted to swallow the iron-hard lump before he broke a tooth and choked as the hard, dense material went down his windpipe by accident. "You're a different person from who you'll be in the future. Learn to relax a bit."

"I like myself the way I am, thank you very much. The fact that you gave me advice doesn't excuse the fact that you also changed the subject with all the finesse of a preadolescent on a sugar high."

"I have no social skills."

"You must have lived an isolated life." Kakashi winced as he remembered his own isolated childhood as a priviledged, orphaned tensai. "I can sympathize, though."

"Can you?" Sasuke turned. "There were Anbu trailing me from the day of the massacre. I don't think they were for my own well-being, though."

Kakashi winced. "How on earth did you find whether or not Anbu were tailing you?"

Sasuke shrugged. "I didn't know, at the time. I just happened to stumble across one of the reports they had left at a drop point once when I was eight. After that, I don't know anything."

"Sheer luck," Tenzou croaked, coughing up an iron-gray ball of 'mashed' nutrition bar. "What do they put in these things? Senpai?"

"My clan used its own recipes, so I don't think we particularly want to know," Sasuke muttered.

"That's good enough for me," Kakashi muttered, pulling out his own store of bars and throwing them into a random pond, where even the koi avoided them. "Give me your family recipe?"

"They involve ingredients for soldier pills," Sasuke said. "I think they have long-term side effects if you're not an Uchiha."

Tenzou's stash quickly went the same way as Kakashi's. Sasuke had brought none, having already figured that he could survive without them.

"Please refrain from littering," a familiar voice said as Hoshigaki Akira materialized from the mist around them. "Especially with that crap, as effective as it is on the battlefield."

"Will it kill the fish?" Tenzou asked, making no move to fish out the blocky, undissolved bars from where they rested.

"No, it'll just make them evolve into the newest members of the Hoshigaki clan," Akira said sarcastically.

"Ninja fish," Kakashi mused. "That sounds interesting."

"Don't even _think_ about it," Akira warned.

"Oh, so you summon them?"

"Don't you _dare_ give me that innocent look again, you idiot with old-man hair."

"It's silver, not gray."

Sasuke sneezed, noticing that he seemed to be sneezing less. '_Sakura was right. I'm adapting._' He hoped no one hostile heard his sneezes and carefully dropped behind, unnoticed as his teammates and the jounin walked off, arguing. He put his hands together in a seal Naruto was more familiar with. '_Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!'_ He watched his clone trail the group and slipped away.

'_I'm coming,_' he thought darkly. '_And you won't escape._'

He headed towards where he could _feel_ the Sannin's presence.

XxXxX

Naruto hummed quietly as he strung up a fine chain at approximately calf-height. The chain resembled any fine lady's ornament except for the long, poisoned spikes protruding from various links at regular intervals. Sakura and Sai already knew to step high to avoid the trap. He plastered an explosive seal to the door handle and carefully painted over the delicate marks on the paper so that he could detonate the lock should anyone attempt to use the lock to his detriment.

Hah! He stuck a sign saying 'Wet Paint; Do Not Touch' next to the handle as someone knocked on the door.

"Who is it?"

"Your teammate!" an unnaturally high pitched voice called out as Sakura knocked on the window, making furious signs in Anbu code (also used by medics) as she fiddled with the lock.

Naruto squeaked and ran forward to pull off the explosive, lethal trap he had rigged and let her in.

"How'd he piss you off this time?" he asked.

Sakura shook her head. "Wasn't me," she said. "Some idiot of a Suna nin wanted to test our skills. She has a nasty kick, by the way."

"Did you heal him?"

"He said he'd be alright." Sakura opened the door. "Oh, hello. You look abnormally pale." Sai wobbled in, heading for the shower.

"Don't use up all the cold water!" Naruto called back. "It's too hot otherwise!"

"Go wash in the toilet!" came the strained reply. Naruto turned to Sakura.

"Do you think there's any permanent damage?"

XxXxX

Up in the treetops, 'Tobi the Good Boy' hummed quietly as he ignored the death glares the Iwa scouts were sending him. Under his elaborate genjutsu, Madara smirked as he analyzed the strength of the encampment. No one, not even the resident genjutsu specialists, noticed that he was anything more than the cheerful, naïve little civilian he was pretending to be.

He stretched and got to work.

Tobi whistled annoyingly loudly as the guards appeared from the brush and chaparral, kunai at the ready.

"Wow! Ninja!" Tobi chirped happily.

"What are you doing here, kid?" the older one asked gruffly.

"I wanna see the ninja!"

'_He's an idiot,_' the other one signed. '_He's no problem._' Of course, Madara wasn't that much of an idiot to allow them to find even the least of his numerous hidden weapons. The older one nodded.

"And you will forget my existence!" Tobi wandered off humming. In his wake, a pair of guards moved back to their positions and prepared to ambush the next traveler on the road.

"Damn, the birds are loud today," one of them said.

"I can feel my ears ringing," the other one agreed. "When's anyone ever going to come up this stupid road?"

Madara dropped his disguise and shot off with all the stealth and speed of an S-ranked Hokage-level shinobi.

After all, no one had noticed when he had spied on Orochimaru while the ex-Akatsuki had fiddled with sound-based genjutsu.

Storing his memories firmly in their requisite association areas (in the brain) where they wouldn't distract him, he set off on his true mission.

Finding someone to replace his annoying descendant. Because as annoying as Itachi was, he still owed the kid for allowing him to take revenge on the Uchiha by killing most of them and on the village by weakening the Uchiha and raising hard questions.

He would have to be careful in selecting the newest member. A swirly-eyed, demonic-looking bird summon of some kind flew next to him. "Yes?"

"There is one."

"Oh?" He was rapidly nearing the encampment, and he whipped out an Akatsuki cloak and hat.

"He blows things up using clay bombs he calls art. We'll pair him up with Sasori and you with Kisame."

"Zetsu will be curious." Madara easily bypassed the outer layer of traps meant to deter low-level (civilian) intruders nonlethally. After all, there was no good to be gained from killing potential employers. "He already knows me, of course."

"To what extent?"

"Tobi is a good boy." Madara smirked mentally as the albatross twitched at his affected teenaged, whiny accent.

"Don't give us that crap." The summon dropped behind and poofed into smoke. In a distant, hidden room, a similarly swirly-eyed shinobi with long, pale hair in a high ponytail and a slashed Ame hitai-ate looked up.

XxXxX

Naruto blinked as people ran around him in an orderly panic. Nearby, two people nearly collided, preferring to slam themselves into a niche rather than impede the flow of traffic.

Wow. Iwagakure must be invading soon. There was a minor exodus of civilians toward desert caves, but most people in this city were shinobi.

He made his way slowly through the city, taking in the unfamiliar sights around him until he came to a stop in front of a large house built of the same sandstone as the rest of the desert and city. By now, the streets were deserted as people took the preparations into their own homes.

Naruto paused as he watched a miniaturized, younger version of Gaara wander by, holding a paper bag and looking hopeful. This version did not have the kanji 'ai' scarred onto his forehead.

"Hello!" he introduced himself cheerfully. Hopefully, Gaara wouldn't be minded to use his sand on Naruto. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto! What's your name?"

"Me?" the kid squeaked, looking around in a panic.

"Of course you!" Naruto said cheerfully. "Who else would I be talking to?" His years as an idiot were finally coming handy.

"Um, I'm Gaara," Gaara replied, eyeing the cheerful ninja in front of him warily. "Why are you talking to me?"

"Because you're not alone!" Naruto whispered dramatically, using the moonlight and harsh, forbidding desert landscape to his advantage.

"I'm not?" Gaara asked. Just who was this odd stranger?

"There are others just like you," Naruto murmured earnestly, hoping that no one was spying on them. "We stick together, you know."

"Wait," Gaara said. "Who? What? Are you even telling the truth?"

"We are the Jinchuuriki, Sabaku no Gaara," Naruto shot back. "You of the Ichibi no Shukaku, and I of the Kyuubi no Kitsune. _We have demons inside of us._"

"You know about the Shukaku?" Gaara asked, even more confused.

Naruto winked and vanished. Gaara looked at the bag in his hands before returning to Yashamaru's place. '_If you're playing with me, mother, I swear I will not stop until I have purged every last bit of you from my mind._' Still, the Jinchuuriki incident had given him pause. He remembered the swirly leaf-like symbol of the other's hitai-ate.

He was going to do some research tomorrow.

XxXxX

Deidara whistled cheerfully as he wandered off into the woods, the dead bodies of his former teammates and sentries cooling in pools of their own blood behind him.

It really was too bad they found out that his 'secret missions' weren't for the village. Still, he was fine as long as he got to use his art.

A few minutes later, Madara stumbled on the grisly scene. Without batting an eyelash, he turned and hurried after the faint, decaying trail of his target. The Iwa offensive would be delayed by this incident, but that was unimportant. Soon, the petty vagrancies and power fights would be abolished by a new power. His power.

Deidara was heading to Konoha.

XxXxX

Sakura frowned as she examined a scalpel for rust. Naruto and Gaara had already headed off to stall the Iwa offensive at the border, dividing their team despite their protests to the contrary. She was beginning to see why Gaara had disliked his father. Beside her, the old lady Chiyo hummed softly as she fiddled with the poisoned blades on her puppets.

"This will be my last war," she announced suddenly. "I'm getting too old for this." Her fingers twitched, and a pair of puppets Sakura recognized began dancing together. "Who will the war take this time, miss field medic?"

"Not you," Sakura muttered, hands twitching toward her gloves.

"I'm just glad you and your friend over there are helping us with the war, dearie," Chiyo said. "I'm glad Konoha is still upholding the treaty."

"Chiyo-sama!" a young man wearing the Suna version of the chuunin vest called, running up. "This is urgent!"

"Did Sasori come back?" Chiyo asked irritably.

"No, but-"

"Then it can wait. Go find a replacement for me or something. I refuse to contribute to meetings where people don't listen to my ideas."

"But-!" A puppet head buried its blade a scant inch from his face. Sakura recognized the puppet as one similar to what Kankuro would eventually use.

"No!"

As the messenger ran off, Chiyo turned back to her erstwhile partner. "So your third guy's going to back Gaara? Is he a master at sealing or something?"

"Kinda," Sakura murmured, rolling up her medical field kit. "He's the nicest person I know. If anyone can change Gaara's ways, he can."

"How sweet," Chiyo murmured. "Did you know I sealed the Shukaku inside Gaara? I still wonder if I made a mistake that day."

"He will grow up to become a wonderful leader, I'm sure of it," Sakura promised. "Do you know where the greenhouses are?"

"If you're truly one of those from the future, then perhaps you are correct," Chiyo said, stretching out her spine with several alarming _crack_s. "Would you know the way to the greenhouses as well?"

Sakura blushed slightly and headed toward where she remembered the greenhouses to be.

XxXxX

Sai plastered an eerie smile on his face as he walked out of the village. No one noticed him leave.

XxXxX

Deidara looked at the contract he had been given. '_Blow up the Central Administration Building at Amegakure, hmmm? Sounds like fun. I can always blow up Konoha later._' He, like so many others before him and so many others after him, did not notice the crow-like summon watching him from afar.

With a derisive caw, it flapped off. On the blond's other side, Madara watched the man take the bait.

Whatever deities out there help the poor nukenin. Deidara shrugged off a shiver before heading to Amegakure. Itachi, who lay beside Madara, breathed an almost inaudible sigh of relief.

"You have your orders, Itachi-kun."

"Hai, Madara-sama." As Itachi disappeared through the trees, the crow summon landed beside Madara.

"We should have let him bomb Konoha first."

"But then he'd be hunted by their Anbu. We'd never be able to stay hidden."

"They already know. Itachi's a plant; I truly expected better from my descendant."

The crow summon gave a derisive caw and flew off.

XxXxX

Gaara felt his 'mother' stir with excitement inside of him. '_War._'

Yes, war. Currently, he and Yashamaru were part of a vanguard meant to stall the Iwa nin as long as possible at the short, well-guarded, but unstable Iwa-Suna border until reinforcements and the main force could arrive. There were already scouts hindering Iwa's progress.

"I don't like this," a jounin muttered. "This is too close to the Rice Country for my liking, even if they are neutrals without a village of their own."

"Let us only hope this isn't part of a larger trap," Yashamaru replied. "Baki-san, how much farther?"

Baki scanned the scrubby landscape. "Judging by the rate the landscape is shifting, I'd say another day, day and a half. We'll stay close to the desert so Gaara-sama's ability can come into play."

Gaara remembered the other Jinchuuriki from the night before. In his mind, 'mother' only grumbled irritably; Shukaku, like all the other bijuu, had at least a vague realization of the Kyuubi's time travel. (Sanbi was still enjoying a good laugh over the Kyuubi's mortification.)

At the back of the column, the Kyuubi no Kitsune shifted uneasily in its Jinchuuriki, for once in its life worried over outcomes. Naruto felt the unusual ripples in the youma's chakra and himself shifted unhappily.

What on earth had they unleashed when they dropped out of time?

XxXxX

Naruto hummed cheerily as he wandered through the desert town. Someone who was not Sakura or Sai called his name.

"Gaara-kun!" he waved back. Said child was threading his way through the busy streets. "What are you doing here?"

"We're going to prepare for the Iwa offensive," the older blond man accompanying Gaara said, bowing slightly. "You may call me Yashamaru."

"He's my guardian. He's a really nice guy," Gaara spoke up. Naruto smiled his foxy smile, ignoring the painful twisting of his heart that told him that Yashamaru would someday betray Gaara.

"I'm just like Gaara," Naruto admitted so the harried jounin would stop trying to tug Gaara away. "But I just heal really fast."

Yashamaru flinched before smiling serenely. "I see. Well, I hope you can be a good influence on Gaara-kun here." '_And maybe you can show him how to control his inner demons, so I don't feel like my sister's death was in vain._'

"Hey, want to go to a restaurant?" Naruto chirped. "My treat. We can talk there."

Yashamaru followed as the two jinchuuriki ahead of him exchanged pleasantries and was pleasantly surprised to see that they were headed towards a clean, well-managed restaurant. He remembered how he and his sister would do the same thing if they happened to return from a mission on the same day.

He was so lost in thought that he barely noticed ordering something that he didn't appear allergic to. His mind was wrenched back to reality abruptly when the blond Jinchuuriki mentioned 'love'.

"-so basically, you should try to love the people you were created to protect, even if you don't love them back," Naruto said cheerfully. "Shinobi are the few sacrificed so the many can live happy lives, and we are the few who are sacrifices so shinobi don't go insane. It's a hard job, but the fact that we were chosen meant that people have put their trust in us."

"Like when Yashamaru-san or the sand protects me?"

"Close enough," Naruto grinned. "Just remember, you're the jailer to the Shukaku, not the Shukaku itself. _That_ is dangerous, but you should use its power to protect your precious ones."

"Like Yashamaru," Gaara said, a determined look blazing in his eyes. "I'm going to protect him!"

"_I'm going to protect him!_" Yashamaru remembered a different time when a different ninja had said the same. The more he looked, the more Gaara resembled his sister. Perhaps the boy wasn't so bad after all.

Naruto's chuckle brought him out of his reverie as the waitress served their food. Yashamaru picked at his food, careful of poison, as he considered his contradictory feelings.

XxXxX

Author's Rant:

Yes! Another chapter! It's shorter, though, since I had to move four pages to the middle of the next chapter because they were anachronistic. This one written when I was supposed to be studying for finals, so you better review! The policy of five reviews turns into an omake still exists. You should be able to review anonymously, those of you who are currently unable or unwilling to log on.

Oh, and a flame counts as a negative review. So, in your fellow readers' interests, don't flame. Especially with bad spelling and grammar (coughcough); that only makes you look like a maladaptive ignoramus. SO DON'T FLAME!

And for all you crazy math whizzes out there, for a homogeneous differential equation, yvx! (For those of you who aren't, like me, don't ask. It's long, hard, and confusing and will only make your brain explode.)

And… YASHAMARU WILL DIE!

XxXxX

Reviewers:

show.me.the.stars, Theblackroseofkonoha, Gravenimage, mythbuster, Everlasting Bliss, justbehappydammit, Amberfox and Lyell

Thank you.

XxXxX

Dictionary:

Doton- earth type

Kage Bunshin- Shadow Clone or etc. If you're a proper Narutard, you should already know this.

Youma- lit. 'Demonic monster.' It is canon. Used once.

Mokuton- wood type. Semi-kekkai genkai, specialty of Shodai Hokage-sama, aka. Senju Hashirama (Does anyone else get a good laugh out of his name?)

Katon: Gokakyuu no Jutsu- Fire Type: Great Fireball Technique. Supposedly an Uchiha specialty.

Shikotsumyaku- Corpse Bone Pulse. Kekkai Genkai of the Kaguya clan.

XxXxX

Omake!

Itachi read the terms of the proposed treaty. This version was very different from the one he had memorized back in his (few) Academy days. "No one in their right minds would sign this," he announced.

"I like it, though," Hashirama grumbled.

"It looks like a _six year old_ wrote it."

There was a soft cough from a child standing beside the door.

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Shut it, Uchiha." At that moment, explosions rocked the room. The six year old ran off, pulling out a kunai. "We'll talk about this later."

"Screw the war," Itachi muttered. "I'm coming."

"What if it's your clansmen?"

"If it were the Uchiha, they wouldn't bother blowing anything up. They'd simply set the compound on fire and smoke you out."

Wisps of smoke drifted into the room. Itachi paused. "I rest my case."

"Die!" a man horribly disfigured by the bones sticking out of random places in his body screamed, running by. "Senju Hashirama! Come out and fight the Kaguya Clan!"

"He didn't even notice us," Hashirama deadpanned. He ran after the man, already forming seals for his mokuton jutsu. "I'm over here, you idiot! Stop going after my men!"

The Kaguya turned and was immediately skewered on a tree branch. The smoke cleared to reveal the rest of the clan converging upon them.

"This is definitely bad timing," Itachi muttered as he and Hashirama were surrounded. "Why am I included?"

The Kaguya paused. "No clue," one woman whooped. "Die anyways!"

"Katon: Gokakyuu no Jutsu!"

"An Uchiha!" a Kaguya screamed, his red facial tattoos standing out in the soot- and blood-smeared mess of his face.

"Screw that shit!" someone else screamed. "Attack!" No one moved.

"Am I really that scary?" Itachi whispered to Hashirama.

"Maybe it's me," Hashirama half-joked. He made a hand sign and wood ripped out of the ground and into the Kaguya's ranks. "This has to be the worst attack by an organized clan I've ever met, though."

"If it's any consolation, they'll become part of a village, attempt a coup, and be wiped out," Itachi said, wondering how he was going to defend himself with no weapons and low chakra.

"That's it! Retreat!" someone bellowed.

"Hell no! We can still fight!"

"Then _why the hell aren't you the fuck attacking?!_"

"It's an Uchiha and _the_ Senju Hashirama! I don't wanna die!"

"If I don't find a Kaguya in this compound in five minutes, I'll pretend like this never happened," Hashirama announced.

"You're lying, right?" Itachi stared incredulously, as did everyone else in earshot.

"Of course," Hashirama deadpanned. No one else really knew what to say after that.

And that was how the Kaguya Clan lost most of their most talented members and most of its ability with the Shikotsumyaku. After that, the Kaguya ceased becoming a 'Clan' (a major power and recognized as one of the driving forces in any battle) and became a 'clan' (a group of people sharing a single bloodline).

"I still think we should have destroyed them all," Hashirama muttered, reviewing the list of casualties and damages. "Next thing you know, all the other clans are going to attack, expecting to be let off easy as well."

Itachi coughed slightly in amusement.

"We're going to head off to the Wind Country for an offensive against the Whirlpool Country next. We still have to figure out what to do with you, Uchiha. I can't drag you around forever."

"Pretend I don't exist," Itachi suggested.

"Are you an idiot?" came the reply.

"Why don't you just sign an armistice or something?" Itachi grumbled.

"With the Uchiha?"

Itachi snapped. "JUST GO AND OFFER A FRICKIN' PEACE OFFER THEY DON'T HAVE TO ACCEPT BUT THEY WILL SO WE CAN GET HISTORY MOVING AND I CAN GET BORN I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CLAN IDIOSYNCRACIES JUST DO IT!"

Hashirama pulled out a sheet and wrote a note. "Is this good enough?"

'We offer a truce. No fighting between our clans.' – Senju Hashirama.

Itachi nodded stiffly. "They'll accept."

A week later, the acceptance arrived. "Maybe you are from the future," Hashirama muttered. "I never thought they'd accept it. No one did."

Itachi sweatdropped. "I thought that we already established my credentials?"

"It doesn't really matter as long as you can predict Uchiha's responses, so in the words of the Kaguya, let's just 'screw that shit'."

Itachi's sweatdrop grew monumentally.


	9. Chapter 9

2stupid:

2stupid: Hehehe… Super Fast Update no Jutsu!

Tensa-chan: … failure

2stupid:…

Tensa-chan: Read and review, folks! Remember, five reviews equals omake!

2stupid: Even just dropping by a review saying 'I read this' is good. We want feedback to make our story better, you know.

Tensa-chan: A flame equals a negative review, though. Not only is it useless, it negates someone else's perfectly lovely review. Flame and we will get the U.S. Government to hack you and sue for libel.

2stupid: sweatdrops She really will, too.

Tensa-chan: So be a good reader and R&R!

Disclaimer: I am God. Therefore, I technically own Naruto. Don't get your hopes up, though.

Warning: GLOBAL WARMING IS KILLING THE PLANET. THE SAME WILL HAPPEN TO THIS STORY IF YOU FLAME.

XxXxX

Chapter 9:

XxXxX

"You're really high-maintenance, you know that?" Kakashi grumbled as he watched his erstwhile teammate bind up the snake-summoning tattoo on his forearm. "First there was that incident in the woods, then you have issues with the climate- you're a shinobi, for heaven's sake!"

"Hn."

"Are you paying attention?"

Sasuke felt like blaming Naruto for making him be weaker than he seemed, but the climate issue was entirely his fault. As was his decision to mess up his own lung tissue, which didn't make it hurt any less, of course. He supposed he was lucky Sakura had been headed in the same direction, or he probably would have been forced to deal with the injury on his own.

"If you're paying attention, say your name."

"Your name." Sasuke added in a few last hacks for good measure. "I think my lung's acting up again," he lied smoothly.

"At least you seem to have adapted to the weather. It's one less thing we need to worry about." Kakashi was _not_ mollified.

"And in case you haven't noticed, the denseness of the mist is equivalent to my being blind; I can't see anything." As if he needed to see to be useful. His Sharingan, and even his vision, were only tools. He could discard them if necessary. (Not that he would, since that would be a waste of time and effort.)

"Aren't you supposed to be a prodigy?" Tenzou asked quietly, poking at a sprout and making it grow to several times its original size.

Sasuke snorted. "That was in the Academy."

"Why does it feel like you're hiding your true skills from us, then?" Kakashi snorted. "I doubt any Uchiha could be this weak, much less one with the Sharingan. Even Obito was better than you are, and he was a crybaby."

"I fail to see your point," Sasuke retorted coldly. "I was merely admitting to a disadvantage. Now shut up so we can figure out a plan."

"Don't we already have one?"

"He meant to refine it," Kakashi snapped.

By nightfall twenty minutes later, Team 'Seikei' was not a cohesive unit in any way, shape, or form. They had twenty four hours left.

XxXxX

Naruto hummed happily as he pushed Gaara on the swings.

"I don't want to kill anyone," the six-year-old jinchuuriki confided. "I just want to protect my precious people."

A passing shinobi waved absentmindedly, noticed just who was on a swing, did a double take, then shrugged. Naruto smiled. Gaara was closer to being accepted.

"Sometimes protecting your precious people means you have to kill someone," Naruto admitted. "Just remember, don't let your need to kill people get in the way of finding new precious people."

Gaara turned and looked at Naruto with serious eyes. "Okay," he promised.

Naruto smiled and ruffled Gaara's hair the next time the redhead swung by. "Of course, gaki."

Next stop: the border in question, thirty five miles north-northeast from their current location. Naruto mentally began tallying up everything he remembered about Iwa troops so he would be prepared.

XxXxX

Madara watched as Deidara walked into a temple. After this, he was going to take over one of the kage positions. Mizukage, perhaps?

After the recent uprisings, Kirigakure barely merited the power of one of the five major shinobi nations. Perhaps that was why they were hosting the Chuunin Exams- to attract clientele.

No matter.

XxXxX

Tsunade picked up Shizune and Tonton at Tanzaku-Gai before deciding where to go next.

"Tsunade-sama," the black-haired assistant protested. "Why don't you just go to Konoha?"

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "There's a reason why I avoid that place. Besides, the team went to Sunagakure. They've probably already been given overriding orders to help Suna."

"That merits nothing!" Shizune snapped. "Have you ever thought that perhaps there was a reason for your grandfather and granduncle to create the village?"

"Peace?" Tsunade snorted. "We already have that. Prosperity? The Senjuu are nothing but the shadow of their former selves. Even the Uchiha are stronger. The _damn_ Uchiha."

"Then at least see what it's like on a battlefield before you condemn those who have. I've heard the experience is enlightening."

Tsunade growled. "Fine. I'm going to the Suna-Iwa border, finding that Nawaki-clone, and beating the shit out of him."

Shizune nodded, knowing that was as close as Tsunade would ever get to changing her viewpoint. "I knew you'd come around."

XxXxX

Naruto growled softly as he nearly stepped on a cactus while trying to read the mission scroll Yashamaru had given him earlier. "Damn desert. Damn chaparral. Damn mission. What was Jii-san doing, giving us this stupid mission to aid Suna? They have to know I suck at spying! They probably just want to discredit Konoha! I wanna get baa-chan back to the village already, dammit!"

"We're there!" the cry echoed along the canyon as the shinobi gave the call. Naruto rounded a bend and stared at the small, seedy town.

The border town in question was a small collection of barely ten thousand people, most of whom were transients headed off. Although in the desert, as the junction, checkpoint, and shortest route to any of three countries, Hyakutake remained busy despite the threat. The civilians knew they wouldn't get killed or ambushed if they were careful. Any mistake on the parts of the shinobi could result in anything from a boycott to the hiring of a different village, and no one liked to lose his or her source of money.

So Naruto ducked into a darkened alley, hid behind a trash can, took off his armored mesh shirt, pulled on an eye-watering orange one, pulled off his bandages, and hid his hitai-ate somewhere only the most ingenious or perverted shinobi would look. It was a pity he no longer bothered much with henge, but if there were high-level shinobi around, they could probably find it.

"Screw that shit," he muttered under his breath, zipping up the hidden inner pocket of his jacket where he had just stuffed most of his shinobi supplies. He shoved that into his backpack and pasted a fake bandage over his left cheek to hide the fact that he had symmetric whisker marks.

There! Civilian!Naruto was complete! Naruto whistled as he walked back out of the alley and went to find Gaara. There was no reason why he had to risk his ass for a rival village that didn't trust him enough to send him on missions he was actually useful in.

He found Gaara sitting with his mentor and two people he vaguely recognized as Kankuro and Temari- did Kankuro always have that terrible shade of hair? No wonder he wore that cat hat- in the shade of one of the more permanent-looking establishments. All four were poking listlessly at their food. Naruto had to admit that it did smell incredibly unappetizing.

Kankuro growled, threw away his meal, and reached for a rations bar instead as Naruto decided to introduce himself.

"Gaara-kun!"

"Gaaah!"

"My eye!" Everybody froze for a split second before Gaara's sand went on the offensive and threw them down the street.

"I'm sorry, dearest younger brother!" Kankuro wailed.

"It's okay now," Gaara squeaked, poking his new black eye. "Why didn't the sand stop it?"

"It probably recognized it as food," Temari joked nervously. "Come on, Gaara. Eat up."

Naruto interrupted the tense scene by laughing his ass off as Temari, Kankuro, and Yashamaru stared at him in awe and Gaara looked caught between murderous bloodlust and humor.

All in all, he decided, it wasn't a bad reintroduction to the 'Sand Siblings,' as they would later be called. Better that than from opposite sides in a war, at least.

Over ration bars, they discussed the feasibility of an Iwa attack in the next week.

"I say not for at least seven days," Kankuro argued. "Our last reports place them setting up a camp at least sixty miles from the Iwa-Ame border and only another ninety from ours. Amegakure's not happy, but Salamander Hanzo's promised that he won't interfere if they don't."

"They will, though," Yashamaru said confidently. "They've been doing crap like that forever. The Ame nin will probably split over this war, you know. I say four to five. Sixty miles isn't all that far; only about half a day's travel even at a conservative pace for jounin."

"I heard they're going to pursue an isolationistic policy this time, though," Temari argued. "That will slow them down because their fastest route to our border goes through Amegakure. Or at least near the outskirts. They'll have a fight if they try that. I say a ten days."

Naruto wished Shikamaru were here. He'd probably know. Gaara coughed on a ration bar and spoke. "Seven. Even if Iwa slows down to avoid confronting Hanzo, they'll try to do a lightning strike to catch us by surprise. They wouldn't take too long."

"At least we know we have at least four or five days before they invade," Naruto said brightly as everyone else considered Gaara's reasoning. _'No wonder he made Kazekage so fast. In addition to Shukaku, he's got an incredible tactical mind. Me, not so much.'_

"Four to seven days it is," Yashamaru spoke up. "Who wants to start a betting pool?"

XxXxX

Sai looked at the moon. '_It's going down fast. Dawn will be in an hour or less._' He sped up. His destination was only a few more hours' travel at best. He adjusted his trajectory by a few degrees.

XxXxX

Naruto walked to the outskirts of Hyakutake when he recognized a familiar chakra signature heading his way.

"Sai?"

"Hey, dickless wonder!"

"Don't call me that!" Everyone in earshot sweatdropped.

"Riiiiight. Anyways, baa-chan wanted me to give this to you." Sai pulled out a scroll.

"Wha-?" _Whap!_ Naruto yelped and rubbed his newly bruised spot as he picked the scroll up; Sai had thrown it at him to shut him up. "Hey!"

Sai dragged Naruto off. "Your insane redheaded counterpart misses you, you know. You left without saying goodbye. I read that that isn't good for friendships."

"I've been gone for an hour and a half!" Naruto complained, outraged. "Do you have word on when Iwa'll attack or on Tsunade-baa-chan?"

Sai nodded. "Tsunade sent word she's going to return to Konoha, 'just to try it out', as she wrote. Iwa, not so much. They've disappeared off our radar. Other than us, Konoha's staying out of the conflict, as well. No one wants another Great Ninja War." Sai leaned in. "If I remember, though, this war should be over pretty quickly. Jiraiya-sama also sent word that Kumogakure's got a Jinchuuriki as well. Nii Yugito of the Nibi. Apparently, she's just made jounin, and she's got an impressive track record. She shouldn't be in this war, but Kumogakure got interested. They also have the Hachimata, remember?"

Naruto nodded. "Why do they have two?" he wondered.

"I think one of the bijuu just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, actually," Sai murmured. "No one really knows. But that's just a warning. Oh, and Sakura's coming with the rest of the Suna forces, but I left early."

"Aren't you going to get court-marshaled?" Naruto asked.

Sai shrugged. "Sandaime-sama sent another letter to the Kazekage stating that I should give you the news. The Kazekage wasn't too happy, but then, he didn't know what my news was, anyways. If you'll excuse me, I'll do some scouting. Oh, and you do realize we're not supposed to use Konoha-specific jutsu? Nothing to incriminate the village?"

Naruto watched his teammate walk off before realizing he looked both conspicuous and ridiculous standing in the middle of the street. "Of course," he scoffed. "I'm not _that_ stupid."

He probably needed to have another talk with Gaara about bonds, anyways. And to see if the Jinchuuriki let out his inner demon if he were knocked out.

XxXxX

"Psst!" Sasuke went on alert from where he was guarding his temporary team's makeshift camp, hand automatically curling around a kunai.

"What?" he didn't bother moving in any way, shape, or form.

"It's me. Madara." Sasuke bolted up- and slammed his head into a masked face. He clutched the back of his head as Madara clutched the remains of his mask. They both sat down.

"What do you want?"

"Get the hell out of here," the older Uchiha ordered. "I'm going to become the next Mizukage. Wake your teammates up and tell them you got wind of a conspiracy from a group of passing jounin. I'll give you twenty-four hours. Don't worry about your fellow Konoha genin; this shouldn't affect them."

"I hope not," Sasuke grumbled. "And why are you suddenly deciding to go attempt a coup d'etat on one of the five Greats?"

Madara eyed his descendant. "I'm not senile, if that's what you're asking," he said dryly. "This should provide a nice end to your hunter-nin mission with Orochimaru and give you time to get back to Konoha. I'll be there. It should coincide with the third of the remaining clan's secret meetings under the shrine-"

"I know which one," Sasuke snapped quietly. "How do you know about our mission, and did you sic the Kyuubi on Konoha eight years ago." Despite the phrasing, the words did not form a question.

"I have my contacts," Madara chuckled. "And no, I did not send the Kyuubi to Konoha eight years ago. Sixty eight years ago, perhaps, but not eight."

"I don't get what's so amusing," Sasuke muttered, wondering if he should light a fire to drive the older man off.

"Didn't you pay attention to your history lessons?" Madara wondered.

"I was six. And they never mentioned you or the first Kyuubi attack."

"You know about it, though."

Sasuke poked at a random spot in the dirt beside him. "I know a lot. Itachi- he planted them in my mind before he died. And then he gave me his eyes. Now, I have no reason to use them."

Madara processed the information before nodding and leaving. A man with multiple facial piercings and long, vibrantly orange hair pulled up into a high ponytail walked out of the shadows. The eerie mist-engendered light reflected off a scratched Amegakure hitai-ate and softened the colors of his Akatsuki cloak.

"Are you done yet?" his voice had an oddly flat quality, as if issuing from a corpse. Madara nodded and stood.

"Don't attack Konoha." Even Sasuke blinked at his own words, unsure of how to phrase things properly. "Not yet, at least." Family was still family, even if they were estranged and out for his blood.

"Not yet," Madara agreed before he and Pein vanished. Sasuke cursed under his breath and went to wake his teammates up. So much for trying to get the jump on Orochimaru at a Chuunin Exam.

XxXxX

Really, having guard duty was so tedious, sometimes. For the six hundredth and fifteenth time that night, he caught sight of movement and realized it was one of the desert foxes living in the scrubby habitat of this region. He shivered, wondering if the Kyuubi could somehow manipulate its so-called 'kin' and if that was the reason why there were so many of the damned animals running around. The windswept boulder behind his back retained very little of the daytime heat.

"You look cold," Gaara said. Like most of the other shinobi on watch, he wore a thick dun-colored cloak that warded of heat during the daytime, cold during the nighttime, and sand during both. "Here." He held up a similar cloak; Naruto hadn't worn his own, which was nothing like Sunagakure's, anyways.

"Thanks," Naruto shivered as he pulled it on. "Whose is this?"

"Yashamaru told me not to lose it." Gaara took a seat next to him. "I like looking at the moon, sometimes. It's almost full."

"In a few more days," Naruto agreed. "And then the Iwa forces will come. And we will defeat them."

"Of course," Gaara agreed, settling into a small dip in the rock until, like Naruto, he was virtually camouflaged from friend and foe alike. "We'll protect everyone. Yashamaru."

Naruto nodded, wondering if Gaara's uncle really would attempt to kill his Jinchuuriki nephew this time around. And 'this time around' made all the importance. "When does first watch end?"

"Two more hours."

"We can wait, then."

XxXxX

Naruto frowned as he remembered his conversation with Gaara a few nights ago. He had lost sight of the other Jinchuuriki and his relatives early on in the fighting. But then, no one had really expected Iwa to attack during the night.

_We're not supposed to use Konoha-specific jutsu,_ Sai had said. That translated into most of the special upper-rank jutsu he had learned. _Nothing to incriminate Konoha- there's not really enough room for my type of jutsu, anyways._ It was a pity a good Oinin could read a corpse like Sakura could read a book. _'Dammit, where's Sasuke when you need him?'_ After all, using kinjutsu developed in secret by a snakelike, egotistic megalomaniac with an admittedly incredible streak of genius couldn't be traced back to Konoha, could it?

(As Sasuke and his team were packing up and tendering their resignations from the exam, he sneezed. _'Dammit. I hope that wasn't Itachi.')_

Naruto shoved a kunai into someone's shoulder. He didn't like killing, but he wouldn't let any of his nakama die. The fact that they were then easily picked off by lesser Suna nin wasn't his fault.

One monster of a man roared in fury and aimed for his neck; Naruto shoved a kunai through his eye and moved on.

"Doton: Retsudo Tenshou!" a deep, hoarse voice bellowed. "Die, hmmm!?" The sandy earth split, not doing much harm. Naruto caught sight of Gaara as the sand ripped through the cracks in the earth left by the technique and felt his mouth drop in awe. He then closed it as he kicked someone wearing a Chuunin uniform into the sand's way. There wasn't even time for a scream before the man's body splattered into bloody pulp. An angry woman wearing a Jounin vest screamed and threw herself at him, slashing wildly with twin katana.

'_They're not even ninjato, really,'_ he mused as he dodged a pair of strikes and threw a multitude of shuriken at her.

"Doton: Doryuu Heki!" she bellowed, spitting out a yellow mud wall. Naruto paused before he ran headlong into the thing, remembering Kakashi's statements on the different types of chakra elemental application.

'_Shit. Earth is weak against lightning. Seriously, where is the teme when you need him?'_ Naruto let off a snarl as he set an explosive tag on the structure before jumping over it to find nobody.

(Back in Kirigakure, Sasuke sneezed again. His teammates wondered if he were sick, and a particularly stupid- or bright- genin team took the chance to 'ambush' them. They soon learned not to mess with S-class shinobi in disguise.)

Naruto punched the lights out of a particularly ugly specimen of the human species, then stepped on her (his?) neck to make sure she (he?) was well and truly dead. Another oversized gorilla woman jumped him from behind.

"GAH!" He Kawarimi'ed away, leaving a hapless Iwa chuunin cowering under the gorilla woman's glare.

Naruto paused, remembering the one Fuuton (which was Suna's specialty) he had truly seen.

"Fuuton! Kaze no Yaiba!" Several others' cries came through, including one he recognized as Baki's. Naruto concentrated on focusing that his wind-natured chakra ground through only what he wanted to grind through and not on his allies' or own random body parts. Gaara would probably laugh at him.

"Rally! Suna!" Yashamaru's voice cut through the sound of fighting, whistling wind, and rumbling earth. As one, the Suna shinobi backed off and began an organized, staggered, slow retreat.

Naruto whistled in appreciation as sand arose from the ground, chasing and killing the Iwa ninja. He finally spotted Gaara, his siblings, Baki, and Yashamaru a few meters ahead and ran to join them. Sai was nowhere to be seen, probably having already abandoned the battle in favor of chasing down injured survivors.

"That's impressive, Gaara!" he cheered. "You can do it!" Gaara snarled soundlessly as a group of Jounin evaded his sand, uselessly forming seals for jutsu that would not work on ground saturated with the Ichibi's youki. Soon, the entire Iwa army had retreated.

The first attack was over.

XxXxX

The fighting might be over, but it was much harder cleaning up the bodies. Naruto watched appreciatively as the Oinin moved efficiently, occasionally engaging in minor fights over a corpse.

Still, each body out there represented a lifetime dedication of at least two people, probably more. Who among the dead had been husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, sons, daughters? Who had wanted to leave behind their nakama? Their precious people?

Who, among both the living and the dead, realized that they were taking others from their precious people, even as they sought to defend their own? Did they realize that their efforts were probably in vain? Shinobi did not lead long lives, nor happy ones. Very few went through their careers without major trauma of one sort or another; fewer died peacefully or happily, without regrets. The nakama they had tried to protect would only be hurt by their deaths.

Naruto snapped himself out of brooding as he stared at the twisted mounds of corpses. Almost automatically, he gently kicked a severed head back to the body it belonged to. A face, its owner somewhere in his late thirties, stared back at him in blind shock and pain. A little ways back, he saw the shredded, pulpy remains of several people, already indistinguishable from each other from the decomposition and flies. They had been cut down by the Kaze no Yaiba.

From what Sasuke had said, Itachi had loved peace. Was this because he saw the result of the Kyuubi's attack when he was four? To a young, innocent child, the battlefield would be hell.

Overhead, the carrion birds flocked, already helping the Oinin dispose the bodies. Naruto spotted both the golden eagles favored by Iwa oinin and the smaller, drab, but no less hungry or voracious desert hawks used by the Suna oinin. Kiri oinin preferred crows, and Konoha oinin were part of the Anbu. They had no preference. Occasionally, a few would flit down at the orders of one figure or another, tearing at an already mangled body.

"No sound, no smell, no traces," he muttered dryly, remembering when Kakashi had first taught him about oinin. "That's the end of your average shinobi. Of course, I'm not going to die that way."

He finally believed what people said of war, that war was an experience that both cleansed and tainted the soul. The exhilaration of battle and the despondency of the aftermath both affected shinobi, no matter how they tried to stop it.

Uzumaki Naruto simply decided that war wasn't worth the effort.

XxXxX

To be honest, Naruto knew that Iwagakure would not have given up on trying to win with just one loss. He just hadn't realized that they would be sending assassins.

So, when Naru the Civilian!Naruto went out for a walk, he wasn't expecting his four shadows to appear in a deserted alleyway and attack him.

The Oinin wouldn't find their bodies here. They would be marked as just more victims of the border town's violent, pervasive criminal population. With that in mind, Naruto summoned a couple dozen Kage Bunshin and powered up a Rasengan.

"Yellow Flash," the last one whispered as he died, like his fellows the unfortunate victim of a Kage Bunshin dogpile he hadn't gotten out of fast enough.

Naruto ignored the man as he checked his assailants. None of them was above Chuunin rank, and even though they had no hitai-ate on them, he was fairly sure none of the Suna shinobi wanted him dead. There was no reason for them to kill off their own ally.

His suspicions were confirmed when Baki ran down the same alley he was in, a few blood splatters staining one sleeve. "They're sending in assassins now," the jounin grumbled, leaning against the wall and breathing hard. "Reinforcements won't arrive for another two days, too."

"What about Gaara? And Temari and Kankuro? And Yashamaru?"

Baki was already running back to the encampment. "Shit! Alert! Sentries, alert! Beware of intruders!"

Naruto couldn't help but be impressed by the swift, efficient eruption of activity of a shinobi camp placed on high alert.

Of course, the scream he heard a few moments later chilled his blood. It was a sound he would have a hard time forgetting.

"YAAAAARRGH!"

"Yashamaru!"

"Gaara!"

XxXxX

Hoshigaki Akira gagged on her own blood as she watched the single man take down her leader and his guards before he turned and ended her life with a simple thrust.

Black fire burned away her corpse.

XxXxX

AN: Keep in mind that although people claim that Itach is the only Uchiha who doesn't rely on his Sharingan for power, he really does. Who's the one who keeps it on all the time again?

After this chapter will be a month-long hiatus so I can finish my numerous summer assignments. Ugh. I am so sorry about it, though.

Also, Tsukiyomi can also be written Tsukuyomi. So far as I know, the two are interchangeable. Sadly, since I don't watch the anime, I have no idea how it's pronounced, but for now I'm going with Tsukiyomi because it's more accurate etymology-wise.

And there we have it. The death of an OC (I hate OC's, especially when I need to use them), a semi-OC (because there had to have been a Mizukage before Madara. People get suspicious), and poor Yashamaru. I didn't want to kill him off, but… he died anyways. Oops.

XxXxX

Thank you to reviewers: show.me.the.stars, Theblackroseofkonoha, xXxLostInnocenexXX, Kage of Seireitei,

If five people do not review this chapter, there will be no omake.

I know there are at least ten times that number reading this fic. Much more, actually. Please review, because the plot bunnies for this story live off reviews. Don't let them starve!

XxXxX

Omake: The Misadventures of Itachi, Part 4

Somewhere in the background, someone was playing "The Ninjas Are Going To The Festival" badly.

The fact that there _were_ ninjas at the festival was very, very clichéd, but no one cared. Hashirama hummed happily as he browsed through a rack of kimono, pausing to pick out a brilliantly orange one before shaking his head over the quality and replacing it. Itachi was reminded of a certain Kyuubi no Jinchuuriki. Hashirama's brother found a navy blue jacket and stared at it morosely.

He wandered over to a neighboring booth and began to finger the clothing absentmindedly. He could feel eyes boring into his back, and his color vision was alternately fading and returning, like a bad tv set.

Shit. Was he going blind again? Or was his body adjusting to its lack of Sharingan? He paused, holding a shirt.

"Let me see," the future Nidaime said, plucking the shirt out of Itachi's hands and holding it up. The blue jacket hung over his arm, forgotten. "I like it."

"Definitely," Hashirama agreed. He had picked up another garishly-orange colored piece of fabric. An obi?

Itachi looked at the shirt and realized it was a particularly effeminate, pastel shade of vibrant pink. His blush worsened when the shirt was flipped around and he read the words.

_Only strong men wear pink_

"My mistake," he croaked, grabbing for the shirt.

"Don't worry; we'll pay for it," Hashirama said, smirking, as he handed money Itachi had only ever seen in his counterfeiting reference books over to the vendor. "Got anything to match?"

The fact that he seemed to be trapped in some horrific, unending nightmare in which he was representative of the medic girl of his younger brother's former team was pushed to the back of his mind as the vendor unearthed a pair of pants he wouldn't consider wearing even if he were going undercover as a cheap, male, gay hooker and his life depended on it.

His protests were drowned out as Hashirama paid for those as well, beaming cheerfully. At this point in time, he decided that either the Shodai had terrible fashion sense or that he was purposely tormenting Itachi.

Unfortunately, the exchange attracted the notice of a certain pair of spandex-wearing freaks.

"YOSH! THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH BLOOMS IN THIS FINE YOUNG MAN WHO IS WILLING TO SPEAK OUT FOR HIMSELF!"

"What are you wearing, what are you doing, why are you doing that, and, most importantly, who in this world are you?" Hashirama interrupted brusquely, staring at the ninja in front of him in horror.

"I AM MAITO-!"

Itachi screamed and clutched his eyes. "IT BURNS! HELP! IT BURNS!"

Because, of course, no one can resist the pull of monkey-vomit green spandex and leg warmers of a color previously unknown to man.

The guy smirked. "But I get instant gag reflex with this," he boasted. "My springtime of youth still exists!"

Itachi twitched. "Katon: Gokakyuu no Jutsu!" There! Now the crazy Gai-ancestor was covered in a nice, concealing layer of soot!

Until someone dumped water on him in an attempt to clean him off, revealing that he was butt-naked underneath.

"MY EYES!" Itachi screamed, desperately running away from the horrifying picture in front of him and into the soon-to-be Nidaime.

"Well, now we know what makes the Uchiha tick," was all the silver-haired shinobi could say.

XxXxX

Dictionary:

Kinjutsu- forbidden jutsu

Doton- Earth type

Retsudo Tenshou- Earth Splitting Force (from scanlation of Vol 27, Ch. 244)

Katana- curved, one-edged sword, blade between 36-40 cm, made of folded steel.

Ninjato- ninja blade. (assassination katana?) Shorter, thinner, lighter, more flexible, but also easier to break because of that. Makes good shrapnel in desperate times and are cheaper than higher-quality katana.

Doryuu Heki- Mudslide Wall or something like that. Sandaime-sama uses it against Nidaime-sama the Shodai's cousin or brother or something like that. XP

Fuuton- Wind type

Kaze no Yaiba- Blade of Wind (from scanlation) Baki used it to kill off Hayate the examiner a long, long time ago.

Monkey-vomit green- A color favored only by interior home decorators in America in the '60s and '70s. As the name suggests, the color looks like puke.


	10. Chapter 10

2stupid: Here we go again.

Tensa-chan: God (Kami-sama?) help us all.

2stupid: it's been what, almost a year since we last updated?

Tensa-chan: Around ten months.

2stupid: Well, that was due to something called 'college applications' and 'AP Exams'. I'm sorry for that. Here is your new chapter.

Tensa-chan: Actually, we're only here because we don't want to contemplate the ones we have starting Monday, so please cheer us up by reviewing. Or else.

2stupid: Ignore the threat.

Tensa-chan: Even though you shouldn't.

2stupid: Ignore Tensa-chan.

Tensa-chan: NO!

Disclaimer: Ownership is for Western pussies. Go socialism! (Just so you know, I support democracy. Therefore, I do not own Naruto.)

XxXxX

Chapter 10: We Aren't the World

XxXxX

Naruto flinched as Gaara's scream rang through the camp, followed by Yashamaru's. "Gaara! Yashamaru!" He stopped dead as he reached his fellow Jinchuuriki's campsite and saw what had happened.

Yashamaru knelt protectively in front of Gaara, his arms outstretched and a dark, nondescript-looking figure limp in a pool of blood a few feet away. Temari and Kankuro huddled to either side of Gaara, hugging him tightly. Naruto flinched: Blood was everywhere, more than there was a right to be.

Sure, blood sprayed everywhere when a major artery was hit, but this…. This was more blood than a single human body held!

"Yashamaru?" Naruto asked softly, approaching the other man carefully. In the background, he could see other Suna nin appearing from where they had been drawn by the screams.

Yashamaru turned, his face pale and wearing an odd, bitterly vacant smile, blood splatters dotting one side of his face in a macabre decoration. Naruto blanched as he watched blood drip out of the jounin's mouth and nose. "I'm dying; the assassin hit my lung, stomach, and kidney before I took him out. Can you take care of Gaara for me? For my sister, his mother?"

"Yashamaru?" Naruto croaked.

"He's dead," Sai's inordinately cheerful voice spoke from the darkness. Naruto assumed he was talking about the assassin, because Yashamaru was still dying, his body straining to function.

"Yashamaru!" Gaara screamed, the sand rising to encase him and his siblings in a protective barrier. In the sidelines, the assembled military might of Sunagakure whispered, worried.

Naruto shuddered as the man's torso twisted to face his nephew and foster-son, more than any human body had the right to, because the anchoring tendons on the left side of his body had been cut.

"I'm sorry I couldn't stop him in time, Gaara. Are you all right?"

"Don't die, Yashamaru!" Before anyone could stop him, Gaara ran over and hugged his uncle, who automatically adjusted his position so Gaara didn't sink a hand into ripped flesh and organ.

"I'll always be watching over you, alright?" Yashamaru smiled before convulsing once and going limp. Gaara screamed again, wordlessly, as Naruto numbly assisted Temari and Kankuro in pulling him away from Yashamaru. An oinin stepped in to take care of the body.

"He died of blood loss," the man shook his head. "His opponent lost half his head to a Fuuton. It was a clean cut; the facial features are still identifiable, as if he merely got run over by a wagon."

Naruto took the chance to cover Gaara's eyes and plug his ears as the oinin went on. Together, he and Temari dragged Gaara over to their tent as Kankuro shut the flap behind them. Gaara was crying, ignoring the sand that absorbed the bloodstains on his clothes.

"Why couldn't I protect him?" Gaara sobbed. Sand writhed around the tent, reacting to his anguish.

"Calm down, Gaara!" Naruto bellowed. "Otherwise there will be more like him!"

Amazingly, the sand stopped. "I- I don't want that to happen," Gaara whispered. "I'll keep it from happening again!"

"Yes, you will," Sakura's voice murmured into Naruto's ear. "That was Yashamaru, wasn't it?"

Naruto, not trusting his voice, nodded. They stood there, watching, unmoving, as the rest of the camp went to deal with the business of war.

XxXxX

Sandaime did not take Sasuke's news well. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," Sasuke replied testily. "I told you already. If I were not certain, I would not have admitted the truth."

"This is ill news indeed, for our clan," Fugaku murmured. "Thank you for being the one to break the news to us, Uchiha Sasuke."

"You're welcome." After so long, Sasuke could feel almost nothing for his father's praise. In a way, Naruto's view was right; it was his job to create a better future, not strive for the lost past. He left, nodding to his superiors.

"When the rest of Team Seven return, I have another mission lined up for you," Sandaime called. "Meanwhile, consider yourself on vacation. Don't leave the city walls."

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

As Sasuke closed the door behind him, he could hear Fugaku worriedly telling Sandaime, "Let our clan deal with the traitor as we ought to. This is clan business…."

XxXxX

Six months and much vicious fighting later, Naruto, Sakura, and Sai finally limped their victorious way home. After Yashamaru's death, they had been reassigned to a different sector of the Suna army, working mainly in the background as support shinobi. Naruto had taken the time to perfect his control over wind chakra and meld it into the Rasengan, Sakura had learned as much as she could stuff into her head from the Suna medics, and Sai was mostly off doing Suna-Konoha joint reconnaissance missions.

They were greeted at the gate by a very, very bored Sasuke.

"Finally," the Uchiha said without preamble. "Hokage-sama has another mission lined up for us."

"What?" Naruto wailed. He'd really been looking forward to a vacation. Or at least a long, hot shower.

"From what I understand, it's a short-term high-risk mission, but we shouldn't see much combat, and since there's four of us, we should be able to finish quickly. Besides," Sasuke smirked. "Didn't you always want to act the hero?"

"I just want a bath," Naruto said forlornly. "Besides, I was _twelve_ back then."

"We're fifteen now," Sakura teased gently. "It was only a lifetime ago. Besides, I have a feeling this is something that Konoha needs done, and with as flashy a team as possible. The village has a reputation to keep, after all."

"That is correct," Tsunade drawled, draining the last from a bottle of sake, which she promptly handed to the shinobi on gate guard duty before pulling out another. "Jiraiya and I are going to go out to gather information; as our successors, so to speak, your job is to remind everyone about Konoha's power. In the meantime, go see the Hokage for your mission details."

"Yes, Tsunade baa-mmph!" Sakura dragged a gagged Naruto off.

"What about you, Uchiha?" she asked, narrowing her eyes. "Shouldn't you go with them?"

"I've known about the mission for the past six months," Sasuke grumbled. "I had to wait for my team to reappear before we went off again."

"Just remember," Tsunade admonished. "Most of the outside world is not like our clientele. You'd be surprised what rumors about us have sprung up amongst civilians."

"Rumors that we allow to spread," Sasuke corrected. "Misleading information and truth alike. It's part of the shinobi way of life."

Tsunade's smile resembled a shark's. "Team Seven will be Konoha's face in the outside world. At least for now. Just keep a rein on Naruto-kun and you should be just fine."

"Showing off the powers of the new Densetsu no Sannin," Sasuke muttered, watching several people pass by. "I wonder what it's like, to be a samurai, or to live as an ordinary citizen with no contact with shinobi."

"You're about to find out," Izumo, the gate guard, injected, twirling the sake bottle Tsunade had given him. "And I don't envy you."

The rest of Team Seven flitted down beside Sasuke. "That was quick," he noted.

Naruto shrugged. "We just have to go to the Fire Capital and guard find a bunch of slavers." His apathetic tone most definitely did not match the fire burning in his eyes. "Oh, and we have to make Konoha look cool, but that's a given."

Sasuke threw him a dirty look. "Several months of our lives, possibly more, spent _searching for idiot civilians_. This wasn't what I was hoping for when I graduated."

"That's right," Naruto joked. "You're the assassination-type, aren't you? Kill the civvies, not save them?"

"Shut up. We might get asked to do that, too, since we're still at the beck and call of the daimyo himself during the mission."

Naruto contented himself with a cat's smile.

XxXxX

Three days' easy travel and inculcation of all the mannerisms and knowledge they needed to adapt to life in a civilian city took them to the edge of a mountain range, where they saw a sprawling metropolis almost double the size of Konoha.

"Big," Naruto whispered in awe as Team Seven stopped on a small ridge overlooking the city.

"Dobe," Sasuke replied amusedly. "Didn't Jiraiya ever take you here?"

Naruto shook his head. "We spent most of our time gathering information, so we avoided places like these for smaller towns. That's where most shinobi hide you, you know. It's easier to keep track of your neighbors that way, and it feels more like home."

"We're supposed to be nine, not fifteen," Sai said. "Dickless wonder."

"There doesn't seem to be immigration," Naruto said, scanning the panorama. "I'm guessing the city proper starts maybe thirty miles off. That's where most of the buildings get really squished, anyways."

"We're to meet at the Aoyama Hotel," Sasuke recited. "We all know where that is?"

Team Seven headed toward the affluent northern section of the city.

Sakura kept herself from gaping at the sights and sounds as they hopped along first-floor rooftops, well away from the immense crowds. This was so much different from Konoha; here, the theme seemed to be flash and ostentation, not a quiet, deadly efficiency. _'That's the difference between civilians and shinobi, I suppose,'_ she thought quietly as she dodged an enormous neon sign for a bustling teahouse. It was almost sunset; they had another two hours to go before they had to meet their client, and already the civilians below were already beginning to look up, gawking and pointing.

"This is stupid," she muttered, dodging some power lines. "They don't even keep their roofs in good condition."

"That's because they don't expect people to run on them," Sai murmured, jumping across several broken tiles. "This isn't Konoha, remember?"

They were all dressed in nondescript clothing now; nothing blatantly shinobi wear, such as mesh armor, but nothing extravagant. If Sakura had to describe how they all looked, it would be as lower-class people of indeterminate background. They could easily pass for civilians, especially by civilians themselves.

Sakura dodged a sparrow nest. "I'm surprised their roofs haven't started leaking by now." Compared to Konoha, which was located more towards the northern part of Fire Country, the capital was situated in a temperate sub-tropical zone surrounded by enough mountains to keep storm clouds from leaving the city. "I mean, this city probably floods every year."

Sasuke snorted. "Close enough."

"You've been here?" Sakura asked.

"My clan has a hidden resupply station and safehouse somewhere along the outskirts of town," Sasuke shrugged. "We probably passed it by."

Naruto sneezed as he stirred up a dust cloud from a particularly dirty roof.

"Where do we start?" Sai asked reasonably. Sakura, who had been trusted with the mission funds as the most mature and levelheaded member of the group, mentally tallied up her funding.

"Let's find a place to stay," she suggested.

"Someplace seedy, where they don't ask too many questions," Sasuke agreed. "Then we search for information."

"Bars," Naruto offered. He sneezed again. "Stupid civilians who don't take proper care of their property."

"I'll be the bait," Sai offered blandly.

"You're kidding," Naruto deadpanned. "Who'd want a creep like you? You even look creepy?"

"You forgot that he's supposedly from Root," Sasuke mused. "Doesn't training include infiltration courses?"

Sai flashed him a blinding, fake smile. "I failed those courses," he admitted easily. "I volunteer Naruto. He has a healing factor."

"Oh, we are so screwed," Naruto mocked as Team Seven slipped into a side alley so quickly that to civilians it seemed as if they had suddenly vanished and appeared a few minutes later, mingling into the crowds.

Naruto sneezed. These places were dirty, damn it!

XxXxX

Sakura sighed faintly as she perused items in a large clothing store, pretending to be an empty-headed idiot. It worked, most of the time. Sai and Naruto were cooperating with the local civilian police for information; Sasuke was on the other side of town, using his Sharingan to good effect.

Sakura shuddered slightly as she remembered just what an angry Uchiha with a Sharingan could do. It was something she hoped she would have to see as few times as possible in her life.

"This is Takara here, do you copy?" she whispered into her mike, her hand coming around to apparently brush her bangs from her face as she fiddled with the frequency dial.

"_This is Gama-sama. Copy,"_ Naruto's voice filtered through. _"We have a victim profile." _

"_This is a waste of time for me,"_ Sasuke muttered.

"Where are you?" Sakura asked carefully as she picked out a cheap, dark orange shirt from a similar pile set next to a stack of yukata, easily picking out flaws in the design and fabric. "How much?" she asked the bored cashier, simultaneously processing her teammate's reply. Non-shinobi manufacturers were so shoddy in their work- this shirt probably wouldn't last more than a few months, at most.

"Fifty ryou," the woman said, holding her hand out for the money. Sakura stared at her. _Fifty-!_ She could buy a set of decent kunai with fifty ryou!

"Too expensive!" she screamed, throwing the shirt in the shocked cashier's face and storming out. She could hear her teammates' chuckles over the radio over the exclamations of the other customers in the store. They were never going to let her live this one down.

"_It's me."_ Sasuke's voice made her pause. He hadn't given his identity, as usual. _"Tori, I'm heading for your position. I have the profile." _

"_Gama-sama backs him up!"_ Only Naruto could sound exuberant while whispering at a level most civilians wouldn't be able to hear.

"_Let's just use our real names,"_ Sasuke grumbled.

"_You forgot your code name, didn't you?"_ Sai asked easily. Sakura could hear the sound of rustling papers and civilian blabber in the background.

"_I did not. Who decided to make me 'Saya'?!"_ A few steps later, Sasuke joined her, reading through what was apparently a large notebook.

"Did Sai copy our homework for you?" Sakura asked, taking a look inside. Yes, that was definitely Sai's own special brand of chakra-laden ink.

"Gama-sama helped," Sasuke replied; Sakura caught a hint of Sharingan as he memorized key bits of information.

"So, what do we do now? Go back to renting a hotel?" No matter how seedy the establishment, all had been unwilling to rent to what seemed to be three violent men and a girl they had kidnapped. At least, that was what she had caught.

"Local power in poorer districts is divided into gangs," Sasuke told her as she steered him in the direction of a small restaurant. "It's a lot like a civilian version of the shinobi system."

"Do you think one of the local gangs is involved?" Sakura asked. "Mitarashi dango!"

"_Is that a ramen place?!"_ Naruto's voice filtered through.

"I like this dessert shop," Sakura said easily, flipping through this menu. She had never been here before, of course. Nonetheless, the waitress beamed at her as she bounced pointlessly on her toes. What was it with civilians like these? "The food is good, and it's halfway between the government district and the public parks, in the middle of an absolutely awesome shopping center. Even the name is cute! I mean, 'Suzuki-chan's Dango'? So, Saya-kun?"

"Tea," Sasuke ordered, his eyes barely flickering up to the waitress, who sent a jealous glance in Sakura's direction.

_Oh, if only she knew... _

For the next fifteen minutes, they alternately nibbled at their food and stared out the window as they waited for their teammates to track them down.

"Damn, Takara-chan!" Naruto complained loudly, throwing open the hinged door. "Your directions sucked!"

"The only reason we got lost is because you looked in the wrong district," Sai said, sliding into the seat next to her. "Dickless wonder."

"Hey!" Naruto complained. Sakura smiled her empty-headed bimbo smile at them and motioned for him to sit down- or else. "Do you have ramen?!"

"He wants dango." Naruto, of course, hated the stuff. Anko had probably gotten to him.

"Sakura-chan!"

She pretended to ignore him and slowly ate a piece of dango off its wooden skewer. Naruto whimpered. "Sakura-chan's scary." As the waitress returned, Naruto sniffed dramatically, falling easily into the mask of a hyperactive idiot teenage boy.

Sakura cracked her knuckles; she was fairly sure even civilian teens didn't act this way. The waitress seemed fine with it, however, so she gave up on it.

"Have you seen the latest assignments we've had?" Sai began, pulling out a rather wrinkled sheaf of papers from the rather large, bulky, and inefficient civilian backpack replacing his shinobi one. "I think my notes are incomplete." _We're missing important information regarding the mission_, Sakura translated.

"Mine too," Naruto said, carefully pulling a dumpling off its skewer. "Maybe the teacher didn't go over that section? I'm sure we weren't absent." _I couldn't find it either. Perhaps it doesn't exist or we haven't found it yet. At least in the spots we've been searching for._

"Or maybe the teacher doesn't fully understand the topic at hand," Sasuke interjected. "No one is omniscient, after all." _Perhaps they overlooked it or deemed it too irrelevant to be of note. They're only civilians._

"Hey, I think we should check with the teacher again," Sakura agreed. _Let's visit some of the sites, or at least the general area, of the slavers' known areas of operation. We might be able to pick up clues there. _

"Good idea," Sasuke grunted.

"All right!" Naruto cheered.

Sai said nothing but put his papers into his backpack and prepared to leave.

XxXxX

The first site they visited was a city block, nearly a square mile in size. Tenements crowded each other up, and there was a veritable forest of drying laundry hanging from clotheslines. Sakura frowned.

"So many people," she grumbled. "How are we supposed to find anything of note? There isn't even a scene left."

"Local gossip?" Naruto asked quietly. "We could pretend to be-"

Sasuke shook his head. "The people here know each other. We stick out like sore thumbs, and that kid over there is planning on robbing us."

Somewhere within the area a cow mooed; the effect was instantaneous. The civilians slid towards the wall, the shinobi following suit just as a heavily armored wagon drawn by the largest oxen she had ever seen rattled by swiftly.

"Paranoia?" Naruto mouthed at her. Sakura shook her head. The people in this district were probably considered dangerous by civilian standards; she wouldn't be surprised to see some who could compete directly with shinobi in this sector.

"Civilian police," Sasuke sighed, and Sakura was reminded that the Uchiha had taken up the role of military police in Konoha.

Sai said nothing, only pointed to a seedy hotel. "Why don't you try to book us rooms then, Big Forehead?"

Sakura swiped at him half-heartedly as she headed for the dilapidated structure. Behind her, she could hear Naruto lecture him on proper nicknaming techniques.

The receptionist wore less clothing than Sakura thought was prudent; Sakura ignored that fact and marched up.

"Yes?"

"I need a room for four people."

"By hour or night?"

"Four weeks."

"I'm afraid we don't rent out for that long at a time." The receptionist blew a bubble, her long, fake nails tapping her register critically. "Try the Akaya down the street. I'm sure they'll be happy to oblige."

Sakura sighed; Naruto and Sai had already tried that place out. Exiting the building, she shook her head at her friends. She hadn't expected civilian life outside a hidden village to be so... different.

"What do we do now?" Naruto complained.

"Rent an apartment?" Sakura offered, looking around. Sai shook his head.

"I think you need papers to rent those." To shinobi, papers were bad. They could be traced to a certain person. And then that person could be killed or exploited.

Naruto sighed. "We're out of options. Dattebayo."

"Don't even start," Sakura grumbled. Sasuke, having apparently suddenly realized he'd used up his allotment of words for the mission, was silent. Sai was busy scribbling something into a notebook. "We don't have the money for something classier, not for so long, and not without attracting attention."

"Abandoned housing," Sasuke said suddenly, pointing. Maybe he hadn't used up his allotment of words yet.

Sakura turned to where his finger was; what appeared to be a large, empty warehouse stood crammed between some kind of secondhand clothing store and a tenement.

"Good enough," Naruto pouted, put off at having been stood up in the search for housing.

The inside of the warehouse proved to be both large enough for their needs and devoid of people. There was a single large, empty space inside, with a railed walkway wrapped around the perimeter about ten feet up. The walls were thin corrugated metal but solid, and only partially rusted.

"They stored cotton in here," Sai said, sniffing. "And quite possibly liquor."

Sakura shrugged. "It's of no importance right now."

Naruto, meanwhile, was peeking through a small gap on the ground floor. "Hey, people can spy on us in here!"

Sasuke looked him as if he were an idiot. "Not if we're careful, dobe."

"Teme!"

"We should have started the mission already," Sai said, smiling disarmingly. The expression didn't quite reach his eyes.

Sakura sighed. "Who wants to go track down rumors and be the bait?"

XxXxX

Shikamaru could _tell_ Ino was frustrated. First her Sasuke-kun had vanished on her, then she'd been drafted into an early-out program and was being taught things he was sure most shinobi weren't taught until they were older.

"I'm getting too bulky," Ino complained, poking at her arm. "It's so ugly!"

"No, you're gaining good muscle mass," Shikaku corrected. "Come on, another hundred pushups."

Ino sighed and resigned herself to being some kind of gorilla-woman. There went her willowy figure...

XxXxX

Sasuke made sure his Henge was in place, then slipped out. To the casual observer and anyone who was not a genjutsu master, he was a grubby ten-year-old boy, one of the better specimens when compared with others in his neighborhood. To his teammates and anyone else good enough to notice the difference he was simply Uchiha Sasuke, wearing a dark blue, long sleeved turtleneck, black pants and sandals, and looking far too dangerous-looking to fit into life in this district. The fact that he still carried his chokuto probably didn't help.

"Saya, reporting," he whispered into his headset, watching the world from behind long black bangs as he began wandering aimlessly, posting a lost look on his face. "There is nothing here, just rumors. I believe the slavers have at least one chuunin-level shinobi working for them, perhaps even running the operation. It would explain why locals are so close lipped."

"_It's sad when people don't trust their shinobi,"_ Sai said, apparently sincerely. Sasuke knew better by now.

"The same two men are following me as have been for the past two weeks; one six o'clock and the other seven. Short brown hair, scar on the neck. The other is bald and missing his left eye. Neither have had much training in chakra use; I'm guessing they're mercenaries of some type."

"_Got them,"_ Sakura whispered, and soon the two mooks were being trailed on their own. Sakura and Sai could make sure they weren't being tracked themselves just fine; it would take a Sannin-level shinobi to fool them, and S-class nukenin were in short supply.

"Play along or not?" he mused.

"_I want action!" _Naruto complained.

"Play along," Sasuke decided.

"_Awww! Teme!"_

"Dobe."

Sasuke moved into a shadowed alleyway, and sure enough, his stalkers moved in. A quick chop to the back of his neck, and he pretended to faint. The bald one picked him up and slung his limp body over his shoulder.

_Sloppy,_ Sasuke thought. The two hadn't even checked to make sure he was fully unconscious or wearing a weapon.

"Bastard's 'eavy," the baldie complained. Considering as how Sasuke was actually a very fit shinobi wearing lots and lots of heavy gear and not at all a thin, malnourished ten-year-old, that could be excused.

"Baby," the other grunted. "I carried the last one. You carry this one."

He could see Sakura making markers to trace their path when he lifted his head slightly to indicate that they were still following the plan.

Whatever plan that was. Apparently, Naruto had been right about dashing in without a plan sometimes... that dobe.

He closed his eyes lightly as they moved somewhere underground; there were probably cameras here.

Five more minutes of flight later, Sasuke was dumped into the middle of a large, empty room and left alone. He pretended to wake up and glance around in fright, then curl up with his hands over his head.

"Stage one, complete," he whispered into the mike, his hands covering the movements of his lips. With a quick, judicious flick of his head that could be taken for a frightened start, the comm set vanished into an interior, hidden pocket, turned off.

He raised his head and glanced around, still playing the part of the boy frightened out of his wits. There was a single visible camera to his left and two other hidden ones and a miniscule microphone embedded into cracks in the walls to his right and back.

No challenge, then. Sasuke curled up and waited, already bored with the mission.

A couple hundred feet away, Sakura analyzed the outside of the underground complex where her teammate was supposedly held.

"Why does nobody check the empty warehouses?" she grumbled rhetorically. "We wouldn't have had to spend so much time waiting."

"_Admit it, we had fun,"_ Sai teased.

"Pervert," she growled, reminding herself to punch him as soon as she could- hard.

"_That's what she said,"_ Sai responded.

"_...." _

"Baka."

"_Wrong context?" _

"_Definitely." _

Sakura wished the stupid mission would just get done. Instead, she steeled herself for a long, boring wait. She wasn't disappointed.

XxXxX

Uchiha Fugaku frowned. "What did you mean by sending an Uchiha on a mission such as that?" he demanded. "The Sharingan-"

"It is our belief that Uchiha Sasuke will have no trouble dealing with those after the Sharingan," Homura interrupted scornfully. "Or have you forgotten just why your clan is still alive after now?"

Fugaku calmed down. "So, Itachi-"

"-will be the next clan head, as agreed," Sandaime said, worry wrinkles marring his face. "He will reinstate trust between the Uchiha and the village."

"Because we are the most powerful," Fugaku said. It was true. "Only an Uchiha can defeat an Uchiha."

"So what are you worried for, then?" Danzo asked scornfully.

"Shut up," Tsunade interrupted.

Uchiha Yakino nodded slightly in agreement, the movement not missed by the others there. Danzo nearly snarled.

"_You haven't seen the last of me,"_ he promised, storming out.

"The Uchiha are perfectly willing to take discounts on certain contracts," Yakino grumbled.

"Peace, Yakino," Fugaku snapped. "Remember our duty."

"Konoha's hidden wild card," Jiraiya snorted.

"And you're drunk again," Homura sighed. "Youth these days."

"If Sasuke does not return alive and unharmed, then we will compensate the Uchiha Clan," Sandaime said. "In the meantime, the Uchiha Clan other than Sasuke's blanket orders are to track down and observe Akatsuki."

"We will keep in touch," Fugaku promised, although whether he was talking about Itachi or Sarutobi he couldn't guess.

XxXxX

Sasuke was seriously considering just tearing down the base and hunting its operators down one by one when the door opened.

"Hello," a smooth, arrogant voice intoned. Sasuke paid attention immediately. _This_ was one of the shinobi they had suspected; Sasuke recognized him from the bingo book as an A-class criminal from Iwa, proficient in all sorts of Doton jutsu. The twin stylized rocks on his hitai-ate gave away his former alliance.

Sasuke squeaked and strengthened the illusion. Underground, fighting an earth user was sheer foolishness; his best bet lay in bluffing his way out.

"My name is Yukomaki Goro," the shinobi continued. "And you are?"

"Su-Suzuki," Sasuke pitched his voice higher.

"My dear Suzuki, do you understand the situation you're in?"

"Ye-yes." _More than you understand the situation, Yukomaki Goro._

"Then please behave or there will be... consequences. And believe me, you won't like them."

_No, you won't like the consequences. I could kill you before you drew the chakra for a jutsu._

Two grunts came in, different from the ones before, and led him along a corridor. Sasuke memorized the simple layout until they reached a door with a small, barred opening.

_How are they keeping the air fresh down here?_ That had to be a weak point in their defenses. He waited patiently for the man on his left to unlock and open the door and then stumbled in on his own. There was no point in collecting useless injuries.

"It'll be hard work for you," the one on the right gloated. "The mines, or the docks."

_Fool._

The door shut with a clang, and Sasuke turned around to see twelve hungry, violent kids anywhere from his supposed age to his real age eyeing him like prey. They were all civilians- of course they would be. Shinobi children were killed, brainwashed, or... studied.

"I'm not worth it," he told them, searching for a ventilation duct. The one he saw was too small for him to crawl through, and he wouldn't risk using more chakra than he was already using- he could barely hide it from the other shinobi as it was. A quick look at the ceiling showed a small-scale chakra sealing and draining seal; there were no cameras here, only one trained on the door from the hallway.

Yukomaki Goro was not known to be proficient in sealing. _There's another shinobi out there._ Sasuke glared at the nearest civilians, wishing he could just Sharingan them into oblivion, and sat down to wait. The chakra drain from the seal was nothing on his reserves.

Two days later he had ascertained the daily schedule of the slavers and reported it to his teammates carefully. That done, he dropped the Henge to the gasps of the others in the room with him and carefully began crafting the hand seals for a Doton he had never used before.

A mouthful of crappy dirt and stones later, a hole was growing into the wall. The children had gone from being shocked to awed to afraid and a little angry, and on cue, the two mooks ran inside, stopping in shock at the shinobi wasting his chakra.

As two kunai easily slid home to different lethal points on the body, Sasuke stepped out of the cell to a minor earthquake that meant Naruto had engaged someone fairly powerful.

"I never expected this."

"Yukomaki Goro," Sasuke frowned. "A-rank nukenin, specializes in Doton and some Suiton."

"I suppose that makes us evenly matched," Goro sneered, settling his hands into the "earth" seal. "Who are you?"

"A dead man does not need to know my name." Another quick kunai throw later, the camera in the hallway had been taken care of.

"I knew there was something wrong with you," Goro grunted. "You're awfully confident, aren't you? Let me knock you down a few pegs. Doton: Iwayado Kuzushi!"

"Katon: Housenka!"

"Maybe you do have talent," Goro mused. A smirk stole its way across his face. "Maybe you will be fun! I haven't had a challenge in forever!"

Sasuke frowned. He was out of shape due to having been confined to what was essentially sitting around and D-level missions, but someone like Goro was of no trouble whatsoever. He wouldn't even need to use the Sharingan, if he planned correctly. He pulled the chokuto out, impregnating it with lightning chakra.

XxXxX

For some reason, the thought of all this death and destruction was making Naruto happy. It probably had something to do with Sasuke's report on the nature of the men involved.

"We're not heroes!" he chirped as one slaver attempted to protect himself from harm by using a child as a human shield. "We're shinobi!" One of Sai's ink monsters took the man out with a swift swipe to the upper spine.

Something rumbled from below, and one of Sakura's punches split the ground.

"I can't wait to see what happens when the local law enforcement comes and sees the mess we've made," Naruto called.

"I don't think they'll be very happy," Sai noted as he drew something long, thin, and black that sprang out and hobbled some unsuspecting slavers. "But by then we'll be tracking down the other branches of this organization and be long gone."

"Where's Sasuke!"

"This Sasuke you speak of is dealing with my colleague as we speak."

"Finally, a challenge!" Naruto yelled as the man in question was joined by another shinobi and by a kunoichi.

"We'll see."

XxXxX

AN: I am sorry if any of this bothers you. I went to a CSI camp for a long time (Hence why last chapter took forever to get out), as I may have mentioned last chapter, but the upside is now I have experience with cadavers, both human and otherwise. And seriously, it's kinda disturbing how radically our bodies change after death, after livor and rigor mortis and decomposition set in. Venus marbling, anyone?

And then, after I got back to school, I applied to colleges and got rejected from half of them (what did I expect? I'm Asian), but the school I'm going to not only has a reputation for being _the_ hippie school, but is also something like 43% Asian. Hooray. And now I actually have to fill out the paperwork. And study for APs. And do all sorts of other crap. Because I procrastinated.

And then I found Code Geass. 'Nuff said.

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Dictionary:

Doton: Iwayado Kuzushi- Earth Release, Rock Lodging Destruction

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OMAKE!!!!

The Misadventures of Itachi #something-I-forgot: Itachi and the Mystery of the Pretty Swirly Leaf-Design Headband (also titled: Why Uchiha Wear Loose Clothing)

"Somebody save me," Itachi muttered sarcastically under his breath as he turned under the approving eyes of the entire Senju clan and most of the festival's participants. "This is so _embarrassing_."

After all, it wasn't every day one got to see a supposedly high-level shinobi wear a skin tight T-shirt of a particularly girly shade of pink reminiscent of frilly aprons with the words _Only strong men wear pink_ emblazoned in a foppish black cursive on the front. It was even rarer that said shinobi also wore a pair of tight black leather pants laced up the sides with the logo _Only hot men wear pink_ in hot pink on the seat of the pants.

"You look great!" some random Senju clan member chirped before being silenced by Uchiha Death Glare #613.15. Somewhere in the crowd, the Maito family made tiny proud noises, nodded knowingly, and dabbed their eyes with small hankies.

"I knew it, he has the power of the springtime of youth," one of them said soulfully. He was met with Uchiha Death Glare #613.20 and tactfully shut himself up.

"Are you sure he's an Uchiha?" a random Uchiha spy muttered and was met with Uchiha Death Glare #665.99, which was the highest Itachi could go, since Uchiha Death Glares #666.00 and up all involved the Sharingan Itachi no longer had. "Um…. Never mind." He scurried away from the scary kid to report to his superiors.


End file.
